(Closed) Unhappy about his family situation

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

You have to remember you are marrying the man.  In this case, your man seems to come with a family who he wants to have with him on this special day.  You need to be a little more open to his situation, also I feel that you may not be communicating your feelings with your SO properly. 

I have a similar situation with my SO.  He supports his mother partially, she does have a pension, but that only pays her most immediate needs.  He also helps his sister out when she needs help.  I am mostly financially independent (I live at home but pay rent).  So I get frustrated when we are discussing our money and I found out $500 was paid for a hot water heater for his mom’s house, or $1200 toward taxes on the farm both he and his sister own (his sister does not contribute), etc.  In three weeks it will be our money not his and we need to be on board so we talk about it.  He has stopped paying out money without first talking with me, but I have never said don’t do it, just keep me involved.

 You need to get on the same page with your SO.  You may have to sacrafice a bit because helping his family seems to be important to your SO and it may have to become important to you too.

Good luck.

Post # 4
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Sorry you are going through this…

I can relate a little b/c my husband’s older sister is kind of a mess and he has spent a lot of money helping out her family…and for our wedding we had to pay for all their expenses (including lodging, a dress, shoes, and a suit).  I was a little upset b/c I was making such an effort to control costs for our wedding and did very little for my two matrons of honor (and they gave so generously of their time and money to make our wedding great)…and his sister was such a weirdo at our wedding.

BUT, it is your wedding and it probably means a lot to your husband to have his family there…and he probably wants to make it as easy as possible for them to attend.  I’m sure he would be heartbroken if his sister’s family did not make it to his wedding just because of money…so while I completely emphathize with you having to pay for them to attend…it is probably the best wedding gift you could give to your husband.  I’m not sure what you mean by saying you are reconsidering your wedding…of course, it’s a problem if he’s making these decisions without your input, but if you love him and want to build a life together with him, I don’t think this is something that can’t be worked out…keep talking it through (don’t allow the resentment to build) and hopefully you can reach a decision together.

Post # 5
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Sorry to hear that you’re having difficulties so close to your wedding date.  I think Chela is right that you need to work out financial differences before the wedding.  This is going to impact the rest of your life.  From my perspective, it seems that your Fiance needs to recognize that there is another person involved in his financial situation now, but that you also need to respect your FI’s values.  This can be very tough, but not unworkable even if you’re starting from different places.  I think the main thing is to get past just the fact that money is being spent and talk about what "value" it’s purchasing.  Why is your Fiance so generous with his family?  What about it is important to him?  And why is saving extra money important to you?  Can you genuinely not afford this or is it more of a fear that he will spend all your savings on family?  Is there any feeling that he might value his family over you?  Obviously this is something your Fiance has been doing for a while, so he must have some good reasons.  I do think that a person who is so supportive of his family is so b/c that’s in his fundamental make up.  You can’t change that.  But I think you can come to reasonable agreements that you are both comfortable with.

Good luck!

Post # 6
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m pretty blunt and can’t sugar coat things as well as the other girls. Im going to assume that you don’t have kids because your attitude sure does seem like someone who doesn’t have kids. I don’t trust anyone with my son and would never leave him for 3-4 days with someone, unless it was my mother, to attend a wedding. I don’t think you need to understand why she doesn’t want to leave her kids behind- why should she?

His family comes with him and if he wants his sister to attend than so be it. I realize that you guys are shelling out a lot on your side already for the wedding and for his family but family is family, they are more forever than future spouses. Either find a way to deal with it or reconsider you marrying this man, because his family is going to be part of his life til the end. They obviously mean a lot to him, so you should be more than considerate.

Post # 7
596 posts
Busy bee

Have you guys decided how you will manage your finances yet?  If not, I think this would be an excellent time to start doing that.  Decide whether you want to combine all your money, contribute to a joint savings account and keep personal accounts for the leftover, etc.  You should also come up with what your goals are and how much you need to save for each of them – the wedding, house, mortgage, etc.  After that, you can decide how much he can realistically contribute to his family without jeopardizing your own financial plans and goals.  Maybe you can set aside a certain amount each month that each person is entitled to spend, no questions asked.

It’s really important to be on the same page about this before marriage…it will only get more complicated after marriage!

Post # 8
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with you that if she is receiving financial help from you and your FH she should be CONSIDERATE and either just the sister comes or just the sister and husband.  She shouldn’t expect you to pay for her kids too!

I don’t think it matters whether you have kids or not, it’s common decency.  You don’t ask someone to shell out hundreds of dollars for kids who won’t even miss the wedding.  I’d recommend telling your FH that you would love for his sister to attend, but paying for the whole family is too much.  So offer to just pay for her, and she can’t use her kids as an excuse.  Also, always remember to let your FH talk to his family, because it’s HIS family.  Don’t get in between all that.

If you haven’t already, I’d recommend pre-marital counseling.  You can bring issues like this up and have dedicated time to talk about how to compromise with each other.  It sounds like you’re struggling to communicate, and PM counseling really helps!

Post # 9
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I’m going to second (third?) the recommendation for pre-marital counseling. Your fiancee has made it pretty clear that he views helping his family financially as pretty important. A good pre-marital counselor can help you talk about what that will be like a year from now? What about when you want to have kids, will he still be helping them? To go along with what emileee said, even if you can figure out how to deal with the sister and her family, this is an issue that is going to extend beyond the wedding and it’s important to talk about your mutual financial goals.

Post # 10
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It’s easy to look at the financial side to this situation, but you can also see that his family is very important to him.  Taking care of his mother financially can be something he values a lot because this is the woman who raised him to be the person he is today.  Even though his siblings may not help, he still wants to be there for his mother as much as he can, even if it is just financially.

As far as paying for his sister and family’s travel accomodations, maybe money isn’t a factor to him as long as he can have them there to support him on his special day.  Sure the kids could cause problems, but those kids are his nieces and nephews.  I’m sure they also have a special place in his heart.  Money is a small price to have everyone in your family be able to attend your wedding and share that special moment.

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