(Closed) Unofficial Cohabitation?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think its up to you if you want to just on a flexible basis spend the night. Moving in would mean you would probably have most of your possesions at the house, and consider it you main residence for mail purposes. There are all sorts of inbetweens out there too!

I for religous reasons, abstained form sex, but did move into my husbands house before we were married out of conviencance and financial reasons.

Post # 4
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My boyfriend (now FI) and I used to spend nearly every night together, sometimes at his house and sometimes at mine.  It was actually quite a hassle, especially during the weekdays, but we didn’t want to be apart, so we made it work.  When we were apart, it usually sucked.

I’ve got to say, ever since we got engaged and moved into our house together, things have been amazing and just so lovely.  It is so wonderful to know that we will ALWAYS go to bed together and that we don’t have to deal with the hassles of packing clothes, having 2 of everything, and worrying about the weather for driving (and so on).  It really has been wonderful to finally have our OWN place!

Post # 5
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I did…

I spent the night our first date, then the night after, the night after that, the night after that and so on… in fact I slept over every night since the first night. I would go home, get clothes, go to work, go to his place and repeat until eventually mom was like you don’t live here, give me my key back. (in a nice way). That’s when I started to move more and more things over to his place until he was like you do live here, pay rent!

So it sort of just “happened” and was unofficially official but it’s really hard to say when it did [not] happen.

Post # 6
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

One reason to not move in together, is that once you do, especially before you’re engaged/married and have agreed to “commit to each other for the rest of your life,” is that it’s more difficult to separate once you’ve entangled your lives in the additional ways that living together causes you to.

Post # 7
335 posts
Helper bee

gradually over the last couple of years, boyfriend and i have spent more and more time at each other’s places (he moreso at mine than vice versa). plus, we’re basically neighbors now. we routinely cook for one another and go shopping together, work together at night, etc. there’s been talk of moving in together possibly after graduation. when he first brought it up, i told him i wouldn’t want to unless i was engaged/married. he said he thought it was an important step to take before marriage to see if we get along as roommates; i said it was an important step to take as a part of marriage.

today, i’m a bit more lenient but i’d still at least like the engagement before we do any official moving. with where/how we are now, his argument doesn’t hold up with me since we kind of already know all of each others habits, and i think he’s realized this too.

so i guess unofficial cohabitation for the win..?

Post # 8
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

We did, but like @Mrs.Argentina, we didn’t have sex.

It definitely makes sense money-wise.

At the same time, your wedding is a ways out.  I’m not saying it would happen, but speaking from experience, when you’re living with someone, it’s much harder to consider a break up should something happen.  You may stay with him out of “convenience” when if you were in a different circumstance you would’ve broken up with him.  If that makes sense.

Post # 9
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@soon2bhis: @Eva Peron:  These make me feel glad to hear! I thought I was the only one living with my Fiance while NOT having sex.

Post # 10
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@adnama: Definitely not.  Of course everyone assumes otherwise and doesn’t believe you when you tell them, but…at least you know what’s going on.

Post # 11
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We have spent every night together starting about 2 weeks after we met but we won’t ‘live’ together until we get married. Our parents are so proud! 🙂 we definitely got to know each other’s ‘quirks’ by unofficially living together but it has always been nice to have our own places. I think it will make an easier transition once we get married!

Post # 12
3801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My Fiance and I, when we first met, spent one or two nights together and then eventually I was there every night. A few months after graduation, we realized it would be easier on everyone if we just got our own place. It worked for us.

However, we have a friend that is “unofficially” living with his gf, and they spend the night at family member’s houses during the week together, since neither one of them have their own place and they either spend the night at his parent’s, his aunt’s, or her parent’s houses. At one point, when he stayed with us, they stayed at our place. This was a hassle for everyone, and created some tensions. In their case, if they want to be together that badly, it would really be nice if they stopped imposing on so many family members.

Moral of my story? I think unofficial cohabitation is fine, unless you are bothering others with it!

Post # 13
5011 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@red_rose: That’s a very negative way to look at it. From my point of view, I wouldn’t make a commitment to marry someone I hadn’t lived with. Entanglement or no, I believe in going into things with my eyes open.

We were unofficially living together in our parents’ houses from very early on and house-sat for a relative for three months before our house was ready to be moved into.

Post # 14
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

We started out with spending a night here or there then it was weekend nights together then it progressed to weekday nights. Eventually we were spending more nights together than apart. His stuff began migrating to my house and his laundry was mingling with mine and he would let himself in and out with his own key and at some point we just sort of realized we were living together so he made an official change of address and we’ve shared our happy home since.

Post # 15
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Erin85:  i did this with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for a long time before we moved in together. i grew up in a very conservative christian family and felt guilty for moving in, so i just convinced myself that staying every night was okay. however, after we got engaged we decided that we wanted to move in together.

we told my parents, and they were mortified and angry. we ended up doing it anyways against their will, and they initially got over it.

i think you should do what you think is best for you and your partner.

if you guys are christian, pray about it. what is your gut telling you to do? don’t take it lightly…it’s a big decision!

Post # 16
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

When we started dating, Darling Husband and I were immediately inseparable and spent the night every night. We even had a schedule in order to make it work (lived about 30 minutes apart and made the schedule according to our other activities..)

Everyone told us we should just move in together, that it made more sense, that we’d save money.

But we didn’t want to do that. For us, moving in meant that there would be no moving out. It was really important that we move in only once we were both ready to commit to being together forever because otherwise, if the relationship didn’t work, breaking up is just so much harder to do and you end up wasting your time…

I moved in with him after we got engaged. We never regretted our decision. And, in our case, living together would have delayed the engagement. My Darling Husband is amazing, but he is also a procrastinator and tends to over-analyze things. So for him, if we had lived together, he would have delayed evaluating if ours was a relationship he wanted for life. I had been through that with my ex and promised myself I would never let that happen to me again. Being irritated with our living situation that went on for 18 months prompted serious discussions between us and lead us to make a choice of commitment.

Anyway, all that lengthy post to say that, I think every situation is different; but that even if living together officially seems to “make sense”, it probably does for the short term but not necessarily in the long term. You have to evaluate what is right for you; and really discuss both of your expectations. With my ex, living together “made sense”, but then it lead nowhere because for me it was supposed to lead to the next step, and for him, it was as good as it gets.

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