- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
My bestie and I were chatting last night about marriage, unhappy marriages, cold feet and all that jazz.
She has been married twice before and is happily married to her third husband who is amazing. Obviously she has had to make the decision to leave an unhappy marriage twice and I applaud her for being able to have the courage (with a child involved) to leave.
I wouldn't consider myself a pushover by any means. Nor would I say I am submissive or quiet or a follower. However, when discussing the potential to leave an unhappy marriage I couldn't say honestly that I would be able to based on a few complaints (barring abusive situations/drugs/obvious illegal activities etc). Call me crazy!
I am just wondering what the norm is amongst you ladies. Lets say you were married to a very nice man who worked hard and treated you well. Your sex life was eh so so for the sake of this experimental poll and your interests were pretty different but you shared a few common things. You were happy but not estastic and had some various frustrations/complaints regarding the relationship that went without change. Would you leave?
(For those that may ask, obviously I am not married and happily engaged planning the wedding of my dreams to the man I love so this does not apply, I am just curious for curiousity sake).
I have to say I'm in camp "something serious needs to happen". I would never want to look back and think...maybe if we worked on A, B, and C we could have made it. I would feel as though I'm giving up if I left because I wasn't happy, I'd take that as me not trying hard enough.
I'm sure others will disagree, but I guess this answer best goes along with my personality.
I can honestly say I have no idea until I am in that position. If you were to straight up ask me this question, I would say that I would leave because I was unhappy. But, I really don't know that though. Everyone in my family calls me the peacemaker becuase I would rather have everyone happy first. So I really don't know!
I hope I never have to find out either!
Honestly, none of what you described sounds "unhappy" to me. It sounds like someone with an unfulfilled life, which can be true whether you're single or in a relationship of any kind. If there are frustrations/concerned, they need to be voiced and dealt with - letting things brew until you decide you've had enough, catching your SO by surprise with the decision to leave is grossly unfair.
However, I did vote "Perhaps, depending on..." because if those concerns ARE being voiced and it's evident change will never come, then I might consider the relationship a lost cause. But I would fight to save it because honestly... who gets married to someone they only feel so-so about?
No I wouldn't. I work work to rekindle what we have and would go to counseling if needed. I personally cannot see myself getting divorced if there was no cheating or any form of abuse or additiction in the realationship. There is a reason I married this person and I would make getting back to that point much more of a priority.
I think a lot of people think you are supposed to be happy all of the time and the reality is whether you are married or single you will not be happy all of the time. Life is hard. I know sometimes when you are dealing with stressors being alone may seem easier since you just have to worry about yourself but it's always nice to have someone there going through lifes battles with you.
I keep hearing Taylor Swift's song lately and in reading this post I thought about a line from one of her songs "Life Makes Love Look Hard".
@jocember: Yeah I get that. However, I have read postings and heard complaints from women that reasons such as "so-so sex life" and "nothing in common" were making them unhappy that is why I mentioned them. To someone really suffering they might seem trivial but to those women experiencing them they might be a big deal.
Anyway thanks to all that have commented and voted.
The only way I'll leave him is if he cheats on me or lays a finger on me or my son. I don't see that happening though so were always going to try to make it work and work through whatever lack in sex life, temporary unhappiness or flustration we come across.
Unhappiness has a lot of faces. There are thousands of causes for unhappiness. If I were just discontent with my marriage, I'd spice it up a bit. Not with drama, but with affirmation. If I were unhappy due to causes beyond my control, then...
Beyond my control, such as natural diasters and his not having a job, my not having a job, of course I'd stick around. Beyond my control as in, his being abusive and unchanging or not addressing his personal issues, then yes.
I don't feel that I can answer this honestly until I'm in that particular situation. Part of me wants to say that I'd leave because what would be the point while. The other part of me wants to say absolutely not because I will always love FI no matter what.
I tend to dislike the word 'happy' because I think it's so relative. Take my life with DH right now. We got robbed on Monday. Our once "happy" home is anything but right now. We are grateful to have each other, grateful that nothing worse happened (like harm to either of us), but 'happy' is not part of the scenario right now.
I think the state of 'happy' ebbs and flows with life. If there is serious discontent with the relationship, I think the root of that discontent needs to be addressed and discovered.
You mention things being addressed and not changed but I don't think that's a fair gauge. That's like being frustrated your spouse isn't a tidy person, when all along, they've been messy and you keep trying to change them. IMO, that's an issue with you being delusional, thinking you are going to change a person just because they said "I do".
for me it depends, i think it is possible to remain in a loveless marriage because you put other peoples (children) needs first and still not be unhappy about the situation (if this even makes sense)
if a marriage is abusive or the person miserable then yes leave but marriage isnt bodice ripping passion every day, there are ups and downs and sometimes (im assuming) there are periods you wonder if you could be happier eleswhere but then you weigh that against the price of losing what you do value/have and work at it
Seems to me the common denominator is your friend. Perhaps she is unhappy and married because she continually chooses the wrong men.
Either way, since I'm marrying for the right reasons there has to be something more wrong then "meh sex" and a few common interests.
I married the wrong person for me in my first marriage, I was young and caught up in the idea of a "wedding" not a marriage. I left because I knew that I coudl not live the rest of my life with this man, and that I made a mistake but deserved more.
I think until you're in this situation is very hard to say. I never thought I would get divorced, but I did. I was married to a caring, doting, loving person. I was the light of their life. We were married for 6 years and the last 2 I wasn't in love. I was not happy in the relationship. I tried to get myself back to the place that I was before, but I could't get back to that. We had grown apart (married at 19) and our wants had changed. Nothing was bad or terrible. There was no abuse, but I cried every night over not wanting to be there. Choosing to leave was the best thing that I ever did. We are both remarried and admittedly much happier people.
@oracle: I am so sorry to hear of your situation! I can't even imagine how vulnerable you feel after being robbed. My thoughts are with you!
@eloping: but marriage isnt bodice ripping passion every day, there are ups and downs and sometimes (im assuming) there are periods you wonder if you could be happier eleswhere but then you weigh that against the price of losing what you do value/have and work at it
Very well said, that is what I was trying to explain to my friend...but not so eloquently.
I'm sure we'd all like to say something serious would have to happen, or that we'd never get divorced. Surely nobody who gets married plans on or expects to have a failed marriage. I am sure the response to this will reflect that, and rightly so.
Being over 40, many of my friends have divorced, and often it is because they were no longer happy. I think there are degrees of being unhappy in a relationship, and I think most of them were unhappy for years and years before they decided to divorce. I currently have a friend who has been married for 16 years, and I don't know if there is one specific "serious" incident, but she and her husband pretty much cannot stand each other any more, and it has been like this for over 3 years now. Counseling failed, intimacy is long out the window, and they are staying together "for the sake of the kids". I cannot personally imagine living with someone that I can hardly speak to for 15 more years just because there wasn't a specific serious incident to point to. If they've tried to work it out and there is no hope, are they just doomed to a lifetime of misery barring someone cheating or becoming abusive?
So, I can't say what I'd do not being in the situation myself, and I cannot judge others for their decisions. It's all intensely personal, I just hope that it doesn't happen to me.
I believe that something serious would have to happen for me to want to leave.
It would have to be a fairly mammoth thing for me to abandon my relationship.
I think generally people are too disposable with their 'stuff' - - it seems like it all merges into one throw away category in the end..... socks, food, mobile phones, cars, relationships. Often people aren't willing to 'make do and mend' or even work hard to fix something, because they percieve something newer, or better to be available to them. Just my humble opinion :)
It would take something serious for me to leave. Life is all about ups and downs and when i said i do i knew we would have challenges and im prepared for that. No one is perfect and no matter who you are with there are going to be times when your not completely happy. For woman who expect that and to always have an amazing sex life. Im sorry but your expectations are not at all realistic. Me i married my best friend not my boy toy.
It would depend. If it was because my expectation of marriage was fun and fireworks 24/7, then I'd probably talk to a counselor for an objective view, and to see if there might be anything I can bring to the table that would make my marriage a happier place for me to be. But in the end, life is too short to be "kind of" happy. If my marriage ever became a chore or I felt like I just wasn't in love, I'd fight for it and if nothing changed I would probably leave. I don't worry about it right now, but I'm realistic. It could happen. I hope hope hope it doesn't and I'm committed to working on things if they start to unravel, but I do have limits. I would never want to look back at age 50 and say "I wish I'd left while I had time to create the life I wanted for myself."
The only reasons I would ever leave would be: if he became abusive to me or the [future] children, or if he was hostile to my religious beliefs. I see every other reason a poor and immature excuse to get yourself out of what you got yourself into. You should always work for your relationships and, needless to say, they always require the work. It really upsets me that people think such a heavy commitment like marriage should just be cut off when they find themselves "unhappy" (goodness, that's not how anything works in this world, nor should it).
The flaw lies in the fact that people don't know what love means. It's far from just a feeling or an attraction, and I think if you go into a marriage with simply the feeling of love and not the attitude of sacrifice and giving 100% and uniting with this second person to become whole, then your marriage will absolutely fail.
Okay, I'm done preaching.
Something serious would have to happen for me to leave, or I'd have to be really unhappy.
I read an article in our local paper this past week around valentines day. It was on relationships and couples who were married 50+ years. One couple when asked that question stated that happiness was a state of mind and a fleeting emotion just like sadness and anger. There are years that OVERALL will be "happier" than others. They said that marriage was more than being happy, it was being respected, protected, and loved.
@leafgum: I think it's rather unfair to define someone's failed marriage in the terms of them not knowing what love really means/being immature/not wanting to work hard enough. No one is immune to falling out of love, no matter how much you want it to work. Some people just choose to stay in unhappy situations, others decide to pursue happiness by leaving a situation that isn't working. Personally, staying in a miserable situation because of religious reasons or not wanting to back out of a commitment sounds like a long term recipe for misery. Marriage isn't all fun and games, but it should overall make your life better instead of worse.
The flaw lies in the fact that people don't know what love means
i think people change and as we get older and more life experiences sometimes people grow apart because they have taken different paths or they have not nurtured their relationship. doesnt mean they werent in real love at the time of their marriage or stupid but the person you are at 20 is not the person you will be at 30-whatever. i think its easy to get into a rut and sometimes you have to make an effort so there is laughter and passion to remind you why you love this person
but in saying that i also know that one day in 40yrs time im going to beat my husband to death with the dining room chair because he never puts it back under the table like he is suppose to - its the little things that over years (decades??) that can drive you out of a marriage
I think of unhappiness as a part of life I guess, so I wouldn't jump ship just for that reason. However, how bad is this unhappiness, what is causing it, what are the underlying concerns- all of that would play in. If it is really bad, then maybe, -in other words, I can't really judge it without being in that position. For the most part, this is how I feel: I committed to this, so I need to work at it to prevent that from happening. For the most part, it would take something unimaginable for that to happen. Happiness comes and goes, and relationships are up and down, just like life is. Once again though, I can't say for certain without being there. I guess in general I do think of happiness as something that comes and goes, but if it was serious or impacting my health or something, or if it was an abusive relaitionship hwere he was taking my confidence ... then maybe. Mental health is pretty serious! But for the most part I am dedicated to working things through, and hopefully never getting to that serious of a place!
I would have to be pretty unhappy long term with no effort done on his end to fix the issues. I believe in working through the rough patches and I would absolutely do counseling or some sort of relationship rejuvination before leaving crossed my mind.
i left a good enough marriage that turned sour really quick. i never thought i'd be divorced and i stuck it out 15 years. people talk about divorce not being an option and unconditional love and i will say 100 percent i do not believe in that. of course, something is always an option and there are conditions on my love and what i will and will not put up with.
if you are in a loveless marriage, have done counseling and therapy and you are the only one working on it? and your spouse says he doesn't care? so you stay? for how many years? till when? till you're old and have no other options? i woke up one day and said today is the day. and it was. i got out and damn happy i did.
Physical & emotional abuse is pretty much the only 100% dealbreaker for me; Particularly with conjugal violence. If Mr Rugbee ever layed a finger on me (he's a big softy BTW) I'd be out in a heartbeat.
It really depends. If we were simply just not compatible, and never would be compatible as a married couple, then yeah, I would leave. I wouldn't wait around with someone I didn't truly love. If I was in love with someone but we had issues we had to work on, then I would stay, but not FOREVER.
You only live once, why spend it miserable?
I did that whole "stay with the guy, stick it out, maybe things will change" BS and guess what? It didn't work. I left him for the man of my dreams (aka the man I'm married to now.) if I never left, I wouldn't be with my dream guy. The man I left WAS physically as well as emotionally abusive, but even if he wasn't, in the end, I just didn't care about him that way.
It's all situational. I can't say a definitive "yes" or "no".
for everyone that is saying that abuse or cheating is the only thing that will make you divorce your spouse, ask if your spouse feels the same way. many times we get complacent in relationships and fail to meet our partners needs and we get ok with that because 'divorce is not an option' and 'we have unconditional love." that's all fine and good but after years of putting up with mistreatment (and i do not mean abuse, just general lack of care/not wanting to put forth the effort), people have and do change their minds everyday. and it's up to you, every day, whether you choose to let that happen or not.
Some people definately don't realize that it will take more than love for a marriage to last. You need to love and be loved, have respect for each other and expect difference of opinions, and even if you do all that you and your partner will be disappointed by each other from time to time.
Didn't read everyone's responses to this. But I personally believe a lot of failed marriages do so for a couple big reasons: people marry what they want to see and not the other person for who they really are, or people are still trying to figure out who they are or what they want out of life and realize their spouse doesn't fit into that plan. It amazes me that people have to go through test after test to operate a car, but anyone can get married or pop out a baby at the drop of a hat. I was super picky even in dating. Actually, I didn't even bother to date anyone until DH came along. I knew in my first conversation with him that we were a great match for each other. The idea of divorce from him is unfathomable to me because we have so much in common and compliment each other in so many ways. Divorce boils down to pluses and minuses: what are the pluses of staying married and what are the minuses of staying married. For me, the pluses will always outweigh anything short of him going absolutely crazy and becoming an axe murderer or something. While I can never for sure know he won't somehow become abusive or philandering or a drug addict, I know the chances are pretty darn low. But things like that I believe would probably constitute valid reasons to divorce. It's just that those things seldom magically come about later in life. Take your time, and marry the person whom you deep down know is a genuine compliment to every major value in your life. Leave (hopefully before marriage) if there are red flags. You can always be miserably married or happily single.
Wow thank you ladies for all your insightful comments. I agree with most of you and appreciate the commonality between your line and thinking and mine.
Keep the insightful posts coming.
Life is a precious thing and one should be happy. Yes there are ups and downs, but in general, one should be happy and feel supported in the relationship. Kids can make one stay in a less-than-happy marriage, but if daily living is miserable, time to get out!
the situation you described is not enough to leave, that must have been how they flet before they got married, if so then they should have thought of it be for they said I DO.
It would take a lot for me to leave, something would have to be really wrong and really bad. Relationships just like life will have its ups and downs and I know their will be times where we will be unhappy but we will work it out!
If I was unhappy, and the cause was not a fixable one, like one of us falling out of love and being unable to rekindle it, I would leave. My goal in life is not to be a martyr for marriage.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 94 |
| ndreighton | 77 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 56 |
| beargoose | 55 |
| Mrs.KMM | 46 |
| akp0702 | 42 |
| BetterSherm | 42 |
| MrsBlueSeptember | 41 |
| MrsPom | 37 |
| Beckster329 | 37 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| risingsun | 4 |
| RayKay | 4 |
| JulesSchnooks | 3 |
| vlbee | 3 |
| ElbieKay | 3 |
| MsMonkey | 3 |
| NVACat | 3 |
| Mrs.Enne | 3 |
| Future Mrs K | 3 |
| This Time Round | 3 |
