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Don't send the card!! Trust me you won't feel good about it later. How long ago was the wedding? Some people are just really slow. We got married in June and some gifts have still been trickeling in.
Okay, obviously you shouldn't send the card, but that's a hilarious idea. Made my morning. :]
Unfortunately though it is not something you would do many people do not give gifts at weddings. They think their gift is just attending. I would hold off though because they technically have up to a year.
Why get so worked up because people don't give you a gift? Gifts are a nice thing for people to offer, especially when they know the couple is young and just starting out after paying for their own wedding. However, gifts are by no means a requirement. I know it may seem like a sin that you spent $x on a guest (for a meal, favor, etc.) and they didn't get you a gift, but this is a wedding, not some trade agreement. And, depending on your wedding date, some people may still be sending gifts. My friend got married in July and I haven't sent his wedding gift yet because he was moving to another state for grad school and I didn't want it to be one more box he'd have to pack.
Be appreciative of the gifts you've received and thankful that the giftless guests came to your wedding anyway to offer their congratulations. That's why you invited them in the first place - to have them part of the celebration and witness your beautiful ceremony, not to receive a free blender.
A lot of our guests didn't get us anything in terms of a wrapped gift, but I am so grateful for the effort and expense they went through just to come - which to me is the better gift. In fact, I am happy people don't feel obligated to get a gift, regardless of their financial status. I hate getting gifts out of obligation. I was only upset about one friend who couldn't come, didn't call to see how it went, didn't even send a card wishing us well. It hurt because it made me realized she didn't care, and wasn't the good friend I thought she was.
BTW, I thinkwe got gifts from 50-60% of guests....I know this because I have a spreadsheet tracking it all so I can make sure to get out thank yous! Also, I think everyone who attends should get a thank you, gift or no gift. I went to a friend's wedding in LONDON last August and spent a sh**load of money to attend. I just sent her a gift in June, but I was a little peeved that the thousands of dollars I spent to attend her wedding wasn't worth a thank you because I didn't buy her a present.
BV Bride,
I wonder did your guest have to travel out of town to attend you wedding?
If they did - did you provide lodging, food and traveling expenses for these guests?
Did you invite these guests for their gifts or for their support?
I recently attended a wedding 2 states away - I ended up dropping better than $600 just to attend - I viewed the wedding gift as being my attendance.
The statement of "they have really well paying jobs or are well off" is very niave of you unless you have full access to their financial books. You should ask yourself - do others view me as well off - prehaps they feel you aren't in need of anything.
It would have been less expensive for me to mail a gift than to attend - I chose to attend to support the bride and groom.
I too would feel a bit peeved. So I understand where you are coming from. I however, would not send that card unless you want to damage you relationship permanantly with that person.
I think this is one of those things where you will just need to let it go. Some may gift you after by mailing things but you never know.
I know it seems rude and harsh that they didn't gift you, but ike I said I don't think you can really do anything about it. Sorry hun.
Gifts are optional, not compulsory. If someone does not give you a gift for your wedding it is your job to pretend you did not notice! The first rule of etiquette is to never offend anyone by pointing out their own rudeness. Take the higher ground and completely ignore the slight. Honestly, you have much nicer things to think about now!
I'm surprised how many times this topic comes up.
It is not a requirement to give a gift.
My husband and I usually send the gift after the wedding. We don't want people having to deal with transporting gifts.
Renewing vows after 14 years - October 12, 2008
Ditto the pp's who said gifts are optional. People probably paid a ton of money to come to your wedding. Be happy they were there to celebrate with you. You should be enjoying recently wedded bliss, not fuming over people who didn't buy you material gifts.
Hi everyone,
First, thanks so much for all the comments, no matter how harsh, because I did need reminding that gifts are optional.
That being said, I do want to clarify that I'm not being material in terms of wanting a. say, a free blender. Our gift registeries were actually charity donations which got a good number of donations or something hand-made (although some guests gave us cash gifts and the requisite blender anyway).
The angle I was coming at this was that whenever I got invited to a wedding, I always felt obligated to give a gift which I did. Now that I think about it, this might have to do with my cultural background which is Asian. Gift-giving at weddings is just something that's done in parent's culture and I think that rubbed off on my thinking.
To the person who seemed a bit offended that I assumed some of the guests were well-off and stated that I didn't have access to their financial situations: I'm not a totally clueless about my guests and didn't include that statement without thinking about it. The peope I mentioned are close friends of mine in their twenties, single and regularly drop over $500.00 on a single pair of shoes on a bi-monthly basis. I assume they're comfortable enough. Also, all of my guests with the exception of two people were local. Most people either walked or took cabs to my reception.
I will end with this: It's uncomfortable to talk about feeling weird about people not giving any gifts and it's hard to not come off being petty. But put yourself in my shoes: My husband and I paid for our wedding ourselves, we tried to DIY as much as we could and we are not as financially rigorous as some of our friends because we are both still in school. It's hard not to feel a bit annoyed at a friend who is obviously better-off and who comes to your wedding with their date du jour and doesn't give a gift. I still think it's a little rude but your comments reminded me that gifts are not that important.
Thanks!
A lot of people still believe in that up to a year after the wedding thing to give presents, so you still may get quite a few.
I was going to say that same thing- all of our friends are aware of the "one year" rule and maybe they'll still send one. I am getting married in two months and though I'd like to say "take the high road" and forget it- but I know it would bug me too!
I have the same issue, and lots of those people are BMs and other people that definitely would have gotten a gift. It could be they got busy and forgot, or are taking advantage of the one year rule.
My DH had a great idea you could consider-- post your wedding pictures on your wedding website, and send an email to everyone directing them back to the website to look at your photos. Leave the registry info on the site. I think it's a nice subtle reminder.
Send the card only if you are ending your relationship with that person. Your getting married and throwing a party in no way entitles you to their money, no matter how much they have or how they usually spend it. You're welcome to be irritated about it privately but to confront them about it directly is far far beyond rude.
And wouldn't it be terrible if their gift and your note crossed paths in the mail? I've given wedding gifts many months after weddings for very good reasons.
BV BRide: I understand how you feel. I also come from a culture where gift giving is not looked at as optional but rather as your support for the couple and not giving a gift is just poor manners. But people come from different backgrounds and have different values. I guess you just have to expect different things from different people.
Wow. I'm really surprised at all of the people are acting like the OP is ungrateful. I also got married recently (in June), and there were a few people we didn't get gifts from, one being a coworker of my mother's and another being DH's aunt (there were a few more). The coworker didn't pay anything besides gas money to get to the wedding.
People attending weddings should be aware that it it customary to bring or send a gift. To me, it didn't really matter whether it was a place setting or a $20 gift card.
Of course, on the opposite end of the spectrum, ALL of my friends who are still students were generous enough to get us gifts, as did the parents of a good friend of DH, and they weren't even invited to the wedding!
I just think some people are more generous than others. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it.
when i made an excel sheet to list who came and gave what for my thank you cards i was a shocked that some people did not gift but they were my closest friends and they aren;t the type to just show up - indeed some guests sent gifts after the wedding so consider that. also, i really think that after some time ppl "forget" that they did not and honestly it would be very rude and embarrassing to ask since they DID make the effort and thought to come to the wedding.
I would also consider this: would you rather get a thoughtless (maybe even cheap) gift or see your friends happy and celebrating your wedding? I am going to write thank you letters anyways and thank them for coming.
Dear BV Bride
I am in the same situation. Our wedding was 8 weeks ago and many of our friends ( and some close ones ) did not give us gifts. I do not think you are being petty at all! I too am off-put by the fact that someone would show up and not even send a card or anything for that matter. I know gifts are optional and I really do appreciate that my friends came to celebrate the day with me. I am trying to keep that in perspective and forget about the lack of gifts. Still, I am a bit hurt - especially since I traveled to some of my friends weddings ( a few were out of the country) and I always sent a gift. Perhaps it is my upbringing as well -but I would never attend a wedding and not give a gift -it doesn't have to be expensive- it's just the thought. I think I am still going to send thank you notes to those people who I really appreciated that they attended - even though they didn't give a gift.
Though it is not a requirement to send a gift....
when you receive an invitation to a wedding etiquette dictates that you do send a card at the very least congratulating the couple.
It sounds like no card was sent, let alone gift.
I feel for you, we have a handful of friends/family that came that also did not give a gift, send a card, nothing. It's rude. Plain and simple. Yes my wedding was a semi-destination event, but I also took care of my guests and threw down on each of them. The invite alone gave them a clear indication of how lavish this party was going to be.
I totally feel for you BVBride.
I recall in an etiquette book or post (I forget) reading a possible solution. It is possible that the gift was lost (if shipped) or stolen (if brought to the reception). After some time has lapsed, you can gently mention you did not receive a gift, and worry that, if one was sent, the gift was lost in the mail or stolen at the reception. This approach must be done very gently and carefully, so as not to cause offence or seem greedy to want a gift. However, it's unlikely that many people had gifts lost or stolen from the reception. Someone else mentioned the possibility that they simply forgot.
That being said, I don't think I could comfortably enter into that conversation, so I would just let it go. I would hate to end a friendship over not receiving a wedding gift.
I don't know if this would be rude, but would it be possible to send a thank you note for their presence. Something to genuinely thank them for being a part of your special day. Would anyone else take that route? Thoughts?
You know, I think the reason many people did not give you gifts may have been because your registries were charity donations. Maybe people thought, well, they don't want anything for themselves, maybe I can get away with just not giving anything at all (just a guess). I think for some people, giving a charity donation doesn't feel the same as giving a material gift to a newly married couple. I think it's definitely weird if you didn't even get congratulatory cards though!!
I definitely understand where you're coming from and especially the initial response of "Hey! :(" I would have that reaction, too. But it's really dangerous to assume people's financial situations. In fact, if they're dropping that much money on shoes for themselves, they might have spending problems they're not ready to acknowledge. I agree that people should at least bring/send a card, but to play devil's advocate: I'd imagine sometimes they feel (perhaps rightly so) that doing so draws more attention to the fact that they didn't bring/send a gift.
I chose to be in a field that is by no means financially stable, and finances vary wildly from month to month. When I send a wedding reply card, I often think that I'll be able to give the couple a very generous gift, only to finda couple months later that the travel/lodging costs have left me broke. I try to send a gift as soon as I have a little more discretionary cash, but unfortunately, I have debt that has to take priority. That's just how it is, and I'm trying to be responsible about it. I'd like to think that most of my friends would be pretty understanding of that, or at least just stay mum on the subject. I would be absolutely mortified if I got a card like that in the mail. Are you serious?
The reality is....I would be p*ssed! then I would calm down....breathe deep...chuck it to bad manners and call it a day...
If I was a better person I would probably forget all about it...but knowing myself I would hold that against them for a while...birthdays, xmases, etc.
However, it would only be shocking and annoying to me if it was unexpected...like my best friend saying her presence was her gift when we're next door neighbours...something like that!
Sorry: Let me clarify about the "No thanks" card! I definitely won't send the card since it's just silly to but the reason was the following:
This was a close friend from high school who recently decided that she hates marriage because it's stupid. I invited her anyway since we have such a long history and it would have been odd not to (we have lots of mutual friends, the band that was playing was through her contact, etc.).
Anyway, this friend of mine showed up to my black-tie wedding wearing jeans and florescent concert t-shirt. She was more than a little rude to me during the reception for no reason other than "she hates weddings" (which is what she apparently was telling my other friends).
Lastly, we had a surprise trolley tour following our reception and wemarried couple were the last people to get on the boat. There was one single seat in front and a double seat. She had taken the double seat by herself and when I politely asked if she could move to the single seat so my husband and I could sit together she said, "Why do you guys need to sit together--you're gonna spend the rest of your life together now, aren't you?" She made a little fuss but finally moved to the single seat. And, well, she didn't give a gift, which I guess was expected.
Look, I don't want expensive gifts and people are right: the presence of happy guests celebrating is a gift enough. But I still think it's a little rude to not give a gift or a card. I personally always give a gift and at certain times, the gift has been small or something hand-made but it's just a way to give a couple a good send-off.
I know there's a year rule for gifts but I'm fairly certain that the majority of my twenty-something Manhattanite care-free friends will not be giving gifts. I know this of them because I know my friends pretty well and, because they're my friends, I guess I won't worry about it and just focus on the happy moments I shared with them at the wedding.
I'm actually starting to like that our generation no longer feels as tied to etiquette as older generations have, especially when situations have changed so much over the years for young married couples. Of course, regardless of changing rules of etiquette, what that guest did to you, BVBride, is just wrong, and I completely understand that you'd be hurt/angry over her actions. I also think it's wonderful that you asked for charity donations for those choosing to give "gifts" for your wedding - we're planning on doing the same thing. And, like you, we're paying for the wedding ourselves, DIYing up a storm, and my husband-to-be is still in college (and we're saving for a home).
That being said, and I'm not saying this is BVBride's situation (it doesn't really sound like it), but I'm bothered by entitled brides who look at weddings as a time to cash in. Especially since it's so incredibly common these days for married couples to be in their mid to late 20s (or older), employed and financially stable, and living together for a long time before the wedding. My father talks about bridal showers and wedding gifts when he was getting married, noting that most couples at that time were very young, moving in after the wedding, and had next to nothing to start their life together. That's why giving a gift to the young couple was so important, but today it seems like most couples getting married are not in this situation and are using the wedding as an opportunity to get free upgrades on their kitchenware or have someone else pay for their honeymoon.
Bottom line: Wedding gifts today are a nice gesture, especially if you're more in need of them than the average couple. They are not a requirement, and I won't fault any of my guests if they offer nothing more than well wishes. BVBride, I'm sorry you had to deal with rude guests, but I hope you still have many fond memories of your wedding day.
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Dearest Weddingbee Readers,
I recently got married and encountered something a bit weird: A number of guests didn't give any wedding gifts. I should add that we did get a lot of gifts and some very generous ones too. Some of the people who didn't gift at all can, in general, be a little immature and lazy about things like gift-giving.
While I know it seems petty to think about something as material as a wedding gift, I feel a little peeved at them--especially since two of these people just got married and I gifted them generously. Almost everyone was aware as to the fact that we paid for the wedding ourselves and worked really hard to make the wedding happen the way it did. And, a significant portion of the non-gift-giving people have really well-paying jobs, are well-off, etc.
Is this something that normally happens, is it something I should let get to me or should I just chalk it up to bad manners and move on? Initially, I was so irritated by one person's general rudeness during the wedding and non-gift-giving that I was going to send her a card that said, "No thank you." What do you guys think?