Post # 1
My son is engaged and a wedding date has been set for September. I am single, live by myself with no help but am paying for the wedding since brides mother and father say they are broke and cant afford it. I make good money so I don’t mind helping. I have done a lot of research on venues, cakes, etc and gave it to the bride and groom to review since they have asked for my help in planning the wedding. The groom gives his opinion but The bride does not seem interested at all – nor do her parents. She does not give an opinion one way or another about the venue, DJ, photographer, etc. – doesn’t say she doesn’t like it – just doesn’t say anything. I am starting to have a bad feeling about this. Usually the bride to be is worried about every detail –this one just doesn’t seem to be interested at all. I ask her if this is really what she wants and she keeps saying yes. But actions speak louder than words…. What should I do?
Post # 3
I would ask her if she really wants to marry your son, and I would also tell her that you aren’t going to do anything else, until she can at least contribute her opinions and/or do some of the leg work. It seems like you are being her wedding planner, for free. Even when brides have a planner, they always contribute their opinions and/or do some of the leg work.
Post # 4
It’s possible that this girl feels awkward since you are paying and have started researching/planning – have you talked to her about what kind of wedding she wants? Or what she envisions? Not just giving her a list of options, but actually finding out what she’d like, and then looking for that.
It can be a little intimidating when someone else starts to plan, and if you’ve put a lot of time and effort into the research you’ve done, on top of helping to pay for this wedding, she may feel she can’t say she doesn’t like something.
What is your relationship with her like normally? If you’re not very close or haven’t interacted much, it could be that all the planning is simply coming on too strong for her.
Also, not all brides go crazy over every detail – I couldn’t have cared less about a lot of them, and drove my poor mother crazy the week leading up to the wedding when she found out that I’d elected to simply skip things I didn’t care about – ceremony decorations, wall hangings for the reception, a slideshow (the kind wth baby pictures of us, etc.), a guestbook, whatever else. Even if her lack of planning interest is genuine (rather than being intimidated by you), it doesn’t necessarily reflect poorly on her desire to marry your son!
Post # 5
I’ve asked her several times I have even suggested having a small ceremony instead. I dont get any response on that either. I think I am just going to leave well enough alone, if she wants a wedding bad enough she’ll want to get involved. I don’t even have a guest list from her or her family. I think she’s getting cold feet and every time they get in a disagreement she threatens to call off the wedding. I’m starting to think she isn’t ready.
Post # 6
If you think she is getting cold feet then pull out now. Don’t waste your money on deposits if she isn’t 100% sure.
Post # 7
We are pretty close. I hear from her almost every day. They don’t have a lot of money so I have had to help them in the past with bills, etc. before and that didn’t seem to bother her so I don’t think me paying for the wedding bothers her either. Her family never helps. She has picked out a general bridesmaid color and that’s about it. At this point though, I’m worried about losing deposits. I have one more month to get a refund from the venue.
Post # 8
It sounds to me like my daughter, who was afraid to postpone for fear he’d be angry and even break their engagement. She just wasn’t ready and didn’t know how to tell everyone, so I had to keep trying to get to the bottom of it before we went any further. We ended up postponing and it actually did take place, but a year later.
I wouldn’t do any more deposits either, unless they are refundable up to a certain point. I had some that would refund, and some that would just keep the money on Hold until it was rescheduled.
Post # 9
She either has cold feet, or feels overwhelmed that you took the reins and are researching and deciding everything. Honestly, if my MIL had taken control of everything like you have, I would have eloped. So she’s either trying really hard to not say anything to you about that and it comes across as disinterest on your end, or she is having second thoughts about the wedding. Either way, it needs to be addressed.
Post # 10
I can truthfully see both sides of this situation.
In my situation, FI and I are paying for the majority of the wedding, but his mother and his father and step-mom are contributing as well. My family isn’t contributing b/c of financial reasons.
My FMIL has on many occasions tried to give her input, and while I always appreciate her opinion, it’s difficult to know how to respond. If I don’t like something, I don’t want to offend her. Also, I have a fairly strong idea of what I want, and I don’t always like unsolicited input.
Have you tried asking her what she wants? It is possible that she feels like she can’t voice her desires to you because you just went and did the research for her- since you took charge, she might feel like you’re in an authority position now and she might not feel she can challenge you if she doesn’t like something.
I would try to see it from her angle too… How many girls have their FMIL planning their wedding for them?
I think your heart is in the right place, but I think you should talk to her before you assume that she’s not interested in the wedding.
Post # 11
As odd as it seems (especially here on WB) there are some rare species of women who don’t give a rat’s behind about wedding stuff. They just want to say ‘I do’, and be done with it. I’m not one of those, but my SO’s brother’s wife is. They started planning about four months ago, and he was more into all the details than she was. They went from a plan to have a small ceremony and reception at a B&B, to having a JOP and a backyard gathering afterwards. She just didn’t care about all that other stuff. Her MIL scored her a dress secondhand from someone she worked with, and she had zero interest in trying it on. Even though she said it was pretty, and something she would try on if she went shopping, she just had no desire to do so. She ended up wearing a cute little white cocktail dress for their nuptials.
Not to say that PP’s advice of investigating a little further into what’s going on is unwarranted, but also entertain the possibility that she just may not care all that much about the details. Either way, simply ask her why she’s uninterested.
Post # 12
Are you my sister’s mother in law?
My sister is doing the exact same thing right now (but both sets of parents are paying). Her mother in law is planning everything with the groom and my sister has this can’t be bothered attitude about anything.
I would personally make sure she’s planning on going through with it or giving them a certain amount of money and saying “Hey, here’s X amount plan the wedding.”