Unhappily engaged (long post!)

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee

Mrs.AlwaysRight:  

True Facts:

1. Setting a date 7 months into an engagement, and having a 19 month engagement is pretty common. Not weird at all….

2. A LOT of guys and girls just aren’t that into wedding planning, and to a select group of them, constantly talking about wedding crap is equivalent to water torture. 

3. Starting a business is hard work, and it sounds like that is his priority right now. Conversations regarding securing a solid future are probably more important to him than discussing a one day party…

4. If you feel like he treats you like a work partner, doesn’t spend enough time with you, and needs to give you more attention, you have to TELL HIM. 

Post # 3
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

my guy didn’t care about wedding planning at all yet he was very excited to be getting married to me. 

DH came to to 2-3 of the 10 or so venues i looked at.  he DID care about food and music.  everything else, i took care of.

maybe ask your guy what he is interested in doing in the wedding planning.

Post # 4
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

TheLadyA : this is pretty good advice right here. 

Post # 5
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

Mrs.AlwaysRight:  The length of your engagement sounds pretty standard and I don’t think comparing your relationship to others is ever a good way to go, they are all unique and you have no idea what they look like or what the problems are on the inside, I think you’ll just make yourself crazy over stuff that is out of your control and irrelevant to your relationship… in terms of practical advice:

Could you try having a rule about we can’t talk about work stuff after x o’clock, or when we’re doing non work related activities e.g. on dates or whatever so that work time and relationship time are separate?

You could also do something similar about wedding stuff, so have an hour or two set a side a week for wedding planning/discussion time where you run ideas and plans past him or tell him what you’ve booked to look at and why it’s imporatnat e.g. it’s important to meet with photographers beacuse we need to feel comfortable with who we choose/photos last a life time and it’s important to have good ones etc. This will mean he can tell the difference between importnat you both need to have an opinion and input type stuff and just nod a smile type stuff?

Post # 6
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

ajillity81:  +1

Try and find the few things he does care about. In our case, my FI really cared about the music and the beer selection, so he took the lead on those things.

As for your engagement, ours will be 20 months, so yours certainly isn’t the longest! And it took us almost 5 months to set a date, so again, you’re not alone. I know it can be frustrating when you have a longer engagement, especially when you have been together so long to begin with (we’ll be at 7+ years when we get married), but try and think about it positively: you’ll have more time to save, more time to decide and more choice in terms of vendors.

As for the work stuff, TALK to him! Tell him how you feel. Guys are really, really terrible at picking up on non-verbal cues (at least my FI is) – if you don’t tell them what’s wrong, they aren’t going to get it.

Good luck, and I hope everything turns around for you!

Post # 7
Member
5277 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

TheLadyA :  This exactly.

Post # 8
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Sounds like you guys aren’t communicating. Maybe pick one night a week for date night, and tell him work talk is off limits. Give him something to do with the wedding that he is interested in; the band for the reception, or the drinks for the bar. But most importantly, tell him how you are feeling; he might not have a clue that you are this frustrated. Don’t blame him when your other friends get married; everyone has their own timeline.

Post # 9
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

We are in a pretty similar situation.  We will have been together 8 years when we get married this September.  It took us (me) 6 months to book our venue and set a date.  He originally wanted to go down South thinking this was cheapest and most fun.  It turned out this would not be cheaper and it was really not something I wanted to do anyway. 

I have done 99% of the planning.  He has had input on his tux rental and ring choice.  I often got upset because he seemed to not even listen to me when I brought it up!  For example, I had a hard time finding a photographer in our budget and sent him links all the time to look at.  His answer was always “that’s nice, how much?  Ok book them if you like them.”  Then I came to realize he honestly just does not care about all the details.  His attitude has actually helped me relax a little and not stress about small things.  It doesn’t matter to him how many candles are lit or whether we have flowers in the centerpieces.  So now I just tell him when I do something for the wedding and he says “Ok” haha.  He has said he is really excited for the wedding, to get married and he appreciates all the work I’m doing.

As far as your relationship issues are concerned, we have also had our challenges after 8 years.  Our Pastor has required us to take a marriage course at the church and I have to say its been a big help.  It’s not a typical religious marriage course.  It has taught us skills on better communication, resolving conflict, dealing with issues from our past and families, explore our differences and how that can help and hinder our relationship, and even tips on how to increase romance and have better sex.  It has made us more aware of each other’s feelings and how to please each other in all aspects of our relationship.  They really push setting aside “marriage time” every week.  A couple of hours every week to share a meal, take a walk, or have a nice date together where you talk to each other on a deeper level.  Therefore, NO work talk allowed!  It’s so important that we still take time to really spend quality time together as a couple.

I would HIGHLY recommend something like this for you guys.  The biggest message is that marriage takes work.  You both have to make a conscious effort to communicate propely and be senistive towards each other.  I am so happy we did it and I feel like it has really put everything out on the table so we can enter our marriage with real expectations.

Good luck, and I hope you can sort out these wrinkles before your big day!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  MissKayDee.
Post # 10
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Mrs.AlwaysRight:  My fiance was like this in the beginning.  I think most grooms are just not “into” the whole wedding thing.  I got a lot of “it’s one day!” on things I wanted to do in the beginning, which was a real downer.  His priorities were his raise and career advancement, and purchasing a home.

Now we’re about 4.5 months out and he is ALL OVER IT.  Still treating things very business-like while I’m being fun and romantic with it, but someone has to be sensible (and it isn’t me!)

Aside from him treating you more like a business partner than a fiance, consider his dedication to your his way of paving the way for your future.  Once I thought if it that way, I was less concerned that he didn’t seem “excited” about the wedding day itself and found it romantic that he was laying groundwork for a lifetime together and children. 🙂    

 

Post # 11
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Mrs.AlwaysRight:  Man, I could have written this post myself when we were wedding planning, so I will vote that it is fairly common 🙂  First, men and wedding planning is like vinegar and sugar.  Ok, maybe not for all men, but MOST I have met had ‘little interest’.  There is a difference between little interest in planning and little interest in the marriage.  Once I realized that his lack of wanting to talk about seating arrangements did not equate to our marriage being doomed, him being selfish, and him not loving me deeply (which, took about 5-6 months into the planning), I turned to him for bigger things (like the budget), and turned to my sisters/friends for detail-y things.  It helped a lot.

Now, to parallel his ability to talk work for hours vs. his inability to talk wedding planning for hours is probably a stretch.  I know it is hurtful, trust me!! I know it is frustrating (because my DH turns to me about all work-related things daily (as he is chronically stressed at work), even though we do completely different jobs, and do not own a business together), I try to put it into prospective for myself.  One, he is communicating to me about a HUGE priority in a lot of men’s lives, whether it be victories or failures on the job.  For my DH, to be successful in work is to be successful in our marriage, for me, and for our lives.  He NEEDS to be a provider in that way, even if I would love him regardless of what he was earning.  This is important to him, and so is talking about it…with me.

However, you can communicate to your FI that you still need the love affair outside of the business partnership!  Whether you are setting aside one or two evenings a week without work talk, OR wedding talk, etc.  A time to focus on you and your relationship!  Then, to help you with wedding planning, set aside time weekly, or bi-weekly where you review things in regards to that with him, getting his full attention too.  

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  OUgal0004.
Post # 12
Member
2517 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Mrs.AlwaysRight:  Totally normal for guys to be disinterested. Especially when there is so much time left. My fiance ( i love him dearly) Didnt even look at our registry. I have planned and picked out nearly every damn thing. He also hasn’t seen our invites ( and probably wont), didnt see the venue for the rehearsal dinner lol. Basically anything there is to do, I have done myself ( aside from tuxes, I did manage to get him to pick them out with me)

I feel like once the wedding will get closer he will likely be more engaged in it.

I would just sit him down and say you want to hear less about work and maybe have a planned ‘date’ night where you don’t talk about work or wedding things.

 

Post # 13
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think date nights would be a good idea.

And it’s true, most guys aren’t remotely interested in wedding planning.  It’s just a guy thing.  I wouldn’t read too much into that.

Post # 14
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

TheLadyA :  You nailed it on the head. To the OP, I completely agree and think you should relax a bit, not everyone is into wedding planning and securing a future and your finances are more important than a party. The marriage should be more important. Have you guys considered eloping? Makes it easier on everyone!

Post # 15
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

I’m recently engaged and I asked fiance why he wasn’t more excited…didn’t he want to marry me? He said that of course he wanted to marry me but no man wants a wedding. I think guys just don’t get excited about the wedding and the planning. I know that whatever we do for our wedding I will recieve very little input from him. Don’t stress over it.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors