Post # 1
Good Morning Bees,
I’ve read other posts about bridesmaids being uninvolved with wedding planning and this case isn’t as extreme, but I’m in a situation that’s left me feeling a little down…
Some background: My fiance & I are having 2 weddings, a tiny church ceremony next month w/ only our immediate families, then we’re having a big outdoor wedding (can’t have an outdoor Catholic wedding) w/ all of our friends & family next year.
One of my bridesmaids, who’s also my best friend, decided to throw me a little surprise "pre-bachelorette" party this past Saturday since the church wedding is coming up in a couple of weeks. I was very surprised and touched that she planned it and was so appreciative of all the girls who were there, which were bridesmaids & a few other girlfriends who aren’t in the bridal party, but I’m close to. We all went to a nice dinner, then out in the city! Out of our group of friends, I only chose a couple to be bridesmaids and chose cousins as the rest, but one of the friend-bridesmaids, who’s a very close friend, didnt’ show up or even call to ask how it went. I’ve learned that wedding planning makes brides very sensitive and I feel like all of my emotions are magnified times 100, but I was pretty hurt by this – especially to find out that the reason why she didn’t go was to hang out w/ her boyfriend and his friends. We used to go out all the time and even if one of us can’t make it, we usually call each other the next day to see how it went, so I was kinda butt-hurt that she didn’t even call to check in. She’s also been pretty detached with all my wedding plans and hasn’t called to ask how things are going or offered to help with anything. I feel self-centered, as if I expect bridesmaids to know that they should be at these things, but I can’t help feeling that way… maybe because it’s my time of the month right now too. I’m planning on having dinner w/ her to let her know how I feel, but also wanted your opinion on another thing. I understand a lot of ladies don’t understand that there are expectations when they’re asked to be a bridesmaid, especially since I’ve been one before. I’ve seen these links on theknot that give info on ‘bridesmaid duties’ and thought of sending a friendly email, but don’t know if it seems rude and demanding. I’m now wishing I gave the girls one of those bridesmaid books when I asked them cause I realize not all understand the importance of it. The thing is – I don’t feel like they should be "duties", but I know when I’ve been in weddings, I was so honored to be asked to participate that I always offered help and wanted to be involved cause it was exciting! I know this might not be the case for others, but I don’t understand why they wouldn’t be excited, especially when we’ve seen each other through so much and when I got engaged they shared the excitement with me.
What would you do? Does sending out that type of an e-mail seem offensive? Have you ever received an email like that from a bride & how did it make you feel?
Any advice is appreciated.
Post # 3
OK first of all, I need to ask this question: is "butt-hurt" a term people use on the West Coast or something? And what does it mean? Because maybe I’m five years old but I giggled when I read that. The first time I thought it was a typo…
OK, on to your real question. If you are going to say something, don’t do it via email. It should be an actual face to face (if possible) convo or at least on the phone. I think email makes it slightly impersonal and if the whole point of you talking to her is that you feel a bit hurt she didn’t come, then you yourself should make it as personal as possible.
And if there are things that you would like your BMs to be doing that they aren’t, you need to make that clear to them in a nice way. As a BM, I wouldn’t appreciate being handed a book outlining things I’m supposed to do. Again, I would keep it personal and actually ask your BMs if they can help with X, Y, and Z. They probably don’t know that you’d like their help. I’ve been a BM several times – sometimes the bride asks for nothing but the dress, sometimes she wants help with other stuff – but I only knew because the bride communicated with me.
Post # 4
Oh wait, nevermind. I just saw you are planning on having dinner with her not emailing her – good call.
Post # 5
I’ve lived on the West coast all my life and I don’t even know what butt-hurt is. Makes me giggle too.
Post # 6
It can be translated as: hurt & feeling really down, I’ll change it so people don’t get confused Maybe it’s a Cali/bay area term hehe =p
Post # 7
Ok. I’m from San Francisco and I still have never heard it. Actually, brings up rather painful images. But anyhoo.
BM’s hate being told what to do. You have to phrase it as though they have a choice when they really don’t. Make them feel like they have more control. I do not rec sending her any sort of emails that outline her duties. Have another BM, or your MOH talk to her and feel out how involved she wants to be. I’ve been in many weddings and have been involved in many different ways. See what she says BEFORE you lay it on her that YOU feel as though she’s screwed up.
Post # 8
Kittyachi – I’m also confused about butt-hurt! I’ve never heard that before!
My thought is to have your discussion with her, but don’t be too harsh. I realize that you’re having your church wedding next month, but while the wedding is all consuming to you, it isn’t for others. I was recently in a wedding where they changed the date of the bachelorette party, and I couldn’t go b/c I already had tickets to a Phillies game. The bride wanted me to keep my tickets, b/c it is just a bachelorette party after all, and not the wedding. All of my bridesmaids couldn’t make my bachelorette party, and I didn’t even ask a few of them why not. Some just said they already had plans…
So, my thought is, though I understand why you’re hurt, your friend might not. The best way to resolve is to have the discussion with her. If she disagrees, then just agree to disagree and let it go. You don’t want to ruin a friendship over her not attending your B-party.
Post # 9
I think you should let her know how you feel. If you asked her to be your bridesmaid, I’m assuming she’s a good friend of yours, and you should be able to talk to your good friends about your emotions. Maybe she didn’t know what your expectations were…some girls are completely clueless about these things. You should let her know that you’re very sensitive to everything now, and that you’ll really need her support through the very end!
After I asked my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids, I organized a lunch so that we could discuss what my expectations for them were. I also gave them each a "bridesmaids guide book" in case they ran into any confusions. I obviously don’t expect them to follow the guide completely, but it gives them an idea of what the bridesmaids tasks are.
Post # 10
You bees are right… It’s probably not as big of a deal and I’m just being sensitive. I only thought of the e-mail idea cause one of our other girlfriends is in a wedding and she keeps her ‘how to be a bridesmaid’ book with her and I thought maybe that would help others who weren’t as aware. I guess I just thought it wierd cause of the way our friendship is and how often we usually talk and gush about details of the nights we go out. I’m not usually this sensitive, it’s so crazy how being engaged does this to me!
Post # 11
Butt hurt is a term my frat-ish little brother uses all of the time. It kills me! Whenever I get my feelings hurt he’s like, "There goes Jess gettin’ all butt hurt again!"
It’s kind of…um…graphic. Right?
We’re from Arkansas and I hear it all of the time here…
Post # 12
Miss Sapphire – I liked the – BM’s hate being told what to do. You have to phrase it as though they have a choice when they really don’t. Make them feel like they have more control.
I wish I knew how to do quotation marks on this board but I don’t. Anyway, I just realized that advice works just as well with small children…
Post # 13
i think speaking to her in person is the best way to go. maybe she just needs a wake up call that this matters to you. the first time i was a bridesmaid i bought a how to be a bridesmaid book. maybe you could give her one as a gift and see if she gets the hint.
Post # 14
I am somewhat in the same situation. I just had my bachlorette, and it was fabulous. But one of my BM was a buzzkill the whole night. She kept saying she was tired, she didn’t even bring enough money to get into the club, so my sister had to spot her. And then she complained on how much the club cost. Yet it never even occured to her that it would be a nice though to offer to buy me a drink. My sister and my other bridesmaids along with some friends all stepped up to the plate, and went all out! We had a pre-party limo, and went to the Falls. I was just a little disspointed that my one friend was a bit of a downer.
I also didn’t realize that a lot of people are not sure what to do when they are in a wedding party. Everyone is eager to help when you first get engaged but when everything starts happening I felt that one or two of my BM were needing some Q’s. Luckily my sister is very outspoken and helped the two know what their duties were. Maybe you should ask one of your closer friends to talk to the other BM to make sure they are all on the same page when it comes to planning things for you.