(Closed) uninterested BM

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Ugh… I feel for you.

I have 4 bridesmaids and my Maid/Matron of Honor is AMAZING, she is constantly there for me. My other bridesmaid is also wonderful even though she lives hours away. She is always asking me for updates and tries to come to see me for important things (like dress shopping). She is always telling me how happy she is/how excited she is for us.

Then there are my two sisters. This is the worst because I wanted it to be a bonding thing between us, but it just isn’t. My sister who is married is my Matron of Honor and she literally NEVER even calls to ask how planning is going. She hasn’t so much as asked for a picture of my wedding dress and doesn’t respond to calls/emails for WEEKS at a time. My younger sister who is still in high school couldn’t care less about the wedding. She actually told me that no one cares about the wedding. She wouldn’t even come to see my dress when I brought it home, and when I first got engaged she didn’t even want to look at the ring.

So sad 🙁


I have been in two weddings where I wasn’t very involved with the planning and I now realize that I really was not a great bridesmaid or friend at the time. I think it was because I just didn’t know how much went into it and I wasn’t totally certain about my role. As a bride you know how much your bridesmaids mean to you… but I did not know all of this until now. I say she just doesn’t realize how her actions (or non-actions) are really affecting you.

Post # 4
26 posts
  • Wedding: October 2010

Perhaps she’s feeling a bit like the 3rd wheel in the situation. You said she’s isn’t going through a life changing experience which may or may not be true. There are other life changing experiences besides getting married and having babies. Maybe she feels like she is viewed in a different light because she isn’t doing one of those two things and feels like her own life isn’t as important/good because of that. Have you acted at all interested in her life? I think sometimes brides get uspset when bridesmaids don’t care about everything detail of the wedding and we sometimes don’t realize that maybe we aren’t being a good friend either. Have you taken her out for lunch and not talked about the wedding? Ask about her school, work, family, relationship, etc? I think maybe taking a step back and trying to restore the friendship would do a world of good. Or she maybe just doesn’t understand how important this is to you and how much it means for you to have her with you as a bridesmaid. Good luck.

Post # 5
3576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I can relate a bit to this as none of my BMs are local.  One is in NYC and she’s having a baby in April, the other is in Atlanta and then my MoH who is my sister-in-law lives in Germany. 

I feel like I’m slightly missing out on having local girls and wish at least one of them lived close.  But the good thing is, my MoH does call to check in…the other do not…but I can understand why.


Post # 6
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think it may be common.  I’ve had this experience, a lot of us have had this experience.  What I decided was that she felt very unable to relate.  This friend that I’m referencing, just went back to school, she’s really never been in a long term relationship and I get the feeling that she’s working through some inner demons.  I don’t have all of my sh*t together, believe me, but in comparison, she may see me as doing “better”.  Therefore she’s distanced herself, not to be malicious, or to appear uniterested, and I don’t want to say that she’s jealous, she’s just dealing with her own stuff. 

Post # 7
3 posts
  • Wedding: August 2010

I wouldn’t automatically take it as disinterst. As some have said already, sometimes someone that has never been involved in this process just doesn’t know where to start or how to engage herself. I am a Maid/Matron of Honor in a bridal party of 3 – 2 of us are involved and another is not. The bride had a talk with her about how it made her feel and that if she wasn’t interested in participating she didn’t have to feel obligated. I’ve talked with her and she has said a few times how she’s never been involved with the planning of a wedding and doesn’t really know where to start. I’ve tried to help her out – but at the end of the day they should think about the friendship and that sometimes a little phone call or email go a long way.

Communication is key – talk to her – let her know how important she is to you and that you want her to SHARE this experience WITH you.

Post # 8
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

i have the same feeling about my sister who is my moh, but i don’t really care too much though. we’ve never been terribly close and she’s off in college, so i don’t really think my wedding is the first thing on her mind. she’s helped me with some things and she had a good time going dress shopping for bridesmaids dresses with another bridesmaid and i, but she’s just not 100% into it.

i’m not the kind of person who feels like the bridesmaids HAVE to be into my wedding. i know that they all have other things going on in life and my getting married isn’t their top priority. as long as they show up on my wedding day and have a good time (and at least wear their dress!), i would be happy.

Post # 9
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Carlouel Yacht Club

How involved are you hoping your BM’s to be in the wedding planning process? I think that it totally depends on how much you are hoping they will contribute.

My BM’s are all from different states, and the closest one to me at the moment is 4 and 1/2 hours away (DC area). Therefore, I really am not asking them to help much. I did my dress shopping in Florida with my mother, asked them opinions on the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress, and will help them out with figuring out shoes/accessories/etc. But, other than that I really don’t know what else they would need to do??? I’d be interested to know what you have in mind that you would like them to help out with.

Also, perhaps (like others said) your friend just isn’t aware of how to be useful to you in the process? She might not be disinterested…since your wedding is still 5 months away she might not know what to do to be of use to you at this point. I think that a lot of first time BM’s might feel like their duties involve buying a dress and then being there for you during the days surrounding wedding festivities?

Post # 10
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I have 6 bridesmaids and only two are remotely interested in talking to me on a normal basis, never the less about wedding stuff. 3 are family so I can’t exactly be like “WTH!” but the last one well… definately be like WTH. To be honest to a lot of women they don’t seem interested in taking on anything other then the title, which annoys me, because I had visions of well —advice, especially from the 3 that are married already. I personally feel like I don’t get the e-mails I’d hoped for “Hey how’s it going? How’s the wedding planning?”- it’s an e-mail you can send in 5 min tops! I know some ppl are now looking up at my date right now going “you just started planning- WRONG!- I’ve been through this whole spill before without the walking the aisle part (Frown). Basically as far as I can tell it is completely normal. Should it be? NO. I think when brides mention this we don’t want others to think “She just wants the world to stop for her one day” when all we want is a phone call, email , text message that shows that your interested in actually being there for us instead of just having to walk beside a handsome man for 30seconds as you walk down the aisle and stand their for 15 more looking great in a dress that the bride probably took pain staking months picking out, so that everyone looked good and felt good in it.

Post # 11
27 posts
  • Wedding: October 2010

I had an uninterested Bridesmaid or Best Man. I contacted her on the 1 year mark until our wedding (we have a long engagement) and kindly told her that I had a cousin who was practically begging to be IN. I told her that I would love to still have her be a Bridesmaid or Best Man if she was interested, but if she was not, as she hadn’t responded to any of my wedding emails in almost 9 months, that I would not be put out. 

She responded that she was having financial difficulty committing to the duties and that she would glady step aside for my cousin.

Problem fixed and 365 days to go…. 🙂

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