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I have found that to be the case as well. I think it's because they want to 'warn' future couples.... I actually find the 'marriage is hard' discussions quite humorous. It's like they assume I've NEVER heard that before. ;)
I dunno, really...everyone says it's so hard, etc, but I feel like if you're with the right person, it really *shouldn't* be that hard. I guess it depends what your definition of hard is. What is hard to others is not always hard to me. Lots of people couldn't do what I do, yet I do it with ease now. Sooooo I dunno. Maybe in 10 years we will understand and see where the cynicism of it all comes from after we have a few anniversaries under my belt. I don't want to say something naively stupid =]
My husband and I got so much "advice" during our engagement. Ugh. I'm pretty sure the majority is just a right-of-passage so to speak. I'm positivie most of the negative comments and jokes were said to them, and they passed it on to us. Try not to let it bother you too much; it completely stopped after the wedding. Really, if marriage is so bad, most of the people giving you advice wouldn't still be married (or wouldn't have gotten re-married 3, 4, or 5 times!). I'll share some of my favorites, just because they're hilarious. :)
"It's not a marriage certificate; it's a hate license."
"The Penny Theory: For every time you have sex when you are dating and engaged, put a penny in a jar. For every time you have sex after you are married, take a penny out of that jar. Without a doubt you'll die with a jar full of pennies."
"The groom's job on the wedding day is to show up. My job on the wedding day is to be waiting outside the church with a running car."
In response to the statement that my husband and I did all of our wedding planning together: "Why are you forcing him to plan his own funeral? You are one cold-hearted B*$%^."
Yeah, why are guys so mean to other guys about getting married? My FI comes home everyday from work with a new divorce story and statistics on how expensive it is to get divorced!
It's interesting how people do that - gravitate towards their own negative experiences. "you're gonna get married A-GAIN?" was my favorite.
Ok people this is #2 in my 30 year life - not #25 and it's not like i'm 19 this time. i'm not marrying the same jerk - this is a D-i-f-f-e-r-e-n-t guy.
I really feel sorry for people who think like that. You have to wonder what would actually make them happy?!
I remember what my dad said when we told him we were engaged. He said that it's not always easy, but it's a good way to live. Essentially, that to be coupled allows you to have a shared history with someone. I really like that.
My girlfriend, who's been married for 10 years now (happily), keeps telling me to forget about the wedding, take an awesome honeymoon, and enjoy the marriage. :)
I guess I'm lucky - no one has really made negative comments.
Yeah Cheerful, I get divorce statistics a lot. I never know how to respond to people who spout them out like "Gee, guess things will be a lot harder than I thought.. thanks.."
We seriously got so many comments, we considered writing a book called "Stupid Wedding Advice." I can't even remember all the crap people said to us. :)
One of my girlfriends is getting married next summer. We went on a couples date a week or two ago and talked wedding while the guys played the Wii. She said that all of her married friends tell her how hard marriage is and what a difficult time they've had. I felt so bad for her! Marriage isn't all disagreements and power struggles and giving up sex and freedom. I mean, sure you get some of the negative things, too, but I think sometimes people concentrate too much on all the negativity. There's a big difference from entering a marriage with your eyes open and entering a marriage scared out of your mind by all of the "impossible" challenges that lie ahead. Marriage is hard work, but worth the effort, imo.
Don't worry, moderndaisy, things get better. Just know that those negative people are talking about their own marriages, not yours. :)
I think it depends on who your crowd is. The couples I hang out with are generally christian and usually say positive things. But they do warn us of the struggles they've been through in their marriage, but most add to that how wonderful it is to have your best friend by your side no matter what.
This is a priceless one - so a couple of weeks ago a few of my friends from out of town came in to visit. The night before we had all had some margaritas and my friend (who is a lawyer) asked if I was getting a prenup. I said no, I don't think it's necessary in our situation - neither of us has any real assets to speak of and I just generally don't want/need one. So I go home and meet them for brunch the next day before they leave. She pulls me outside after we are done with brunch and goes "I know you were drunk last night [I wasn't, btw] but something you said really bothered me." "What?" I say. She proceeds to go off about how by saying I don't want a prenup I'm being naive and how she knows that "right now everything is wonderful and you are blinded by love" but that I shouldn't be stupid. Basically she implied that I'm not thinking clearly or capable of making my own decisions regarding my life and my FI and our future. THEN she's all "if you decide at any point you don't want to marry him I totally support you [she has never met him and has only heard good things from my other friends]" and then goes off about how hard and awful marriage is and how most marriages end in divorce. By the end I like wanted to punch her in the face.
Background: she just came out of an 8-year long doomed to fail relationship with a jerk, she is a child of divorce and both her parents are psycho, she has always had men issues. So, yeah, I sat there and listened to her and smiled and nodded, but inside I just pity her to be honest. She's going to have a sad, lonely life. Of course this is only after the fact that I can say I feel sorry for her. At the time I legit wanted to strangle her on a NY street corner. Way to be a total downer!
Edit: I subsequently cut her plus one from the guest list. You reap what you sow...
Honestly, I think it's because A LOT of married couples are insanely unhappy.
Why else would they warn you rather than bless you?
I've gotten "some" from people who don't know us very well. But people who do know us well, have not.
People have unhappy marriages. People have affairs. People divorce. *shrugs* Just learn from their mistakes and move on. I've seen my parents stay true to each other in spite of heavy debt, miscarriage, and mental illness, and seen other couples, who legitimately don't have major issues to deal with outside of themselves, tear each other apart until... "marriage is an awful institution! Don't put yourself through so much pain and suffering! S/He's so awful! I'm a bitter old person! Blah de blah blah blah!"
It's sad and subjective and damaging rhetoric.
That's why every bee should make sure their marriage is a good one. The Hive shall overcome this anti-marriage propaganda!
yes my aunt was giving unsolicited advice, not even my mom would do that, I found it annoying coz she's not my mom
we just didnt discuss our engagement or wedding to people so no one gave us advise although my hubby does have a habbit of saying to recently engaged men "congratulations, you cant stay single and happy forever!"... hmmmmmm
I do think it's weird when people give you negative "advice" about wedding. Shortly after we got married, one of my husband's coworkers spent 20 minutes lecturing him for getting married. Apparently, the dude was going through a divorce so he was warning my husband about how getting married was the worst choice he ever made. Uh, thanks, dude...NOT.
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I generally don't mind getting marriage advice from people, even when I don't ask for it, but I've found that almost everyone talks about how hard marriage is and most people have only negative things to say about the institution of marriage.
Why is this? Is it because only unhappily married people want to talk/complain about marriage? Why do people think it's okay to 'warn' an engaged person or couple about the 'mistake' they're about to make in a direct or indirect fashion?
What have you all been getting as far as marriage advice? Am I just in a very cynical city?