Post # 1
Hi all, <br /><br />In June of this year I was in the wedding party of a longtime close friend. She had been in my wedding party a couple of years previously. We have always had a good friendship spanning 15+ years (grade school friends).<br /><br />I’m trying to figure out whether she was badly behaved, or has acted ungrateful, and I want your advice!<br /><br />Basically, being part of her wedding was very, very expensive. She was not at all demanding or anything during the planning but the basic costs (dress, shoes, make-up/hair, hotels for the wedding, bachelorette weekend) they added up pretty brutally. We’re talking ~2k all in. I am fortunate to be in a good financial situation, so I didn’t necessarily mind though at times my hubby and I would be shocked (example, the dress was $400 before alterations). In no way did I expect her to shoulder these costs, and in isolation I don’t have a huge issue with it. I just chalked it up to her being a bit unaware.<br /><br />The reason why I am thinking she was ungrateful or badly behaved isn’t because of the amount of money it cost to be part of everything, it’s that she literally never said thank you. She was very grateful at the time of her bachelorette party, but when the wedding rolled around there were no cards, no acknowledgement in any way, and the only “gift” we recieved was very inexpensive costume jewelry which literally turned our arms green. Before you burn me at the stake for being snobby (haha), being a part of someones wedding isn’t about getting presents, absolutely, but it’s that there was literally no thought put into anything and even the jewelry felt like an afterthought (still had tags on, wasn’t wrapped, etc). I found this to rub me the wrong way because being in her wedding was both expensive and time consuming, and I felt that we should have AT LEAST been thanked. Honestly, if she had just given us each a nice card, I wouldn’t be writing this post today. I feel now that she was pretty entitled about our time and money, what else am I supposed to think?<br /><br />Secondly.. The wedding was in June of this year, and we still have not receieved thank you cards for the gifts. My parents also sent her a gift, and they have not heard anything either. Having been through all of this myself, I find she is really lacking in the basic etiquette of weddings. It just comes off so entitled and ungrateful, and it’s causing me to not really want to talk to her much.<br /><br />Am I way off base? I want your honest opinions / advice / stories if you have been in this position!
Post # 2
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
sanfranciscomrs: I really resented my BFF after her wedding for all the money I put into her big day, maybe it just takes some time to get over it? And you’re definitely still owed a thank you card!
Post # 3
yeah thats so very rude and annoying. Is she clueless? I dont get it either, I sent my bff 200$ of crystal from her registry and many months later I still havent gotten a thank you. In fact, I had to ask if she ever recieved it- because over a month went by and she never even mentioned it (and we talk many times a week…)
Maybe you just give her a pass because “she doesnt know any better”. But how could she not?
Post # 4
sanfranciscomrs: she’s definately in the wrong!! I mail my girls a thank you card after every appt they go to with me! (That’s too much but its who I am). She could have at least given you a nice thank you card at the rehearsal for everything. I wouldn’t want to talk to her either!!!
Post # 5
You were owed at least a Thank You, that’s for sure. As for the presents, I know what you mean by you’re not being snobby. I explained to my Bridesmaids that I simply can’t afford to get them anything extra, we have a daughter, car, mortgage etc… our wedding is coming in at under $2000 and to be honest, we are struggling with that. But that’s the difference, I already explained it to them. I guess it also sounds as though she didn’t have a problem with money either.
I would be hurt if I were you.
Post # 6
@mchitt329 – Thanks for your response! I know the feeling. I do feel she should have been more aware of the expenses she was costing us, but I let that go based on my “well she was in my wedding party so now it’s my turn” type attitude. If she had been grateful, I don’t think I would even be bothered about it beyond “Well that’s just how she is” (about expenses).<br /><br />@MrsBuesleBee – Haha thanks for the validation. The thing is, she’s a grown woman, she SHOULD know better. And just because she doesn’t, it doesn’t make it OK to me… I think I will wait a bit longer and maybe bring up the thank you card issue (via “So did you recieve our gifts?) but I don’t think I can ever address her ungratefulness about us being part of the wedding.
Post # 7
$400??? My wedding dress cost less than that. That is insane for a BM’s dress, then to be shouldered with more expenses to a tune of around 2 grand? Crazytown. That coupled with the no thank you’s would have me distancing myself quite a bit from her.
(And God help you if she gets pregnant–who knows how much you’d be expected to spend on her baby shower and baby gifts!)
Post # 8
I was in a bridal party and the bride never said ‘thanks’. It’s been a year and I’m still a little ‘wha?’
Recently she was talking about how her husband was in a wedding party and they ‘only got cheap sunglasses’
There were two of us from her bridal party at the table- “At least they got something” is what I said… and got a kick on the shin from the other bridesmaid.
Post # 9
PumpkinMuffin: Haha I was exactly that kind of bride too. I probably went overboard with gifts but that is just me (and they were mostly small). I never expected her to go out of her way, but the not even a card part is what gets me.
sandy85: Yes I totally agree. If she was under financial hardship, budget is tight, whatever, it’s not about the gift, it’s about the thought. It’s that there was NO thought whatsoever that is what is bothering me given how much of my money/time I spent on her big day.
Post # 10
MrsYokiman: Yeah it was wildly expensive. But I sucked it up because she was awesome in my wedding party a couple of years back, and I wanted to return the favour. Probably is why I feel so burned now. The baby shower LOL my husband said the same thing!
BeezWaxx: YES! Someone in my position! I would want to make little comments too! I’m honestly so stunned about the whole thing I haven’t spoken about it much because it really makes me feel weird about her as a friend and we have been very close for a long time. It also pulled a weird response from my husband who ended up saying “I have never really liked this friend, and everyone knows she is spoiled” (!) It’s soooo weird when you see an old friend in new light.
Post # 11
Haha! I kinda blurted it out… I figured I had an opening so I may as well just go for it.
Other than that instance… I haven’t mentioned it, but I still am a little hurt that I didn’t receive a card or a sit down conversation where she actually said ‘thank you for helping me with my wedding’
Post # 12
sanfranciscomrs: I experienced something similiar in the sense that the bride never mailed out ANY thank you cards to any of her guests… she did for her baby shower, her bridal shower and to us bridesmaids (thankfully) but not one guest I’ve talked to and gave her money in their cards got anything back in return!
This rubbed me the wrong way because I also spent a lot of money on her wedding things and even though I got a thoughtful gift in return, I’m still miffed about the Thank You cards for the guests. My mom, dad, sister, her friend, my BF and his cousin all were in attendance and received nothing back… pisses me off so much and we are no longer talking for other reasons but I’m not going to lie and say that this isn’t part of it. Very selfish indeed!
Post # 13
Some pople haven’t been raised to observe the social niceties. I suspect tha tis the case with her.
Post # 14
sanfranciscomrs: ughhh some people are just ridiculous!!! Clearly she is just a selfish person.. I am so sorry you had to deal with her… I have a story that is kinda funny..<br /><br />I was the MOH for my cousin’s wedding. She picked me as her MOH even though I live 5 hours away and we aren’t super close. Right from the getgo it was obvious that she picked me to be MOH cause she didn’t have any close friends. But I accepted and I was greatful to be a part of her day. I spent money on a bachelorette party, the dress, paid for my hair and makeup, made a few trips to visit her and help with wedding stuff, offered to throw her a shower but she didn’t want it, and I even borrowed my moms escalade and drove us ladies around on the wedding day so that she didn’t have to rent a limo/transportation (she has a dinky little car). Never once did I recieve a thank you. Once I even drove down 5 hours to my grandmas house (she is 1 hour away from there) and I was supposed to meet her there to work on wedding stuff… she texted me once I got to my grandmas and said that she wasn’t coming.. I was soooo mad so I kinda just stopped doing stuff for her as everything that I tried to do wasn’t good enough… anyways long story short her wedding was 2 years ago.. and just last weekend we were at another wedding together and I mentioned how helpful the bridesmaids & groomsmen were and she looked me right in the eye and said “uhm yeah, no offence but our bridesmaids and groomsmen were the most useless I’ve ever seen”. Talk about ungrateful hey?! omg. I was soo pissed off lol. The only things that make me feel better is that she had an absolutely awful time at her own wedding cause she had such a terrible attitude, and that because of her attitude on her wedding day I decided not to return the invitation to be my bridesmaid. I am pretty sure she is bitter about that one.. but come on, who wants to share their wedding day with someone who is so rude and selfish? Oh and our present for being a bridesmaid was the pair of shoes that she wanted us to wear. How thoughtful of her. lol
Post # 15
I think unless you and your friends freely spend money and know it is not an issue, I really think it is rude to make people buy dresses that cost more than 150. And then not getting thanked. Yeah I’d be pissed. Not sure what I’d do about it though.