Uninvolved/Estranged Dad

posted 5 days ago in Family
Post # 4
1027 posts
Bumble bee

milkeyedmender :  yes I speak from experience that’s why I say this. My parents are still married but there were many years in my childhood we all thought it best for them to divorce. I’ve threatened to cut my dad off if he continues certain mean behavior multiple times over my adult life. Everything will be fine, until it is not. He doesn’t call me, I don’t call him. Nearly no communication unless I visit my parents home. But I talk to my mom 3-5 times a week for 45+ minutes.  It’s a strange life we live. I have my own father issues and I have worked through a lot of them through the help of a therapist. 

Post # 5
1862 posts
Buzzing bee

Stop trying to involve him in your life. He’s not worth all this trouble.

Trying and trying and trying to get his attention causes damage. Don’t invite him to the wedding, stop all contact, and consider him a sperm donor. That might sound hard, but it will be a relief when you do it.

You’re past him. He serves no purpose.

Post # 7
1027 posts
Bumble bee

Wedding isn’t until July! So far I know he wants to walk me down the isle and it is so weird for me because I feel like it’s a farce. But I also can’t take that moment away from him because deep down we love each other, even if we can’t stand each other sometimes. So I decided to have both my parents walk me, which is Jewish tradition anyway so it works. I don’t plan on doing a father daughter dance but it also kills me inside because I remember dancing with him as a girl on his feet and the moment is just so sweet that I could maybe look past everything and pretend we are always this nice to each other… I have to just accept that I cannot change my father to treat me nicely or call me to check in or not snap at me if I give him advice. So I lower my expectations of his involvement in my life and am happy with what I get. 

Post # 10
4302 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My dad is very checked out.  I can’t make him want a relationship. If your dad has the opportunity and still chooses to be absent and dismissive , well you have your answer. Some people are just not capable of being the parents we hope for. I think some counselling would be great too. It stings like hell when I see him doting on his wives kids and such. He’s clearly capable of doing the father thing. I invest my emotions in relationships that are less hurtful. 

Post # 11
1027 posts
Bumble bee

milkeyedmender :  he will visit with my mom sometimes, or she flys in on her own. We live a six hour drive away. He ‘likes’ my posts on Facebook and says ‘hi sweetheart’ on there. Again, it just feels so fake to me. I know he means well but it just seems disingenuous. When I feel guilty I call the house to talk to him and I know he had expressed that he would call but feels like he is interrupting me when he does. There’s just nothing to talk about. I feel bad but I know that if my mom passed first he and I wouldn’t have much of a relationship either… and yes, that does make me sad.

July 29th, on our nine year anniversary!

Post # 15
5 posts

Similar problem here. My dad is a legitimately bad guy though. Cheated on my mom throughout their whole marriage, was occasionally violent, had basically no interest in being a dad when I was young and especially not now. I was the only person in my family who kept giving him chances and who kept justifying his bad behavior (type one diabetes that ruined his Navy aspirations, a drug problem when he was young, a terrible father of his own) but it’s never mattered. There have been times throughout my life where he’s decided to come back in and be nice and act interested but I’ve realized recently it has nothing to do with me or my sibling. He just gets bored or lonely and decides he’s owed a family he’s never worked for. We were in one of those “good” phases when I got engaged to the point where he even threw an engagement party (actually thrown by my SIL but paid for by him). Not even two weeks later I sent him an email saying we had found our venue and asked if he’d like be to involved in the wedding planning at all and he responded with a nasty email saying he’s not in a place to give me money, advice, or his time and would not even come if that helped me. Of course it wouldn’t help me, he just added it in there to be mean. This happened about 6 months ago and he hasn’t spoken to me since save for a lame merry Christmas text. I sent him an email in a group email to my family letting them know which hotel to reserve a room in for the wedding and according to the list we got back from the hotel he never booked a room. I dont know what to do now and I think about it constantly. Not sure if I send him an invite (I sent him a save the date), if I ask if he’s coming, if I tell him he can’t come, etc. My brother didn’t invite him to his wedding and my god did that go over horribly. I’m scared uninviting him will cause him to lash out, which he’s always had a habit of doing, but I also don’t want him there now. It’s messy. Being a bride with father issues REALLY sucks because of the pressures society puts on that whole dynamic when it comes to weddings. There’s nothing we can do but let them be the terrible parents that they are, say “well that’s a shame,” and vow never to treat our kids that way. I’ll be having my brother walk me down the aisle! 

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