- 5 years ago
Bees, let me first start off by saying that I am a frequent poster, but am a bit embarrassed by the situation i’ve allowed myself to get in/stay in. Please, no nasty replies, i’m really fragile right now – i guess i just needed to vent and maybe get your thoughts on what next. I was tired of talking to myself about this so I figured I’d come here – sorry for the length, but here’s the background:
SO and I have been together since our early 20’s – met at University – fast forward 10+ years – you are reading it right, we’re still not engaged. We have broken up a few times but only in theory. We just couldn’t seem to stay away from each other so Mistake #1 – I allowed him/me/us to still act like a couple even though we technically weren’t.
Rewind back a few years to our last breakup. I caught him in stupid lies pertaining to his roommate. Keep inmind that he comes from a family that is usually pretty blunt so yes, his directness has hurt my feelings before. When I confronted him about what I knew to be true even though he lied to me, he told me it was none of my business and if I wanted to know what was going on, I should’ve asked his roommate directly and not him as he is not one to talk other people’s business. While i kinda get it, it was the last straw. There was something more serious related to him/his personal life years back that he didn’t tell me about until I snooped and found out (I know snooping is bad but this caused us to break up the first time- it was pretty f’d up). After reiterating my disappointment and hearing his apology, I let him back in (mistake #2). So when this mess came up w/ his roommate and he went from withholding stuff from me (like he did in mistake 2), he repeatedly lied to me -to my face. I felt like I could not trust him and told him, if he’d lie to me about something so petty, what else is he or will he lie to me about. I shed so many tears then because I knew I had to end it for good. I made him give me the keys back to my place and told him to move all of his stuff out. He did. Then begged me for another chance for almost a month straight. I prayed about it and decided to give him another chance with the understanding that I was done with the lies and if he was serious about what I need from him, he needed to prove it Mistake 3 (we looked at engagement rings to “show me” he was serious about changing for the better, etc.). He ended up buying the one that I wanted and let me know when it was time, he’d propose.
Like any other couple, we’ve had our share of good and bad times since then, but no lies or secrets (that I’m aware of). He has a job that he hates and has said that we can move forward once he’s in a better place to take care of me (not that i need him to). Now it’s, I hate this location and need to move. He doesn’t want a long distance wife- I get it, but now that’s an issue. No ring until he’s where he physically wants to be. The ring is still in his possession… I keep getting timeframes that come and go but still no ring. Let me say this, despite his faults, I have been hospitalized a couple of times and he has taken care of me as if he were my sole care taker. He goes to work and comes to my place everyday. I have no concerns about his ability to stay faithful. My biggest concern now is that he doesn’t need me. I’m completely self sufficient (even when sick, i prefer to take care of myself), but feel like I need him in my life. Yes, he has alot of maturing to do, but he’s a good man. I asked him if he needed me and he felt like there wasn’t anything I could do for him at this point that he couldn’t do for himself. Its like, I enjoy being with you and it’s nice to have someone around to talk to and do things with. REALLY??? He then told me, “probably when we have kids”…
Shortly thereafter, he loses a parent. His transportation is not working either. I’m there for him and his family, allow shared use of my vehicle and I even rented a vehicle so he could use mine (I make more money than him so in my head, I thought it would be less of a burden for me to do this). Keep in mind, I already told him that I need to feel needed in this relationship and not like an accessory that was nice to have. My birthday rolls around and he didn’t get me anything. First time ever…I explained my frustration with him – this is an occasion to celebrate,even if it was just a card…I talked about everything that I’ve done when he “needed me”. This fool verbally replies back to me; you did all of those things because you wanted to. You shouldn’t expect acknowledgement for things that you wanted to do nor do it for praise. I did it because it was the right and nice thing to do. He did tell me thank you for ..Throughout that timeframe, but am I overreacting to his comment?
Lastly, he talked about moving – not sure where, a few months into the new year. I told him that i love him but will not move to be his “nice to have”. Now I’m wondering if it’s even worth continuing this relationship? I shamefully admit that I am terrified to go back in the dating world. I’ve had bad experiences with guys who seem cool but areliterally crazy or are plain ole dogs! Plus, after all of this time, it will be a while before I’m even comfortable seeksome folks to talk to. Do I cut my losses and pray for the best or give the man I love more time to mature and love me the way I want to be loved and needed (which may take roughly the same amount of time)?