UNHAPPY- only 4 months married

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4441 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

@Lola518:  Moving in together is ROUGH! My DH (then FI) and I had a rough time moving into our house, it was so stressful, and we had lived together before!

Are you maybe a little bit depressed?  Or maybe you need something else to focus on now that the wedding is over?  I don’t think that this is something you should end your marriage over, you just need to work through some kinks that I do agree are totally normal.

Post # 4
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Lola518:  I’m not usually one to jump on the “go get counseling” bandwagon, but in your case that is exactly where I would start.  Let’s be honest here… if you start over with someone new, the novelty would wear off of that relationship as well and you’d end up right back in this place.  You need to figure out WHY your feelings have changed so drastically and in such a short period of time.

Post # 5
Member
3806 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

dose of tough love coming…

this is a real question. why did you get married?

marriage is about learning how to live with each other, learning about your husband – not your boyfriend, but your husband. i think you messed up with talking to everyone else. your marriage is between you and your husband. stop talking to other people. talk to your husband. learn your husband and learn how to accept him for who he is. its also about letting go. sounds like youre holding on to a lot and it has built a wall fo resentment.

happiness doesnt come with just getting married. when you learn how to live with each other, happiness comes by enjoying one another. i cant help you with falling in love with him again. thats a personal issue. you can only work at it. thats what it takes.

Post # 6
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

@Lola518:  

 

ehen I moved in with my SO, a friend of mine warned me that there’s a period of MONTHS where you might get unhappy before things go back to normal.

 

it sounds like you need to have a weekend/week off to not think about or worry about things in the relationship and recharge a bit. I wouldn’t give up just quite yet! 

 

Are you two still dating? As in, scheduling time to spend quality time together and go out on dates to make sure you remember why you had those feelings in the first place?

Post # 7
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Lola518:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I think there is a good chance this will pass but if a few months go by and you still feel this way – get into some counceling for yourself and then maybe couples after that. 

“I feel like he doesn’t act like a man.”

This very well may be and maybe some bees might be miffed over what I’m about to say but, in my experience, it is VERY important that you never say that to him.  Making a man feel like less of a man is ALWAYS a bad idea.  No – you’re not responsible for him being a manly man or how he feels about himself but men really thrive on respect in a marriage (sure, women do too) but men, more often than not, really need to feel like a “man” in their relationships.

I don’t want this turning into a sexism debate.  I just don’t want the OP to ever make the mistake of blurting that.  Not like the marriage will end over it but it can really hurt a man when women make reference to them not acting the way they “should” by ways of their gender.

Post # 8
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Lola518:  They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and I imagine only more so if you’re living together for the first time. This is a period of adjustment for both of you, and compromise and open communication is going to be key in finding a way to mesh and be happy together in the same home. Don’t give up! Every couple goes through bumpy periods and you two just need to learn how to coexist in a way that makes you happy. 

Post # 9
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Lola518:  You just got married and moved in with your husband.  People meant it when they say that the first year is the hardest, especially when you fo through two major changes in life at the same time (marriage and moving in together.)  The fairytale and the reality of marriage are crashing headlong and you are left finding out that marriage is regular life and not some magical fairytale where life is made perfect by saying a few vows and going on a honeymoon.  Since you never lived with your husband day-to-day you had no idea what to expect from daily married life, which is usually very different from dating life.

It also seems to me that some major event occurred before the wedding and you never truly got over and forgave him for whatever happened.  For this reason alone I would highly recommend you see a counselor or therapist.  If you cannot truly forgive him and move on from whatever happened, you will never be happy in this marriage.

Post # 10
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

Moving in is a huge challenge for couples.  Even the couples who seem to handle it best will say there were issues they had to work out.  When you’re living in close quarters with someone for the first time, you are going to learn good things about their habits, and you’re going to learn bad things about them.  My FI and I definitely had this experience when we moved in together.  We get along great as roommates for the most part, but some of our habits didn’t mix well.  We were open with each other and communicated our problems, and over time we worked it out.  Marriage is work.  It is not going to be a perfect honeymoon all the time.  The key is to be open with your husband and discuss these issues with him so you guys can work together to find a solution.

Post # 11
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Lola518:  Moving in with someone is very hard. It’s a lot to take in such a short time. Getting married, leaving your old life behind, moving in with someone who you are supposed to be with for the rest of your life. It is daunting.

I had some depression when FI and I first moved in together ~4 years ago. I found that if I TRIED to make myself happy, instead of focusing on what irritated me about him, I was much better.

Therapy might work great for you. You guys need to find middle ground living together. What is acceptable for him and you. Chores, shopping, what channels you watch on TV. Being married to someone isn’t about a whirlwind romance. It’s about being equal partners who appreciate each other. Rarely do I get roses and a candle lit dinner. But we are at a place where we work together as a team for all the things in our lifes, big and small. I think if you focus on your happiness and work on your relationship, things could get much better.

Good luck to you. I hope you find happiness, one way or another

Post # 12
Member
2718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@FleeSircus:  I agree. Sometimes you just have to bottle things up and not express every negative thought that passes through your mind.

Post # 13
Member
2571 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Moving in together is really hard… I admit to going through a bit of depression when we first did, the bickering and such was really difficult and you are left wondering if this is how it’s going to be now?

But, eventually things get better.  You work out the kinks and learn to communicate better.  Just hang in there.

Post # 14
Member
7075 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with the other posters – give it more time. 4 months is not that long, especially if you’ve never lived with someone before.

Post # 15
Member
9220 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mrs_pudding_pop:  +1.  I agree.  This sounds like a fairly normal period of adjustment.  The excitement and fun of the wedding and honeymoon are over and reality sets in.

Give yourself some time, OP, and maybe consider counseling.  I wouldn’t give up on a marriage too soon; you may have regrets if you don’t try to fix this.

Post # 16
Member
2042 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Lola518:  Our first year living together was HARD!!!  He was more falling out of love with me more so than me.  It was a lot of adjustment.  I was moving into HIS house.  We got engaged 3 months after I moved in, everything was PERFECT.  By January we had our first BIG BIG fall out. I took off my engagement ring.  A week later we mostly made up but I was walking on egg shells.  I was trying to be so so perfect and it sucked.  A few months later ANOTHER big fight.  Finally made up but again I was walking on egg shells.  We were engaged for 2 years because of all this fighting but literally once the 1 year mark hit we were good to go.  We really found out about eachother and knew eachother.  We learned compromise. Mostly him.  It was his house so he had to compromise the most. He had been living by himself for 2 years at the time I moved in.  I had always had a roommate. 

I ALWAYS recommend my friends to live together before getting married for at least a year to see if you really are compatible.  I hope yall are and its just a phase.  Have you told him exactly what bothers you?  Our communication really had to be worked on, well mainly his.  He was very introverted with his feeling and one extra thing would send him over the edge and he would just blow up.  I told him he needs to stop.  He did.  It took 6 months but he did. 

Good luck to you. Keep us updated.

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