Post # 1
I’m the child of divorced parents who are happier now that the marriage is over; DH is the child of a couple who are still married after 40+ years but to all intents and purposes are utterly miserable with each other. In all honesty, I’d rather end up like my parents than his.
Basically, if the going gets tough, would you rather stay and be unhappy without dealing with it; get gone as soon as it gets difficult or try to work it out but give up if it’s not working?
Whatever your answer, I’d love to know what it is and why.
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
I picked other. I am the product of a rocky but mostly happy/stable marraige of 30 years my grandparents on my moms 50+ years of the same, my grandparents on my fathers side though they are dead had 40+ when the first one passed and she never remarried the 12 years she out lived him. I however am at 31 a divorcee, my first marraige was one to do what was right, I was pregnant. I thought our baby would fix our issues, immature yes but a common fault. I wanted my baby to have a two parent family. In the end our baby and a number of health issues tore our rift further appart. My ex husband is a very nice man but we just brought the absolute worst out in each other and my child deserved better. We split when she was very young.
Now since then its been over 8 years since the split and almost 7 since the divorce I’ve dated a good number of people. I wanted to find what was really best for me and my daughter. Some short term a couple long term. Most never made it past initial coffee dates or 2nd or 3rd dates because I just wasnt going to put up with crap again. I did have a couple of longer term relationships in this time frame but one of them ended after on off for over a year and I realised he was still not ready to accept my child at all he met her for 5 minutes and I knew that was it. Meeting my daughter was a very very very precarious thing. Only a a very select couple have met her and they were introduced as friends nothing more. Only two knew her long term one man I dated for over 3 years (this one he saw her every 2 months after 8 months in so it was infrequent), and my fiance. The older she got the more careful I got because I knew she was more and more aware of what a man could mean. I refused to live with any man I dated unless he committed fully not only to me but my daughter. During the dating phase I refused to show PDA in front of my child with these men. I was extremely careful. My dates took place on the days my exhusband had my child I always set her first.
When I met my fiance I knew very quickly he was the one. I introduced her at about the 6 month mark of our relationship we went for a very quick icecream. The two of them got along great! He very quickly wanted to take her places and incorporate her. Unlike the one other longterm dating situation. The other thing I had for the first time was a real working family element. I was floored never had I had that with anyone ever. I trusted my gut and after a year of dating we took our first vacation with her, and then a second 2 months later. Both went splendidly. I slept in different beds from my now fiance because he hadnt committed.
Due to this I am not worried about marrying my fiance. We have a very wonderful working relationship. My family and friends love him, his family and friends love me. We are a working pair like two cogs on a bike. I am so happy and over joyed. I’ve never met a more kind or understanding man. I have no fears because I know he’s loyal. After 2 years though we’ve had disagreements we always talk them out and we dont really fight. We respect each other and work as a team.
I chose other because after what I’ve been through in my life I honestly have no worries with my FI. I never thought I would be so sure of any man I dated but I am. We started living together 4 months ago and though I was nervous its worked beautifully. He takes care of my kid when I cant or I’m out. He even takes her places without me on his own accord just to give me down time, and he genuinely enjoys her. We have a working system in this house for cleaning, and cooking that just naturally fell in place. We are very happy together. I know going into this divorce isnt a worry for me. Everyday I am happier with him and I am thankful for him. I brush aside little things easily I always have and I focus on how wonderful our life together is and every day how great it is. It leads me to not worry at all even after 2.5 years things get better everyday.
I chose other because for the first time in my life I believe in the one. I found my one and I know we are simply meant to be.
Post # 4
In my past, both I and my husband and serious relationships (mine an engagement and relationship that lasted 12+ years and he a marriage) that faltered and didn’t work out despite our efforts.
I believe in making honest commitments and doing your very best to honour those commitments. Having said that, I don’t believe in staying in a relationship that is unhealthy or unahppy if you’ve done your best to work on the issues. I don’t take the commitment of marriage lightly at all, with reasonable expectations of hard times and I do feel that it’s a lifelong commitment for me. But if something very drastically changed and we could not work it out in spite of counselling, etc, then I would want to dissolve the relationship and hope that we would each go on to find love again.
I also think that the arguement to “stay for the children” is a faulty one….why would you want to model unhappy relationships to your children? Doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Post # 5
I voted for #2, but I think the poll wording leads the answers too much to get a true answer.
For example rather than:
I’m in it for better or worse and if that means being miserable for years so be it
I’m in it for better or worse because I made a commitment to do so and don’t take that lightly
If things get rough then it’s over
I’m willing to recognize when the relationship is dead without continuing to beat my head against the wall
Post # 6
@kay01: I’ve edited the options (albeit shortening the latter).
Post # 7
If the going gets tough I would still stick it out unless it was tough due to cheating abuse or things along those lines. If we weren’t getting along I would work on it and do what I could. If I couldn’t do anything I would still stick around. If I get married and things don’t work out I’ll look into the convent, I’ll be done with men for good.
Post # 8
personally i think quality of life wins over the vows taken.
my parents divorced and trust me, it was so much better after they split. it was like a weight was lifted. even as a young child, i knew that they were miserable with each other and this made the entire household tense and negative.
i never understood why people who obviously are miserable, stayed together. i know, mostly it’s because of the kids but trust me, it’s making the kids’ lives worse by staying.
Post # 9
We’ll do everything we can to keep our marriage intact. Ultimately, if it’s dead, and we’ve tried everything for at least a couple years, then we’d divorce. We’ll stick out bad times for sure and weather the storms, but ultimately if there is nothing left to save, we’ll end it.
Post # 10
As a strong, Bible-believing Christian, I believe that the vows I took must take precedence over my own feelings or happiness.
I believe that a marriage covenant before God is “til death do us part,” unless the other person were to take an action that would result in a Biblical exemption that would allow the first person to be released from his or her marriage vows.
I believe that Scripture provides two such exemptions — the first, in cases of adultery/infidelity/unfaithfulness, the second in cases where one spouse decides to abandon the other. However, even in those cases, I do not believe that divorce is necessary or required; it is simply permitted.
I believe in cases not covered by the above two exceptions — but where the safety and welfare of the other spouse or any children is at stake — that it may be necessary for the victim(s) of abuse to remove themselves from the danger of the home until such time that the abusive spouse agrees to seek treatment and is able to prove himself or herself trustworthy over time.
Post # 11
I am not taking crap from nobody !! I was in a long relationship product of this relationship I have my beautifull 6 yrs old daughter my daughter turned 2 and her dad was a total douchbag from the beginning but I stayed cause I wanted my child to have her two parents together ( Wrong) well I broke up the engagement and I am now married to a wonderful man who was married before and has a 12 yrs old son !!! Well my first relationship was when I was 14 and got pregnat at 15 ( immature ) I left my parents house because I don’t wanted to follow their rules ( big mistake ) if I did not take any crap from my dad and my ex I am not going to do it with my now husband !!! We are happily married but I won’t let anyone push me down !! My daughter is my priority if this relationship doesn’t work i will divorce !!! So far is working great we had been legally married for 2 yrs !!
Post # 12
Neither my husband or I would have married if we took the commitment of marriage “lightly” (so I find that wording rather assumptive of others, and also assumes people stay due to commitment and not potentially fear, finances, etc) but that does not mean we believe that we should stay married if we were miserable.
We have a very strong, healthy, loving, and honest relationship. Again, we would never have kept dating, let alone married, otherwise. That takes an ongoing commitment from us and we honour that commitment and mutually work as a team in our marriage. We are both open to counseling if required and have both done individual counseling in our lives, as well as counseling with past partners. This willingness to go to counseling was actually a “must” for us both in a partner as we do recognize the reality of divorce AND the importance of having a healthy and happy life together.
I do not foresee us, based on who we are and our relationship, having to make that choice but yes, if we reached a point where things could not be resolved through mutual effort and one or both of us were miserable, we would divorce. I know I love my husband in a way that I would rather my husband have a happy life on his own than stay with me in misery, as heartbreaking as that would be. Our relationship works so well as we CHOOSE to be together, not because we are “forced” to. If we do not have that? Well, I don’t believe there are any rewards for martyrdom.
From my own experiences and those in my life close to me, divorce is not the worst option option out there and often it allows people a second chance at a great life, single or not.
Post # 13
@SpecialSundae: I voted for the third option (very few people have opted for it, though). Having just come out of an abusive relationship, I have firmly come to believe that I owe it to myself to find happiness in life. Sure, it is immature to bolt at the first sign of trouble, but there is no use flogging a dead horse either. There must be balance in a person’s attitude. IMO, a person should try whatever s/he can in order to salvage a sinking relationship. However, when the relationship has become toxic, when the other person is taking you down instead of lifting you up, it is definitely time to end it. My ex, after inflicting every kind of lie, abuse and neglect on me for the last 5ish years, says: “but I was never willing to give up! You are the one who gave up.” IMO, such ‘not giving up’ has no value at all. In your example, I would probably follow your parents rather than your in-laws.
Post # 14
Personally I don’t believe in any god that wants me to be unhappy if I don’t have to be, so while I do take the vows I made in my church very seriously and have every intention of being in this marriage forever, if – God forbid – everything went south, I would absolutely get a divorce. That’s not to say I would jump the gun and go for a divorce at any rough patch. DH and I have been together for 8.5 years, I know that relationships take work. But if we had some issues that we just could not work through to a happy conclusion no matter how hard we tried, then yes I wouldn’t hesitate to get a divorce. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen though! haha
Post # 15
I don’t think it’s either/or…. Marriage takes work and I don’t believe that you can just fall out of love with someone. If it’s not working, you fix it…. no one can make you miserable but yourself.
Post # 16
I am going into this marriage with every intention of giving it my best shot. But I have been in an unhappy marriage and waited far too long to get a divorce because of the “better or worse” thing. Those words will NOT be part of our vows. If I am truly unhappy, I will have no problem walking away; life is short.