(Closed) unsupportive mother?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Yes! It hurts me every day. When I mention the wedding to her, she gets upset and says she’s tired of hearing about it, or acts like I’m the bad guy for wanting her to be happy with me. One of her favorite sayings is “I won’t blow smoke up your a**,” and that especially applies here. She says she just doesn’t get excited about these things. 

From the beginning, she’s said her disinterest is because she doesn’t want to sway me or to influence me too much because she didn’t get the kind of wedding she wanted because of her FMIL. When I try to tell her she’s actually gone too far to the other extreme, she just gets mad.

We actually had a fight today because she has been very vocal about not wanting to attend the shower my sorority sisters are throwing for me this coming weekend. Every time I tell her she doesn’t have to come, she says “no, no, I want to be there,” but then says things like “I dread the drive,” “I’m not looking forward to this weekend at all,” “I don’t even know how I’m going to get there,” “I’m just dreaaaading this weekend” every time it gets brought up. 

I think it’s just something we’ll have to deal with, unfortunately. Cherish your FMIL! It’s great that she’s being so supportive. 

ETA: I’ve been trying to include her the best that I know how, trying not to take her disinterest too personally, and venting a lot to FI! My mom is just very plain in her words and very adamant about her opinions. What do you think is causing your mom’s disinterest and how can you accommodate her feelings?

Post # 4
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’ve been there/still am there. 

Fortunately, in my case, my mom came around a little bit… but I still wouldn’t say that she’s been super happy about it. I have had numerous discussions with her, and I’ve realized that it comes from kind of just not knowing what to say, and feeling sad about “losing me”. I’m sure you, like me, had similar let-down type experiences with prom, or graduations etc. 

In my case, just trying to see it from her perspective has helped me to not really take it as a personal thing. She’s just not that girly-girly and into weddings, and I have to be okay with that. 

Is there an aunt or something that can take over for her? One of my aunts has stepped in and it has made everything much less painful. It’s never going to be my mom, but it’s … better. 

PM if you want to talk 🙂 

xx

Post # 5
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@JeanieRae: I wouldnt tell your mother anything about your wedding at this point and it sounds like you are bending over backward to please her. Honey its your wedding day. Ask your FMIL for advice, a friend, an aunt… your moms just bringing you down. Enjoy this time.

Post # 6
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@JeanieRae:  Same here

@MissAnchor:  Yes…me too

I know this is an older thread, but I’ve been searching for this topic for some support and thoughts… My mom is exactly this way, always has been. I’ve been watching/hearing about it all year as my brother planned his wedding…so at least now I’m somewhat less delusional about what to expect from her for mine. Cry

I’m trying not to get depressed about it and start planning in my head how I’m going to do this whole thing as if I had no mom. But I know you all know this…knowing she’s there refusing to be there for you feels much worse because you can’t even imagine it might be different. I don’t know whether I should even tell her about pre-wedding parties I want to have with friends because she’s already been so vocally Anti… Not sure whether it’s worse to invite here and let her complain all the way there, or just send her an invite to the wedding and leave it at that.  If anyone has any advise in retrospect, would love to know. 

 

Post # 7
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@SoCalBelle:  I am so sorry!  I know this is old, but my mother was very rude about it all.

I actually think my mom is jealous that I am happy.  She rarely says or expresses, “I am so happy for you!”  When she tries, it’s so fake and forced.

One day while sharing my plans with mom my over the phone (she is just a guest, she’s not paying), she said really snotty, “Why are you even excited about a wedding?  You already live together.”  Um, we just moved in after we got engaged!  Bascally she thinks marriage is just a death trap and doesn’t have a clue why anyone would get married intentionally!  Literally, she cannot fathom it.

I vowed NEVER to say any wedding stuff to her ever again.  I didn’t even tell her when I got a dress, got the venue, etc.  She never asked me anything about the wedding.  She knew I had a wedding website.  Yes, I will say she’s dealing with my father who has cancer, but I was well aware of her views on marriage before dad was even diagnosed 5 years ago.

With my first marriage, I wanted to have a party for my family since we had eloped.  I told her with 6 months in advance, we are having a party.  She repilies with “Gee, I don’t know what we’re doing then.”  WTF?  You save up $50 a month and you buy a plane ticket to see your daugther!  Why is it so hard for her? 

So we cancelled the wedding (back to present day) and I was hesitant about telling her our new elopement/honeymoon plans.  But being excited, I opened up a *little.*  So in the the middle of it she cuts me off mid sentence and says, “OK whatever, I’m at home now I have to go.”  (Cell phones don’t work inside their house for some reason.)  It was so flipping rude.  I call her back on the house phone and asked why did she cut me off, I was telling her about our new idea!  She’s like “What?  I had to go inside.”  I have to teach her how to say things nicely without hurting others, because she is so uncapable of it.  I suggested this, “Oh that sounds lovely dear, let me call you back on the house phone, I’m starting to head inside.  I can’t wait to hear more!”  That’s what I want her to say.  She is clueless.  UUUUUGGGGHHH.

Plan the wedding without any of her help or input.  It’s for the best.

 

Summary:

1. don’t share anything if it leads to hurt or negativity. 

2. just send her an invite to the wedding and leave it at that

3. plan the wedding without any of her help or input.  It’s for the best.

Post # 8
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@sienna76:  Thank you for your response – knowing that you feel that way looking back helps me stay strong against my self-doubt on the issue. I’m always vowing to myself that I won’t call my mom whenever I have good news about things because she always reacts so bitterly and I’m always devastated. Recently when I called my fiance to tell him the good news that I got a job, the first thing he said was, “promise me you won’t call your mother about this…at least not today.” Oh also, my mom does that same thing on the phone too! Actually I usually have to call her 3 times or so just to get her to answer the phone… and if I don’t leave a message asking her to return my call, she won’t. She doesn’t reply to emails or texts either, or when I’ve sent cards or gifts…I only know she got them when I talk to my dad. 

I’m debating whether to ask her upfront respectfully what she would like to be involved with if anything so she has the opportunity to elect in to something or nothing… Or whether to just keep it to myself. I’m not sure what is “owed” to one’s parents… 

Post # 9
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@SoCalBelle:  Oh my, I am so sorry.  Your sweet FI is trying to protect you too from the hurt.  What a nice guy.

I think that shows that she’s really a source of negativity if your FI pointed out not to call her that day.

Well, I guess you could give her the option to see if she wants to be a part.  I don’t know her but could she be mad about not being asked thus far?  Or you already know this was all her regular ways before the wedding?

I think if we change our expectations of what we want our mothers to do/say (yes, lower our expectations) we won’t be as hurt so often. 

I think my relationships with my mom will always be “strained” sadly.  We all (my sisters and I) convinced her to start therapy because her behaviors are affecting all of our relationships with her.

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