Post # 1
I have a dilemma but I cant go too much into detail for privacy. My brother somewhat recently divorced his spouse of many years. He is now dating a horrible person. She alienates him from the family and treats everybody like garbage. She has caused problems with every single person in the family and has even become physically violent. I love my brother dearly but no longer reach out to him because of her. He reaches out to me a couple of times a year but very rarely. I’m starting to send out invites for the wedding but I don’t know if I should send one to him. They are living together so etiquette dictates they both get an invite, but I don’t even know if I want to invite him. If I don’t invite him, I’ll be the asshole who didn’t invite her brother and cut him off from the family. If I invite only him, I run the risk of her showing up anyway (and she causes problems at every event). If I invite both of them, she will make me and everybody else at the wedding miserable and/or uncomfortable and cause problems (she always does). Its a small wedding. What would you do?
Post # 2
badsis : I’m sorry that you’re going through this! I’m having a small wedding as well and I made the conscious decision to not invite somebody so as to have a drama free day. Nearly everybody in this forum disagrees with this, and I expect them to disagree with you too. The general consensus will most likely be that you should invite your brother and his girlfriend, regardless of her behavior. But, at the end of the day, do what’s best for you. Call your brother to explain the situation and see if something can be worked out. If it can’t be worked out, do what you need to do despite the backlash. Good luck, bee! xoxo
Post # 3
I think you need to reach out to your brother and discuss this with him. Normally, I’d say just invite and tolerate her for a day. But if she’s physically violent and prone to rage I just wouldn’t risk it. I would invite just him, but speak with him first.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
Sucky situation. I would have said invite both and try to enjoy your day the best you can despite her presence if not for the violent behavior. You have to draw the line somewhere and I think excluding someone who has a tendency to be physically violent is completely understandable. If you feel comfortable talking to your brother about it then communicate your concerns but since you aren’t close I’m not sure if that would help or hurt the situation.
Post # 5
Talk to your brother and express your concerns before you make a decision.
Post # 6
Call before you send the invite without her name. If you don’t talk about it with him first, you will burn a bridge.
Post # 7
Shiiiiiiit. The point of etiquette is to smooth the way for interactions with others and to offer GUIDELINES for good behavior. Not absolute brick wall rules. I would contact your brother directly and let him know you want him at your wedding but his girlfriend is NOT invited. Period. This is not a discussion or a conversation, so no one should be reaching out to you with opinions or suggestions. He is invited to attend ALONE. If he cannot do that, he will be missed. If his girlfriend shows up she will be escorted out.
Post # 8
Invite him, tell her to stay home and sulk 😉
Post # 9
badsis : so sorry you have to deal w this. I am estranged from my brother too. Married a woman rotted to the core. It doesn’t sound like your brother would care if you didn’t invite them bc he doesn’t reach out to you that often. It’s your special day you know the witch will show up if your brother gets an invite so play it safe and avoid the situation
Post # 10
I don’t think you should invite him or her.
You said she has been violent in the past and that she starts trouble at every event; this means you have to think about the safety and comfort of your other guests — you have to put them first.
Your brother’s girlfriend is a liability, which makes him a liability, so don’t invite him. It sounds wrong, but he made his choice and he has to live with it. If that means he can’t come to his sister’s wedding, so be it.
Everyone else shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable and on high alert just so he doesn’t have to deal with the reality that he’s in a relationship with a dramatic, violent, troublemaking woman, if what you say is true.
Post # 11
Absolutely do not invite a violent misery to your wedding! Lord woman this is YOUR wedding, YOUR day, not something you should extend to someone who clearly does not care for you.
But, call your brother first. Tell him you want him there, but she cannot come, and the invitation will be extended to you alone. Tell him to give it some thought, but warn that if she shows up with him, she will be kicked out.
Post # 12
That’s sad. It’s definitely not a nice position to be in. PPs are right- I think speaking with him is a good option, and making it clear that he will be invited solo. At least that way he has an option. I’d also let him know that you won’t be offended if he declines and that you understand it’s a difficult position for him too. I don’t think you can be much fairer than that. There is no way I’d even consider inviting someone who was regularly verbally or physically abusive towards others.
Post # 13
My family had a similar problem. My aunt was a drama queen married to an abusive husband. We did not want to cut her out of our lives as we all hoped she would leave her husband and wanted her to know she had a family to return to. So at any event she was told that she was welcome but her husband was not. It was her choice if she wanted to come and we would love to have her but if she came with her husband both would be asked to leave.
If she is a violent person it sounds like you might need to take this approach. Your brother might not like it, and its very likely he might not come, but at least you let him know that he is always welcome in your life, just not her.
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
If she’s been violent in the past, that absolutely trumps etiquette. Reach out to your brother and let him know that he is invited but because of her violent tendencies, she isn’t welcome. He may decline, but that’s on him not you.