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I'm a regular poster--and let me say this is not trolling for trouble, unfortunately.
My husband's 17 year old nephew is going to jail for murder. The fact that he committed the crime is not being contested.
My husband wants to send our savings to his sister to contribute toward his nephew's bail, and I DO NOT WANT TO. One, if he's big enough to do the crime, he should be big enough to handle ALL the consequences, and second, it's not like he stole a car, he killed somebody.
He says that because it's family, it doesn't matter what they do, you help. I think there are some circumstances where you just have to take a step back.
What would you do?
I personally would not send money, especially if its part of your money. Maybe you need to remind him that its not all his money and you contributed to the savings as well. Just let him know you aren't comfortable with the situation. Good luck!
I'd be in agreement with you. If it was being contested, or was some stupid thing that kids do that's another story. But it sounds like he is owning up to doing it?
I don't think that he should make a decision like that with all your savings without your consent. You two need savings and it's not like his nephew is ever going to be able to repay the favor.
Yikes! That's tough. On one hand it's like, what's the point of bail if he's just going to jail anyway. On the other hand, I'm sure it would be nice for him to spend time with family before he goes away for a while.
Are they letting him post bail because he's a minor? I thought with murder cases, there is no bail because of the flight risk.
I think you should sit down with your husband and explain that in the end, you will be throwing your savings away because he's just going to go to prison. Or that you don't feel comfortable with it because he might try to run once he gets out.
@nqz100: He is. I don't want to give too many details, because the story is all over the news right now, but even if he didn't claim responsibility, they found some ID at the scene.
Also, even if we sent all our savings, his family would still likely take out a loan. They don't have much money, and bail is, understandably, very high.
@Miss Tattoo: As far as I understand it, it's because he's a minor, yes. We're still getting spotty details because it's all happening right now.
I agree with Miss Tattoo!
I mean, it's not like you have tons of money sitting around (I assume). These are your savings for something special or an emergency. And I don't think paying for a murderer to get out of jail constitues an emergency (my opinion).
I'm sorry your family is going through this.
Well, it's a tough one. I'm not super close to my neices or nephews, or even cousins. But if I was, I would put my money into bail, I wouldn't ask my FI to put anything in. I didn't think it was actually called "Murder" anymore, I thought it was homicide or manslaughter etc. Do you know what happened?
wow. interesting question. I am sorry that you have to go through this. I know that it was hard to see my brother in jail. ( not for murder) My parents at first would hekp him get out but then he would go right back in. Finally my dad said that he would have to spent some time in there. ( 2 years maybe? I was young and didn't know all the details) It seems that really showed my brother that he was doing wrong. He stopped breaking the law and seems to have gotten on the straight and narrow.
As for situation. I really don't know. I can see both your husband's point and yours. Though I think that I would not send the money. When people do bad things, they need to pay for what they did.
I hope my post helps. Stay strong. :)
@Belle2Be: murder isn't used anymore? Thats interesting. Don't they use murder in the first degree in courts still?
yeah i would seriously want to help my sibling out, but murder? and my savings? um no. perhaps a portion for a lawyer. I wouldn't want him out on the streets, will he even GET bail ? Who says he won't do it again while he's out?
@HisIrishPrincess: I agree. Maybe you can help contribute to a lawyer, but not bail. Again, if he's admitted to it, what's the point in posting bail?
I wouldn't send our money to bail out someone who committed murder. Why should they get to spend time with family when the person they killed had that option taken away from them? It isn't like there is any question as to wether or not he did it.
Wowzers! No question, I wouldn't do it. You worked hard for that money and you shouldn't have to give it all away because your husbands nephew MURDERED someone. I dont know much about jail time (I never got more than a few speeding tickets) but how long would he be out on bail for? Seems like you may as well just light that money on fire if you end up having to hand it over to them.
@Belle2Be: You're right, the charges are technically "manslaughter" for this kid, I'm flustered and I'm being sloppy. Plus, to me, it's sort of the same, even though legally it's different. Someone died.
I do know what happened, but, I don't know how many details make it easy to find out who my husband's nephew is, so I'm trying to be careful. It's hard for my husband because this kid lived with him for a couple years and is the same age as his son.
I would not send my savings. I would tell my fiance that if he wanted to send some of his money he could (even though I don't approve), but that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so. It is a tough decision and I'm so sorry you and your families are going through this ((HUGS))
@UpstateCait: I couldn't agree more. to the OP, its a sucky situation you are in, Im sorry :(
Absolutely not! This is not solely his decision to make. I would not be sending that kid any money. What happens if you don't get that money back because he skips out or leaves the state. I wouldn't be taking a chance like that on someone who killed someone. Woah.
Oh wow, what an incredibly difficult thing to go through! I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this, especially so close to the holidays... :(
If it were me, I would not put bail up either. I totally get the "family first" thing, but sometimes letting people suffer consequences for their actions is more loving and more helpful to them changing than trying to get them out of the situation. Maybe by your hubby's family not posting bail, but yet still being there and doing what you can to support his nephew, it might help him understand the seriousness of the situation.
Don't send him money. I have a cousin in prison for attempted murder, and the rest of my family sends him money for snacks and stuff from their prison "store", but I haven't sent him as much as a dollar. In my mind, by sending money you are endorsing their behavior.
It sounds cold, but it's all about understanding that while love is unconditional, that love doesn't always need to be expressed through financial support.
That's a tough one. You should only provide the money if you are FULLY prepared to never see it again. I understand the desire to help, but if it's not going to his legal defense and you are certain he'll inevitably be sentenced, I don't think it's worth the sacrifice to your future and need for savings. Sorry you are going through this.
@HisIrishPrincess: And I like that suggestion of helping to get a lawyer. I would do that more willingly than bail for sure.
@Bailbee: I'm pretty sure there is a huge difference between homicide and manslaughter, it's in the intent, right? While it might be true that someone is dead, to me personally, the intent is a huge factor.
@Bailbee: WOW is all I've got on that one.
I mean personally I wouldn't be ok with using our whole savings, but helping with a lawyer is maybe more along the lines of "ok" for helping.
Really sorry you are dealing with all of this... (((hugs)))
Hell to the no! I'm sorry if that sounds heartless! If my son were in jail and needed bail I would not rely on my family's money to get him out. It's your money too, and you get to decide how to spend it too!
How long does it take for you to get the bail money back? Because they dont keep it unless he doesnt show up to court. So if he is not a flight risk then you arent really spending your money, your just loaning it for a short while
@Belle2Be- It's still murder in Minnesota
My cousins charge is this:
MUR 1-UNK ACT-PREMEDITAT-OTHR WEA-ADLT-
MOC Code: H1042 
General Description:
Homicide
Category :
Murder 1
Weapon Use :
Other Dangerous Weapon
Victim :
Adult - Acquaintance
@Belle2Be: Intent wise, it started as a robbery. Didn't start out as a trip to kill someone, but ended that way, with a father (and a dog) dead. But the gun was stolen from one house and used at another, so they're trying to bring some premeditation into it (since the other thefts were electronics, and not weapons.)
If his parents are going to take out a loan anyway, try to convince your husband to hold off on makingna decision as to whether or not you guys will contribute. Most likely, emotions are super high right now and he's probably not very rational. Maybe in a day he'll see your very valid points. If not, put your foot down. You helped save that money, and he shouldn't be able to throw it away :(.
Sorry, but I would want nothing to do with that. What an icky situation.
Belle2be is right. Intent is what's playing a factor here. To me if he planned it and carried it out then hell no. but if if were an accident or self defense or something then that's different. Don't give out too many details. Your privacy is important.
I am so sorry your family is going though this. My family is going though something similar (with my cousin...attempted murder charges, as well as a few others).
For me it would depend on all the circumstances of the case and your nephew's state of mind. But also, it sounds like your family will have take a lone anyway, in that case I would say, if they REALLY want to bail him out, they should just take a lone for whole amount...do they have anything they can put up for collateral (do they own a home)? In the case of my cousin no one intends to bail him out (safe place for him right now is jail/mental hospital). I think you need to have a serious conversation with you husband and go over all the pros and cons...this is not a time to act out of emotion. You need to decide what the best thing is for the two of you first.
Are you having a hard time giving up the funds because you think he is guilty?
@7mom: If I genuinely believed that he had not done it, and if he was insisting that he was innocent, I would feel differently.
But, if he said he was innocent and I thoguht he was lying
OR
If (as is the case) he wasn't even saying he didn't do it,
That's where the problem is, yes.
Homicide & murder are interchangeable. Murder statutes are state specific, so they may use different language.
Manslaughter is a killing that carries a lesser penalty because of the differences in intent.
I’m so sorry you are going through this! And I am so sorry for the other family that lost someone.
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