Post # 1
I’m a frequent poster but I’m posting under an anonomous name b/c I don’t want friends, family, or the boy getting wind of this…
I don’t know if I want to marry him anymore. At first I thought I was getting overwhelmed with this whole wedding buisness (and maybe I am) but the more time that goes on the more I doubt our relationship. I love him but I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him… Things that never bothered me before are driving me insane. Little things and big things. A huge issue I’m having with him is that he’s never excited about the things that are important to me. I asked him to go to a wedding with me and he all but freaked out. All he’s been doing lately is watching TV and playing his video games and if I say anything to him he says I’m nagging. He’s also by no means an alcoholic but when he drinks the second he has one sip of beer in him he turns into an a**. There are so many little things going on that I just can’t take it. We live together so I also have issues with him with things around the apartment, he never cleans and he always complains. I know its wrong to say this but I feel like he always has something going on that he wants sympathy about, he says his tummy hurts but then scarfs down mcdonalds. He also never buys anything for the apartment, he says its b/c he doesn’t want certain things but then when I buy it suddenly he wants it. Not only is it things like that but his personality is starting to try my patience. He never shuts up! If on the off chance I’m watching tv and he’s on the computer he will continually try to talk to me (about something I have no interest in) or he’ll ask me whats going on in the show, if I were to do the same he would flip. I tried to ask him something while he was playing his video game and he snapped at me. It drives me nuts. Then whenever I say something about it he freaks out and about 10 min later will come apologize but he won’t want to talk about the issue he just wants to kiss and makeup which would be fine if the issues never came up again but they always do. He just doesn’t want to ever talk about important things. I could just go on and on…
I’m obviously being very onesided on this b/c I am upset. He really is a sweet guy, he still opens car doors for me, tells me he loves me all the time. He’ll do little things for me here and there, and I do believe he trys but I just don’t know if thats enough anymore. We’ve been together for over 5 years and I’ve never felt this way before, when we got engaged I was over the moon happy and now I’m just not. I know he would never go for counseling so I don’t know what else to do. Any advice is very much needed. Thanks ladies.
Post # 3
You need to trust your gut. If you think it’s just wedding stress that is causing your emotions to flare up and nag about the little things, then you should just have a talk with your FI and try to be more open minded during a stressful time.
If, on the other hand, you look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, grow old and grey with, have a family with…. and you can’t answer definitively ‘yes’, then you might need to discuss moving on.
Post # 4
I am SO sorry you feel this way. Please remember that at one point or another, our SO gets on our nerves, no matter how much we love them. Take a break when this happens and go to the gym, walk your dog, indulge in a good book but just take a mental (if not physical) break for a few hours.
The other case scenario of course is that you have fallen out of love with him and are afraid to admit it and everything he says or does gets on your nerves.
After 5 years, it’s perfectly understandable to say that people and circumstances change. Perhaps you have evolved as a person and grown and he hasn’t?
I hope you figure out which one it is. But never, ever ever marry someone if you really arent’ sure.
PS. You say he would never go to counselling, but when a woman knows, she knows. So I’m not sure that counselling would help you fall back in love with him, if the reason you are hurting now is that you have fallen out of love.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you are going through this. I have a suggestion.
Spend some time alone, and picture yourself without him. Are you happier, or are you sadder? IF you never saw him again, how would you feel?
I read this in a book once, and it really put things in perspective. I guess the one thing that concerns me most, though, is…can you talk to him? I don’t mean yell, b%tch or whine, I mean sit down and talk. If you can’t do that, then maybe you should move on. But, perhaps you need to take a look at your approach, too.
Post # 6
Yikes.. I am sorry, it could be wedding nerves.. but then again, maybe you are now seeing his “real” side, since he now knows you belong to him (well you don’t, but since you are getting married, that’s how men think). You should talk to him let him know how you feel, tell him he is making you doubt him, and aren’t happy….
Best thing to do is talk and let him know what is bothering you. If you can’t resolve the issues, you probably shouldn’t get married. You have to be happy.
Post # 7
@meno – I went out of town this weekend and pretty much the entire time I was thinking to myself how great it would be for the 2 of us to take a trip to where I was together. When I got home I couldn’t wait to talk to him about my trip (when he goes on trips to football games with his buddies he always want to tell me everything that happens despite me not really being into football) I just assumed he’d at least ask if I had fun but when I walked in he was playing a video game and barely looked up to say hi.
I do love him, I guess I’m just getting so frustrated lately. I’ve been doing all the planning and I feel like I am always the one working or trying in this relationship and he is just a blob…I used to feel like we could talk about anything together and lately I’ve just been noticing how I don’t feel that way anymore, now I feel like everytime I bring something up he’s just going to get aggravated and start a fight…
Post # 8
@anoname: You love him, but are you IN LOVE with him? Please, it is crucial you sit him down right away and lock the door so he can’t leave, and talk this out. If he dosen’t sway or blames you or the other, I’m afraid something is terribly wrong with your relationship. But if he hugs you and says he had no idea you were feeling this way, there is hope !
Post # 9
I don’t know if I really buy that there is a difference between being “in-love” with someone vs. loving them, or that you can really fall out of love with someone. All I know is that I have been with my fiance for 7 years and there have been moments where he drives me crazy and I wonder if we’re right together, as well as moments of absolute joy and shock at my luck in finding someone so amazing. That’s why I like that quote about marriage–“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, and always with the same person.” But this may just be the way my relationship is!
That said, it sounds like you guys could benefit from some premarital counseling. Just that little story you told about getting home from your trip and wanting to tell him all about it and him just playing videogames–that seems to speak to a real issue, to me! You still want to connect with him and you want to do things with him but he maybe isn’t there for you enough. That video game thing alone would drive me crazy. I mean, it sounds like you have some legitimate causes for complaint. Everyone gets annoyed every once in a while with their partners, but it sounds like he (and you too probably) could work on some stuff in your relationship to make it better.
I don’t know you, but I would say that you shouldn’t give up on your relationship yet. When is your wedding? Do you think premarital counseling is an option?
Post # 10
i just wanted to let you know that a few of the things you mentioned, i am going thru with my FI and i can honestly say alot of it is stress n wedding jitters
–like little things that never used to bother u now do. stress. he never cleans? um yea neither does my FI i dont think unless u have a clean freak that u have a man that cleans often or cleans good. -again, this bugged me but was never an issue til the stress came on. him never being excited for you could also be one of those dumb guy things, but u need to speak up and say something judge his reaction. i bet that hes bottling things up inside because i often ignore my fi not on purpose, but im so preoccupied he will call me out when my eyes glaze over n im not paying attention.
the other things like if im in the heat of moment mad at him i might think i want to break up but as soon as we talk it out im back to being happy and i for sure cant picture myself without him..so if u dont feel the same way u need to explore that within urself becuz i think thats over n beyond wedding jitters…hope this helps!!
Post # 11
He sounds like a child, so I’m not surprised you are re-thinking the wedding/marriage. No one wants to marry a child! The “good things” you talk about wouldn’t be enough for me, given the “bad things” you’ve talked about. A book I found very helpful for me was “The Conscious Bride” – it’s good at setting out red flags vs normal jitters about “forever”. Some counselling for yourself might help too, to talk to an objective party who can help you sort things out in your own head.
I think getting engaged often puts our relationship and SO under a microscope – all their little annoying habits can seem worse because THIS IS FOREVER. Sometimes it’s just facing the reality of what marriage is like, but other times it really is a question of asking yourself, “is this what I want my life to be like forever”. Right now, the answer is no (I think). Not to say it can’t change but you and your FI need to decide if you are willing to put the work in to make that happen. I would just say trust your instincts and be kind to yourself. All the best.
Post # 12
It may be pre-wedding jitters or it may be the universe trying to give you a heads up.
I personally would not pussyfoot around. Ask him if he still wants to get married and what’s up with him lately. Tell him exactly how you feel. Ask him how he feels. Tell him if he can’t be straight with you, you can’t marry him. My God, this is the person you will be spending the rest of your life with. Take it from someone who has been married twice before – never marry just because there is a wedding in the works or because you are used to each other.
Post # 13
Hmm… I would say, don’t get married unless you’re absolutely sure! You should ask him if he would go to counseling because sometimes, as humans, we just always assume and we don’t really know how the other person feels about such things. So do try asking first if you haven’t.
Wedding planning stress could definitely be the cause of all your negative thoughts and emotions but it might also be that it took until now for you to see and realize these things. It might be a sign that something isn’t quite right.
I got upset with my FI becuz of wedding planning stress but I never questioned the type of person he was and whether I would want to spend my life with him. Sure he didn’t do some things but I never felt that he wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be with.
On the other hand, I broke it off with a past BF because he did things like play video games or stay on the computer all the time and never cleaning up or anything. I totally felt like he was a blob and I said to myself, I can’t spend the rest of my life with someone like that. So it was quits for me. If you haven’t set a date, seriously consider counseling and making sure that you really want to marry him.