(Closed) Uninvolved Bridesmaids

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

OK first of all, I need to ask this question: is "butt-hurt" a term people use on the West Coast or something? And what does it mean? Because maybe I’m five years old but I giggled when I read that. The first time I thought it was a typo…

OK, on to your real question. If you are going to say something, don’t do it via email. It should be an actual face to face (if possible) convo or at least on the phone. I think email makes it slightly impersonal and if the whole point of you talking to her is that you feel a bit hurt she didn’t come, then you yourself should make it as personal as possible.

And if there are things that you would like your BMs to be doing that they aren’t, you need to make that clear to them in a nice way. As a BM, I wouldn’t appreciate being handed a book outlining things I’m supposed to do. Again, I would keep it personal and actually ask your BMs if they can help with X, Y, and Z. They probably don’t know that you’d like their help. I’ve been a BM several times – sometimes the bride asks for nothing but the dress, sometimes she wants help with other stuff – but I only knew because the bride communicated with me.

Post # 4
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh wait, nevermind. I just saw you are planning on having dinner with her not emailing her – good call.

Post # 5
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I’ve lived on the West coast all my life and I don’t even know what butt-hurt is.  Makes me giggle too.

Post # 7
Member
1220 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Ok.  I’m from San Francisco and I still have never heard it.  Actually, brings up rather painful images.  But anyhoo.

 

BM’s hate being told what to do.  You have to phrase it as though they have a choice when they really don’t.  Make them feel like they have more control.  I do not rec sending her any sort of emails that outline her duties.  Have another BM, or your MOH talk to her and feel out how involved she wants to be.  I’ve been in many weddings and have been involved in many different ways.  See what she says BEFORE you lay it on her that YOU feel as though she’s screwed up.

Post # 8
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

Kittyachi – I’m also confused about butt-hurt! I’ve never heard that before!

My thought is to have your discussion with her, but don’t be too harsh. I realize that you’re having your church wedding next month, but while the wedding is all consuming to you, it isn’t for others. I was recently in a wedding where they changed the date of the bachelorette party, and I couldn’t go b/c I already had tickets to a Phillies game. The bride wanted me to keep my tickets, b/c it is just a bachelorette party after all, and not the wedding. All of my bridesmaids couldn’t make my bachelorette party, and I didn’t even ask a few of them why not. Some just said they already had plans…

So, my thought is, though I understand why you’re hurt, your friend might not. The best way to resolve is to have the discussion with her. If she disagrees, then just agree to disagree and let it go. You don’t want to ruin a friendship over her not attending your B-party.

Post # 9
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think you should let her know how you feel. If you asked her to be your bridesmaid, I’m assuming she’s a good friend of yours, and you should be able to talk to your good friends about your emotions. Maybe she didn’t know what your expectations were…some girls are completely clueless about these things. You should let her know that you’re very sensitive to everything now, and that you’ll really need her support through the very end!

After I asked my bridesmaids to be my bridesmaids, I organized a lunch so that we could discuss what my expectations for them were. I also gave them each a "bridesmaids guide book" in case they ran into any confusions. I obviously don’t expect them to follow the guide completely, but it gives them an idea of what the bridesmaids tasks are.

 Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Butt hurt is a term my frat-ish little brother uses all of the time. It kills me! Whenever I get my feelings hurt he’s like, "There goes Jess gettin’ all butt hurt again!"

It’s kind of…um…graphic. Right?

We’re from Arkansas and I hear it all of the time here…

Post # 12
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Miss Sapphire – I liked the – BM’s hate being told what to do.  You have to phrase it as though they have a choice when they really don’t.  Make them feel like they have more control.

I wish I knew how to do quotation marks on this board but I don’t. Anyway, I just realized that advice works just as well with small children…

Post # 13
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

i think speaking to her in person is the best way to go.  maybe she just needs a wake up call that this matters to you.  the first time i was a bridesmaid i bought a how to be a bridesmaid book.  maybe you could give her one as a gift and see if she gets the hint.

Post # 14
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I am somewhat in the same situation. I just had my bachlorette, and it was fabulous. But one of my BM was a buzzkill the whole night. She kept saying she was tired, she didn’t even bring enough money to get into the club, so my sister had to spot her. And then she complained on how much the club cost. Yet it never even occured to her that it would be a nice though to offer to buy me a drink. My sister and my other bridesmaids along with some friends all stepped up to the plate, and went all out! We had a pre-party limo, and went to the Falls. I was just a little disspointed that my one friend was a bit of a downer.

I also didn’t realize that a lot of people are not sure what to do when they are in a wedding party. Everyone is eager to help when you first get engaged but when everything starts happening I felt that one or two of my BM were needing some Q’s. Luckily my sister is very outspoken and helped the two know what their duties were. Maybe you should ask one of your closer friends to talk to the other BM to make sure they are all on the same page when it comes to planning things for you.

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