(Closed) Unsure of everything – including which board to post this in :(

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hmmm, lots going on here… and to be honest I’d say none of it is “crucial” (dump his @ss) kind of stuff

So that is the GOOD NEWS

The BAD NEWS is you have let him get tooooooo comfortable !!

Made it waaaay too easy for him.

You guys are acting like “Old Married Folk” when you aren’t even engaged yet

The downside to this is…

1- You aren’t getting out of this relationship what you want / need

2- He has become complacient

3- He could become bored, and wander (sorry but it does happen)

4- OR he could meet someone that knocks him off his feet and says it’s over (again, sorry but it does happen)

5- OR you guys just drift along forever in limbo land

I will suggest 2 things, that I think you need to do to wake the Good Old Boy UP (Dr Phil’s words)

1- You need to sit down and read Dr Phil’s Book… “Love Smart – Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got”.  It can tell you thru reading / self discovery / quiz taking etc…  the nagging question you seem to be asking us Bees… IS HE TRULY THE ONE FOR ME ??

2- Time to sit your Guy down and have the longer extended version of the LIFE PLAN Talk.  Tell him what you Want / Need, and WHEN you envision it all happening

Preferably, have “the talk” AFTER you’ve read Dr Phil’s Book, so you have a better grasp of what EXACTLY it is you want / need.

Is this fixable ?


Sorry, can’t really answer those Questions only you can.

But I guarantee you will have a better picture of all this and where it is going before you commit another year to it… you should (and deserve to) know by January 1st.  Read the book, have the talk.  Have a LIFE PLAN in the works, or walk.


Post # 5
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

From what you’ve told me you are not happy. but not willing to leave because your scared. Dont be scared. Take a chance on life. Do what makes you happy. Love yourself enough to do this for you.

Post # 6
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

You have been acting like you are already married, so why the wait on his part? You have to ask him.

Post # 8
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Sadandhurtbee:  one thing I didn’t address in my post above.

It is clear to me that you LOVE him very much.  And that you both care for each other, in a “care” kind of way.  And those are very important factors in a marriage.

Outside of telling you he doesn’t want you to go LDR… how is the rest of your relationship.

Being independent isn’t a bad thing… but are you really functioning in two seperate lives, or is the romance and “can’t wait to get you naked” element still there too ?

Because, it is important that a couple has that…

I get where a woman may feel that her guy isn’t the Prince Charming she always dreamed about… (under the cover bed farts come to mind)

Or that things have mellowed out to where we wish they hadn’t such as…

“How come you don’t hold the car door open for me any more”


“You don’t bring me flowers any more” (infact Barbra Steisand & Neil Diamond had a big hit with a song of the same name… very poetic)

Us girls need that stuff for sure.  But not all men get it.  Some otherwise good men need help in this area (or a pass to forgive the error of their ways)

BUT if the Dr Phil Book has you see a bigger issue, then ya, no matter HOW MUCH YOU LOVE him, it may come down to sadly he just ain’t the right guy for you.

(( HUGS ))

— — —

EDIT TO ADD (based on your Reply # 6 above) … I get the scared to look beyond the fence aspect… but if that is what it comes down to in the end, you shouldn’t feel like you are taking a risk that you’ll NEVER meet anyone.  Because quite honestly, you are young.  There are lots of years ahead of you (better than the ones behind you that you may have wasted on this relationship… as Ms Elvis so eloquently put in an earlier post today for another Bee).  In reality, even I in my mid 40s who thought there would NEVER be another love, found out that wasn’t true.  I met Mr TTR.  And my elderly father, met a wonderful woman in his 80s.  So the magic of LOVE can and does happen… Cupid will find you if he wants to, you can’t hide from him !! 


Post # 12
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Sadandhurtbee: Re – Your Reply # 9

Then he has potential !!

I’ve been thinking about something you said in your OP…

I asked him if he needed me and he felt like there wasn’t anything I could do for him at this point that he couldn’t do for himself. Its like, I enjoy being with you and it’s nice to have someone around to talk to and do

If memory serves me right (unfortunately book is upstairs in my night-table and Mr TTR is asleep)… Dr Phil is the one who talks about this in his book.  How in today’s world couples have come to a point where they’ve found themselves so self-sufficient that they aren’t really sure they need the other person

It tends to be a bigger issue for men.  They see their women as being so capable that they are unsure / confused / frightened / intimidated by strong women (although they say they want to marry strong women) because they aren’t sure what their role as a man is any more within the relationship

Maybe your guy’s saying he isn’t sure he “needs” you (in that way) when infact what he really is channelling is his own uncertainties… “Does she need me”

Dr Phil goes thru a whole chapter on what men need in a loving relationship (besides sex).  And some of the most important things they need is to feel… needed, appreciated, accepted for who they are, respected, and loved.

As women, we tend to overlook that aspect, or not emphasis it enough.  And when we settle into getting comfortable we tend to also forget to let them do the stuff they excel at as guys.

So even if we know how to fix the sink ourselves, we should learn to shut up and just let him do it.  They are very proud of such accomplishments… and I used a high level one here… they feel exactly the same way about mundane things like cutting the grass, or taking the garbage out.  Washing the car (notice how they’ll do that just before they take you out in it) or buying us dinner.  To them these are their modern day contributions… the kill the moose and bring it home to eat sort of stuff

“Hey Honey Look What I Did… and I did it for you”

Evidently as women we aren’t grateful enough.  And we most certainly don’t say THANK YOU enough

Seems silly… but I do know that I try to make an effort to say THANK YOU to Mr TTR a lot, and it does seem to brighten his mood considerably.

Anyways there is a few thoughts on this topic…

Hope this helps,


Post # 14
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Sadandhurtbee:  Re – Reply # 10

Well that says a lot !!

To be honest, guys don’t really get our whole need to get married / be married.  Anymore than they understand the ticking clock or our concern about having babies.  For them there is always tomorrow.

You might want to read two replies that I wrote in topics for other Bees awhile back to get more insight into how guys think (and WHY us women find it frustrating)

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/boyfriend-its-too-soon-to-talk-about-that (My Reply is # 28)


http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/passion (My Reply # 17)

And BOTH should also give you some ideas on how to deal with that frustration and what motivates them

As well, if you haven’t already, you need to check out Mr Bee’s famous *Three Step Plan (and Back Up Plan) for Getting Engaged* from the WAITING BOARD here on WBee


Guys really don’t relate well to women who nag them… or appear desperate.  So the trick is to get them to understand our point of view WITHOUT conveying those feelings even if that is what we feel.  Which is where sitting them down and having a LIFE PLAN talk is a necessity to getting them at least thinking on the same page.

Hope this helps,

PS… (Re – Reply # 12) True Love IMO isn’t about … Fakin’ it till you Make it.  Real Love is about knowing what YOU want, what he wants, and seeing if you can’t come together on the same page.  IF you can’t then it is LOVING YOURSELF enough to know that it is time to go (as I said, the Dr Phil Book will show you the way either way)

NOTE – The links weren’t all working at first, I’ve now fixed them, and they are.


Post # 15
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sadandhurtbee:  So you are in your early 30’s then? You want children and every day that he is doing this power of control with not proposing is ticking away at your fertility. You have been dating for 10 years. If he can’t make up his mind to be with you at this point he is never going to. Why? Because he doesn’t need to have children, he is happy with the way things are. His needs are getting met and he is not sharing that life goal with you.

Now the big question is do you want him as a partner without being married or having children? Is he worth that sacrifice? Only you can answer that.

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