Post # 1
A good friend of mine just returned home from traveling & a group of us met for dinner. There were 5 couples and there was so much conversation & catching up to do. My best male friend was there with his wife who has recently had a baby so naturally there was lots of baby talk. When the wife asked if my new husband & I were planning I was vague and said sure there’s plenty of time for that we’re just enjoying the newlywed phase. She said she can’t wait for me to me pregnant so she can throw me a baby shower.
As I’m not pregnant & it’s not an issue I should have let it go but I didn’t and told her quite honestly I don’t like the concept of baby showers and wouldn’t enjoy one and didn’t want one but thank you for the offer. She kind of dismissed me in a whole oh you’ll see you’ll want it when your time comes. U know hindsight and all that I should have left it. But I told her I didn’t like my feelings being dismissed I don’t naturally enjoy being the centre of attention, I don’t want people forced into buying me presents & I don’t want a shower. As she pushed it more I snapped & said I’m not gift grabbing I will buy my baby what it needs when the time comes!!
She then started to cry and my friend, her husband obviously asked what was up and she dramatically announced I called her grabby and only looking out for what people would give her. She stood up and demanded they left. It was awkward & embarrassing my friend said asked why I had to be rude to her when she’s hormonal and didn’t let me answer before walking off. Only the one other person involved in the actual conversation knows what was said. The rest sort of swept over it, I didn’t get a chance to clarify my remarks. Plus then when the bill came another friends boyfriend said we could settle their part as I’d chased them away, it was said in a jokey way but obviously they think that.
Im annoyed I got into a row of something that doesn’t matter at the moment
I’m annoyed my words were twisted
im annoyed I wasn’t allowed clarify my remarks.
So so I needed to vent.
I would also like to add here, baby showers are not really a thing in Ireland. They are becoming increasingly popular but it’s not a tradition or people’s natural assumption that when someone’s pregnant they’ll have one.
Post # 2
Honestly it sounds like you owe them a major apology. I know we all sometimes regret saying too much in the moment, but the only way to make the best of this situation is to apologize – not only to the wife, but also to everyone else who was at the dinner for making things so awkward, to the point that the wife burst into tears and a couple had to leave before dinner was over.
Also, saying your words were twisted is a cop out. If she was trying to be nice and offer to throw you a shower someday, it was totally unnecessary to insist that you didn’t need one, and incredibly rude to tell her that you think they’re nothing but a gift grab and that you will buy your kids everything yourself. Pretty much no one would NOT be offended by that.
Post # 3
dublingirl : yeah, you were rude. She was being nice, and having pleasant conversation (although I don’t super love when people ask when you’ll have kids or assume that you will at all, but it doesn’t sound like she was doing anything other than trying to keep the talk flowing), and you literally shut her down to the point she was in tears.
Like you said yourself: you’re not pregnant so this is a non issue, so there is absolutely no reason for you to have been so rude to her. Additionally, you made the evening awkward for everyone else. You can say your words were twisted but you just told us your side, in your own words, and you still came off as being ugly to her.
You need to apologize to everyone there. Not one of the “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” apologies but an actual one. “I’m sorry that I was rude the other night. My remarks were uncalled for and not only was I especially rude to Girl, but I made the rest of the evening awkward for everyone. I’m sorry guys.”
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2017 - Earth
Eh, I’d apologize to her directly if you really value the friendship but honestly I think she was just as rude for initially dismissing your feelings as you were for implying she was gift grabby. She could have left it alone when you stated your feelings, which you’re entitled to, and graciously declined the offer. Its almost like when people insist to CFBC ladies that they will change their minds one day, super annoying. Plus I’m a little like you. A person has maybe three times to try my patience then polite flys out the window.
Post # 5
I agree with PP. You jumped down the poor woman’s throat! You’re not yet pregnant anyway, so none of this is relevant currently. She sounded like she was being sweet. She clearly likes baby showers, which she is allowed to do. When you said you did not really want one, you could have left it alone after that. You ruined that evening for no legitimate reason. Just because something is not normally what is done, it does not make it wrong. You should apologize to both of them, assuming they are willing to talk to you, or leave them be altogether if you do not want to stay friends with them. On a side note, a baby shower is not gift grabby because (in the US), you don’t plan your own shower. Others plan the event for you, so they control who is or is not invited, etc. Also, gift are always an option not a requirement. No one is going to rip your purse from your hands and snatch out money when you walk through the door.
Post # 6
Ouch, that was awkward! I think you know you owe her an apology. Part of adulting is knowing the right time/place to find your hill to die on. In the middle of a dinner, with 10 other people, with a brand new mom is absolutely NOT the place to draw that line in the sand so dramatically.
If/when you ever did get pregnant and she approached you about it privately then sure, by all means express your discomfort with it. But, I don’t think your words were twisted. I think you meant what you said and she took offense to it because… why wouldn’t she?!
Lesson learned— know your audience. Take social ques.
Post # 7
Wowza, I agree- it sounds like you were in the wrong.
I am in the UK, I have no desire to have a baby shower when I have a baby but I wouldn’t jump down someones throat about it when it wasn’t even an issue yet.
Post # 8
Was she overly sensitive? Probably. But she clearly doesn’t share the same opinion about showers as you and thought she was offering something nice. And then to judge them so harshly when clearly she just voiced her opinion in favor of them could easily be taken personally. You may not have specifically said you thought she specifically is gift grabby, but it is not that long of a leap and I don’t think your words were as twisted as you seem to think they were.
Apologize to her and the group for making things awkward. I don’t think walking on eggshells because she is hormonal is valid, but you clearly didn’t need to take your indignant anti- shower stance as far as you did for a completely hypothetical party for a currently fictional baby that may never actually materialize depending on your luck in the fertility game. A simple “thanks, but no thanks – I don’t enjoy being the center of attention” would have sufficed. And if she pushed you could have just said “you know, it’s possible I will once I’m actually in the position, but for now I’m not in favor of them – thanks anyway.” There are ways to shut down a conversation or ask people to respect your view point without completely denigrating their viewpoint in the process and you completely missed the mark there. So even if she did misconstrue what you said, you took it to a place it didn’t need to go in the first place.
Post # 9
I feel like you are at fault here. You could’ve just nodded and moved along instead of making it a big deal. If you were ACTUALLY pregnant, then I could see having a discussion about it. I would apologize.
Post # 10
I could understand you being so firm with her if you were currently pregnant and she was insisting on throwing you a shower at the break of dawn tomorrow, but in this context it was completely unnecessary. You didn’t need to shut her down so harshly when it seems she was only trying to be nice, much less insult her. You definitely owe her and everyone else at the dinner a major apology. On the plus side, I’m sure no one in that group will ever consider throwing you a shower for anything again.
Post # 11
I cannot understand why you would have gotten so worked up over someone casually suggesting throwing you a hypothetical baby shower for your not yet even conceived or attempted to be conceived baby. Do you have other issues with this woman, because this seems like such an extreme reaction to a harmless–friendly even–comment. It’s not like you are actually pregnant and this woman is insisting on throwing you a shower against your will. It’s just chit chat.
And for you to say it’s gift grabby, when presumably this woman is having a shower herself, is beyond the pale rude. Just why? Definitely agree you owe them an apology.
Post # 12
I think both of you were a bit rude. She should not have pushed what is a personal boundry of yours and you snapped more then you should have.
I would mearly say “I’m sorry you were upset by my words. I was much harsher then I should have been. I do not enjoy showers, and do not want one. But to not look down on those that choose to have them” that last bit might be a lie, but it’s a better back peddle then saying I’m wrong in how I feel.
For the record, I hate going to babyshowers. I hate when you have to sit through people opening gifts, talking about babies, the stupid games. They all annoy me.
Post # 13
Sorry bee, I feel like you were in the wrong here. Your friend probably just brought it up to be nice, and what does it matter anyway when you’re not expecting. I think the best response to her would have been “haha we’ll see…” or something along those lines. Maybe even no response at all, it wasn’t a heavy statement. I feel bad for your friend 🙁
Post # 14
I just don’t understand why this was reason for argument anyways…
Post # 15
I’m going to give the wife a pass here for getting upset because she just had a baby a few months ago. Your hormones are all over the place so I’m not surprised that she burst into tears.
You were unnecessarily rude and sanctimonious about your hypothetical baby shower for a baby you aren’t even trying to conceive yet. I honestly think you embarrassed yourself, not the other way around.
You owe her an apology for sure.