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Honey, you're in a rough spot. Especially if he's as wonderful as you say he is. But ultimately, you are going to have to choose who to be with. And as much as its going to hurt, you are going to have to sever a tie either with the man she calls "daddy" or your fiancee, because it's not fair to string both of them along.
This is sooo hard! I'm sorry that you're dealing with it, and I have to disagree with KMSull - it doesn't sound like you're stringing your ex along.
As long as you've been honest with him, it's up to him if he wants to stick around and be involved in your daughters life. It's definitely going to hurt him when he finds out that you're engaged, but that is NOT your problem. This is something that I've had to tell myself after breaking up with someone - he's upset, but I can't help, and it's NOT my responsibility to make him happy. Heck, it's all I can do to make myself happy! I can only be honest and respectful, and that's all that you can do too.
I hate to say this, but I agree with KM. Clearly something has made him think there is still hope (probably his huge role in your life with your daughter) and it's just not fair to him. I think sometimes the saying is true: if you really love him, you need to hurt him by being honest. He's clearly holding onto hope, and while he might be able to still have a role in your daughter's life, he needs to know that your FI is the only guy in your life.
Yeah I had someone like that. My hs sweetheart who I never stopped loving. It wasn't until he didn't make an effort to see me last summer and therefore we stopped all communication that I could finally breathe freely and feel 100% about my FI and I. So my advice is that you'll probably have to cut off all communication with him. I know that that's difficult because of your daughter's relationship with him. Maybe you can cut off all communication except for when she visits with him? It's the only way. Good luck hun and go with your gut!
Here's a situation I faced with my ex-fiancee. He had a female friend who really wanted to marry him. They had dated briefly, and he broke up with her because he didn't love her and knew that he never would. But she kept waiting and hoping that he would change his mind. I finally told him that he was leading her on by spending time with her, going to family functions and the opera and that if he really cared about her he would distance himself from her because she wanted to get married and have a family, and as long as she hung around waiting for him it was never going to happen. So he stopped spending time with her, and a few months later she met her fiance, and they just had a baby. I'm sure it was very hurtful for her when my ex stopped spending time with her, but she needed a kick in the pants to move on with her life.
I'm not completely clear from your posting if you are completely certain that you want to marry your FI and be with him instead of your ex, but if that is what you want then you owe it to your ex to make it clear to him that there is no more hope. It's really hard because I'm sure you feel guilty about your breakup, but the truth is we all make mistakes. And the important thing is that you learn from them and start making better decisions in the future , which it sounds like you have by establishing a good relationship with your FI.
Thanks Guys,
I just want to say to Kmsull, that I'm not leading him on... I don't know what I'm doing, but I know that I have done everything in my power to cut ties with him. I almost wish that he hated me. I feel so bad inside when he comes around because I almost have to distance myself to try to avoid having a conversation with him. I so badly want to be friends with him! I want him and my FI to be friends or at least be on speaking terms. Why do it have to be that we have to be so cold to our ex. He has a huge heart and would never hurt a fly.He is seriously going to be some woman's dream come true one day.
About a year of dating my FI, my ex called me to informed me that his family was called to the hospital because his mother was dying. I couldn't bring myself to tell him no. I didn't want to tell him no. I called my FI (boyfriend at the time) to let him know that I had to go and try to help him through this. He didn't like it but he told me that he understood. After his mother died, he asked me to ride in the family car and be by his his side for support during the funeral. My FI was upset but he said that if I feel that I have to do thi, then do it, but it had to end there.
(Professorbee) I'm sorry if I seemed a little shady or unclear when it comes to my FI. I love him and yes, I do want to marry him. We are so good together. He is so understanding and so calm. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt him. I did some selfish things when I was younger, but I have learned my lesson. I don't mean to take anything away from my FI when I speak about my ex because both men are really great guys.
Guys, I love my ex, I can't help it, I do. I will always love and care about him. But make no mistake, I am in love with my FI. and he knows it. He said the most meaningful thing today, he said, that there will not be a day that goes by that he wouldn't tell me that he loves me"
Now ladies, how can I not wrap my soul around a man like that?
Thanks for all of your comments and suggestions! I really needed to hear it. I just hate that it looks like I trying to have them both because that's not what I want to do... I mean who really wants more than one of them! LOL! Thanks again Guys!
You love your ex, but you're IN love with your FI. You need to tell the Ex ASAP that you're engaged. The sooner you tell him, the sooner he can try to start getting over you. that doesn't mean he should stop seeing your daughter, but that does mean (in my opinion) he can't just call you and have you come over at random times. Yes. His mom was in trouble, yes he wanted you in the car at the funeral. I think that's where he might get that you still care. But you're engaged. You need to tell him, and soon!
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Do any of you have this one ex-boyfriend that you thought that you would always marry and well... you didn't?
When my daughter was under a year old, I met this wonderful, wonderful man. He walked up to me and introduced himself. He was so kind and so sweet. My daughter started to cry during our conversation and he asked if I wanted him to pick her up because I was actually folding up my clothes at the laundromat (I was 22 young and broke! LOL) When he offered to pick her up, I thought to myself, who is he and what do he want. I asked him did he have children, he said No and i said, well what do you know about soothing a crying baby. He laughed and said that he has a big family and that he has dealt with a lot of babies. I picked my daughter up and tried to stop her from crying and the more I tried the louder she got. He held his arms out and said hand her to me. I looked at him and said That's ok, I got her. He said, she's probably hungry. I said, you're probably right but she's going to have to wait until I'm done with this last load of clothes. He then said, why don't you just hand her to me and I will feed her while you fold your clothes. I hesitated, but I was sooooo ready to get out of there, I gave in and he fed her and burped her. I was so shocked! Well to make a long story short, I dated him for 9 years and he was so good to us. When I say he was a good man, ladies believe me, he was unlike any man that I had ever met! He loved my daughter and he always wanted her with him. She grew up calling him daddy- I didn't start this, the kids at her daycare would say to her,"your daddy is here" and honestly, that's how it all begin. -Over the years they became father and daughter. She is a daddy's girl to her heart and still today they are two peas in a pod. I loved him for stepping in when I had nobody and loving us. I was in an abusive relationship and I felt that God sent this man to me to help me out of that situation. We broke up years later due to my own fault, but I can't help but to think about him because I see him when he picks my daughter up. He said to me just last week that he wish we had never broken up. My heart, just dropped! He said that he still loves me and I just didn't know what to say to him. After we had been dating for 5 or more years, I asked him if he thought we would ever get married and he would always say that my attitude would have to change. I admit, I did have an attitude but he didn't know that I had a past to deal with and that I never meant to be mean to him. You know guys, I will always love this man for what he has done for me and my daughter. I love him but I am in love with my FI. I don't want to get back with him, I just wish that there was some way that we could be the best of friends and his feeling wouldn't be hurt because I'm in a relationship with someone else. All this is so complicated and I feel so confused right now! I just don't want him to hurt anymore behind my actions... We haven't dated for over 6 years... no sex, no dinner, no nothing, but he still loves me and I don't no how to make him stop. He is going to be so hurt once he finds out that I'm engaged! My daughter is so worried about him finding out. I can just see him crying over this... he's so emotional... I don't know guys, any suggestions/comments? Please be honest for I have thick skin. I won't get upset.