(Closed) Unhappy with wedding and bridesmaid's pushiness with dress

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 4
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is why it is difficult to allow BM to choose their own dresses, while you simutaneously want an equal say.

I’m sorry for your frustrations.

Post # 5
Member
3741 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

“What’s the point of having a dang wedding? Just to put on a show for everyone else and make everybody so dang happy dappy about a big fake wedding?

I’m just so upset and I feel like crying. I’m SO frustrated. I just want to just give up. Why bother even trying? Why should I even be obligated to? Yes, I will do it because I’m obligated to. OBLIGATED.”

Who are you obligated to? You’re already married — you’re not obligated to go through any of this. “Putting on this show” won’t change anything — you’ll still be married tomorrow. Putting that aside, you’ve allowed a lot of this to happen. If you wanted the colors a certain way, you should have put your foot down. I don’t see why your husband’s desires should trump your own. As far as your troublesome bridesmaid, I would stop accomodating her. Pick the dress you want and if she doesn’t want to wear it, she doesn’t have to participate. At this point it doesn’t sound like you care to have her as a bridesmaid anyway.

Post # 6
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

@OrangeWhite:  wow….I cant even think of doing what you want to do. It’s my wedding and I’m glad you can be there with me as my bridesmaids but this is the color and length and I’d appreciate for them to wear what I would like them to wear like I’d do for them at their wedding.  Are you papaying or they are buying their own?  

 

I’m sorry you’re so stressed out 

Post # 7
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

Honestly, if I were you, I would just tell her that I have thought about it and decided that for MY vision of MY ceremony, I want all of the maids to match (or whatever your vision is) and that I have decided on “x” dress (or whatever dresses you want to narrow it down to, if you don’t care about/want matching). Include the dress that she  liked before she found the Morman website, if you aren’t requiring matching dresses.

 

Tell her that you understand it doesn’t fit her vision, but it is in your vision, so you understand if she doesn’t want to wear the dress(es) you’ve chosen and will need to step down.

 You’re already married-this ceremony is something you want, not need, and you are not getting anything you want. What’s the point of even doing it, if it’s no longer what you want? 

It’s time for you to take over instead of being run over.

Post # 8
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@OrangeWhite:  Why does your husband care about wedding colors & colors of bridesmaids dresses/ lengths of dresses. Isn’t this generally left up to the bride to decide? I think you should be more firm going forward in expressing what you want for your wedding. I hope you get some of the things you want instead of changing everything to make your husband & bridesmaids happy. That said, if you told your girls to pick out their own dresses I would just let them go with what they are comfortable in. It’s not worth the stress.

Post # 10
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh jeez.  Sorry, but why have you given in to your husband on so many things that you care about? 

Do you know which of the Mormon dresses she picked? How bad is it?  Maybe as you said, your BMs can find something that kind of coordinates with it?

*hugs* I would be at the end of my rope too. 

Post # 11
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@OrangeWhite:  can you post a picture of the Mormon dress? I’d love to see what it looks like 

Post # 12
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@kybride:  +1

OP, you need to put your foot down, remind her it is YOUR wedding, not hers, that you are happy to accommodate her modesty standards, but you want knee length dresses or longer (and knee length dresses are more modest than tea length IMO, cover more skin) She is the bridesmaid, NOT the bride!

As for this comment: “Maybe it’s because he thinks she may be abused. I don’t think she is. She said it was only verbal abuse and that it doesn’t happen often.” Verbal abuse IS abuse, no matter how often it happens.

Post # 13
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Jacqui90:  +1 

To say something is “only verbal abuse” is frankly insulting, I’m really hoping that it was just worded poorly. 

I would be super frustrated with this situation too though. 

Post # 14
Hostess
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@cmbr:  Yep, all of this.

OP, if you don’t want to compromise then don’t compromise. By negotiating with people you’re giving them power. The only one you should be discussing these things with is your husband, and you should be able to figure things out together and not be bitter about the outcomes. 

Post # 15
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Some random thoughts:

  • Tea length is longer than knee-length. It’s difficult to hem tea-length gowns to be flattering for everyone.
  • When I showed my FI this thread, his immediate response was that the OP ditch her husband. I’ll add that the OP’s husband should be the #1 supporter of the OP, and I don’t get the feeling he really is listening or paying attention to her. If the friend can’t address her abuse problems on her own, caving into her preferences isn’t going to speed up that process for her.
  • Since you are already married, just throw a reception and ditch having a big wedding party.
  • I have an ex-bridesmaid who happens to be Mormon. She was extemely frustrating to deal with re: dresses. Even though I was letting all the girls pick their own gowns from a certain line, AND paying for them, it wasn’t good enough for her and she made things really difficult for me. Her behavior and the way she approached the wedding ruined a 15 year friendship.  The religious bridesmaid in the OP’s party seems similarly incapable of seeing the forest for the trees.
  • Marriage is about compromise. I’ve had to compromise a lot with my wedding, but I’m 100% ok with it because they were joint decisions that FI and I made together.  He wanted a chapel wedding, I wanted a garden wedding. We found a cute chapel with a nice garden courtyard for photos. He didn’t want our wedding date to conflict with his football team’s schedule, so we scheduled around that. I really think a healthy part of the wedding planning process is to truly learn how to compromise and work together for your common goal. Not always easy, but everyone should get at least a little of what they want. 

Post # 16
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@minniemluv:  +1

I have no idea why your husband has so much say in the color and style of the BM’s dresses.  That seems absurd to me.  What would solve this issue?  FLOOR-LENGTH DRESSES.  The vision you originally had.  Modesty issue solved.

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