Post # 1
I’m sure I’m not the only one out there, but I am just so frustrated, I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’ve been engaged for a year now, my fiance and I have been together for five and a half years, and I feel like my mother has never been supportive, and may never be. I think that most of it stems from the fact that I live very far away and she blames my fiance for that even though I love where I live and I honestly would be here regardless of whether he and I were getting married.
I’ve never been super girly when it comes to things like weddings, all I really want is to have a nice intimate occassion with our family and friends so that we can celebrate this committment that we are making with each other. But it is a little bittersweet b/c I don’t really feel like my mom is (or will be) happy for me.
I feel like I can accept that I can’t change her mind, and no matter what we try to do to give her a chance to get to know my fiance, things always go poorly. And the sad part is he is genuinely a great guy and I think if she would give him a chance she would see that I am with someone who is going to be a great husband and father.
On the one hand I feel like I don’t want to have a wedding where I am going to see her disappointment b/c it’s just going to ruin it for me. On the other hand, there are so many people in our lives that are supportive of us, I feel like it would be a shame to not share such a joyous occassion with them because of her.
It’s particularly upsetting b/c otherwise, I don’t feel like my mother is a particularly unreasonable person and I love her very much. I just wish that she could share in this event b/c it is a new and exciting step in my life and I wish that she was happy for me.
Post # 3
That is so hard not to have the support of family. I know I would have a really hard time if I didn’t have mine. Do you know WHY she’s not supportive? Is it your fiance in particular? Is it just because you live far away and she’s been hoping you’ll move back? Does she think you’re not ready to get married? The reason why she’s not behind you on this would definitely affect what I would do in your situation.
Post # 4
I think you will regret it if you don’t have a wedding for the reason you stated of sharing your day with your supportive friends!
I am sorry that your mom isn’t being supportive that is hard! Spend time with the people who love you both and share your joy!
Post # 5
I’m in a similar situation…fiances parents atlhough married for 25 years, aren’t happy at all and really they’re only married still because of money. So when they found out about us being engaged/planning a wedding there really was zero excitement. They think because they screwed up their marriage that marriage is bad for everyone. Then we have my sister who says she’s happy for me but I think deep down inside she’s slightly jealous and won’t even save to come out to CA for a wedding…our only real support system come from our friends who are beyond excited…
So we talked it over with our close friends and asked how they would feel if we eloped and all of them said OH MY GOSH do it, let us take you to dinner when you get back etc. Knowing that they would be excited either way and how our family members could care less…we’re choosing to elope in Maui. I had to really think though, would I regret not having a wedding with everyone in attendance? Then I thought…what if we did have a wedding and I regretted THAT…and I think with our families, they’d turn the day into shit…so I was fine with not having our friends there.
Does that make sense? For me my main concern was the fiance and I being totally happy and stress free the day of…and that means not having anyone there with us 🙂
Post # 6
Your mom probably DOES love you and is just acting out b/c she’s afraid of losing you in her life.
And some moms (and dads) may not be so thrilled about the whole situation because they are used to you being there! I’m a mom and would feel like my heart was ripped out if my son were to move to the other side of the country!
I say have your wedding. Or elope. Just do what you want to do in your heart. In the meantime, write mom a heartfelt letter or hop a plane or drive to her. reassure her that YOU love her! Maybe that’s what she is waiting for.
I wish you both healing and love!
Post # 7
From someone who did decide to elope: elope if it becomes impossible to have a happy wedding day with your guest list. That said, you mention how you want to celebrate *with* your friends and family and that you do have people who are supportive. I think your mother will eventually come around enough to behave on your wedding day and really, that’s all you can ask for. If it seems tenable, it probably is. Most of us go through the ‘oh god, let’s elope’ stage. If it doesn’t end and the wedding gets worse, elope and do so happily.
Post # 8
If your dream is to have a nice wedding then do it. God love them but some times moms can be a pain in the rear. Do what you will be happy with just don’t do it because of your mom. I understand that you love your mom and all you want is her support and acceptence. But sometimes we have to accept the fact that are moms are never going to think anyone is good for us and some times they get scared that this boy is going to take there girl away from them. Try to talk to her about it. If she acts the same way them she not going to change her mind just love her accept her decision and move on with your wedding.
Post # 9
I would try to talk to her. Let her know what you need her support in the wedding – on an emotional level (not money). Let her know that her opinions do matter. Sometimes moms just need to hear that.
Post # 10
Don’t elope, unless you want too. I eloped because my mother didn’t seem very excited about my wedding and I regret it. I should have just gone ahead and done it the way I wanted to and I would have been just fine. She would have come around, I know that now. My husband and I are now planning to renew our vows 7 years after we were married. :
Post # 11
My roommate is in the same situtation as you. Her mother didn’t approve of her career choice and therefore nothing my roomie does will ever be right. Her FI is a great guy and has a great family. My roomie has two sisters that she loves and wants to be apart of her wedding. And then there’s me. I think of her as a sister. So I told her forget about her mom do what makes her and the FI happy. Plan the wedding they want. Invite her parents and if they come they come if not, it is their lose. You do want to be surrounded by his family and yours. I’m sure she’ll come and if she asks all moody the guests will just look poorly on her not you. Who knows she may act totally different when she sees you in your wedding gown.
Good luck and follow what you want to do.