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I'd probably include her in another role. Maybe guestbook attendant or reader or some other role that won't give her opportunity for "trying to be funny." Does she want to be included? Or would she be happy to not have something specific to do on that day? Have she or her mom said anything to you about including her? I wouldn't discuss it with them, necessarily, but decide on your own how you'd like to include her and ask her if she'd be willing to take on that role. Who knows...she might say no anyway!
UB, thanks so much for the advice! Neither she nor her mother have mentioned it to me. But apparently, when my FH told her we were engaged, her first words were "I better get to be a bridesmaid." If that is any example of how she's been acting. I think her mother would understand if I chose not to include her. I don't know yet how include my FSIL wants to be, with the wedding still being about two years away, but it is definitely something to think about.
I appreciate the outside perspective!
I was hesitant to include my FSIL, too. She's just a very different person from me- thinks gross stuff is funny, is kind of selfish in certain ways, and brags herself up quite often. I kept thinking of my circle of best friends, and thought having her around as a bridesmaid on my wedding day just wasn't what I had envisioned! You picture the ladies in your life who have been there for you, who understand you better than anyone, and who will make that day really special. I know it was important to my fiance, though, so eventually we decided to include his sister on my side, and my two brothers on his.
It turned out that during our entire wedding weekend, she was the one who helped us set up, helped us lug huge boxes to the venue, and helped us clean up after our wedding. That weekend was so happy and full of love, and either everyone else surrounding me kind of blurred out that disconnect I thought I'd feel with her around. Either way, looking back, I'm glad I asked her to be a part of our wedding. I think if it's someone you will have to be around for the next 40 years, it's a good way to start to this new relationship you'll have with your new family. And this is coming from someone who felt kind of like throwing a tantrum the first time I thought of the idea of including FSIL in my wedding day- I was not happy about the idea at all!
Well, if the wedding is that far off, I'd try to delay the decision for a while until she has a chance to show that she's supportive and a little more mature in how she handles herself. Things may change a lot in a year, and you don't really need to decide anything about this yet. If she asks, just tell her you're not making any decisions about it until closer to the wedding. As another option, would it be possible for her to stand up on your FI's side instead of yours? That way she'd be included in the ceremony and such but not have to interact so much with you in traditional bridesmaid roles. My brother is standing on my side as my "Man of Honor" and only attendant (no bridesmaids=no bridesmaid dresses or drama!).
It's definitely not a wedding sin to not include her. Your BMs should be the girls who have stood by you through thick and thin, supporting you as you went through life, and obviously your FSIL is not one of those people, so I would not include her as a bridesmaid.
HOWEVER, that's not to say you can't include her in the wedding. =) If you think it would help your relationship, I would definitely think about including her as maybe being one of the people to pass around your wedding rings for a ring-warming (if you're having one), or wishing stones. I wouldn't suggest giving her a reading, if she's not especially close to either your fiance or you...but she could maybe even be a junior bridesmaid (and she doesn't have to stand up with you).
I had a hard time deciding BM's including FSIL too, although she is very sweet. However, when I thought about it, I will be so busy on my wedding day that I won't have time to worry about them and if it makes someone very happy to be a BM, what difference is it really going to make to me?
So, I think it would be nice if you included her, although it is ultimately up to you. However, for the sake of your future relationship with her, is it really going to be that much of an incovienence to include her? (That's what I had to ask myself regarding my decision). Why not include her and your 5 close friends, even if it will be uneven, its not that big of a deal.
Well, best wishes with your decision. Hope it all works out for you!!
I think it's a very nice signal that you're joining families if you include her. I also think it is frequently a very loud and clear sign if you exclude her, especially with a bigger bridal party. If you were having just two people and didn't have space for her, that'd be one thing, but if you can't make room for her with 5, it shows you're not trying.
I have a little cousin who is being left out of her brother's wedding party and it's killing her. I think it's putting a strain on the bride-to-be's relationship with her FILs. It's your choice, but I'd really encourage you to think about how it will be received. Your FSIL will be in your life forever.
I think it would cause less drama to include her, than if you chose not to include her.
I would first see if it's important to your FH to have her be in the bridal party, if it is, I would include her for him if not then it's up to you, if you feel like having her in it is going to be a source of stress then I wouldn't do it. I think having her do a reading is a better idea than guestbook attendant because I know I would hate to have to stand next to the guestbook and tell people to sign it if they were walking past, I think it would be a very boring job!
She's 18, very young, and would probably feel crushed, hurt, embarrassed and left out if she wasn't in the wedding party...especially if your brother is standing up on your FH side. Is that worth it?
Thanks for your insight and advice bees. I have a lot of things to consider but you made some good points to keep in mind. For now, I am not going to make a decision yet since we still have time, and I will try to gauge how interested she is/how involved she wants to be in the wedding.
I've been thinking a lot, and I am still feeling torn. My FSIL is going several states away to college in a few weeks, so I am afraid that if I am never able to see her, our relationship won't develop at all. Should I risk including her as a bridesmaid and then never hearing from her/seeing, causing her to be a bridesmaid in name only?
Flamingred and others, I certainly don't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel left out. I know I have time left to make this decision, but because we have already started planning the wedding, I'd really like to know who my bridesmaids are going to be. I'd like to be able to include them in the planning (if they are interested, that is), and I'm also having to avoid mentioning anything about the wedding party around my close girlfriends because I don't want them to starting wondering/asking who the maids will be.
As I said before, I am a big believer in family, and I really want to include her in some way, esp. because my FH is including my brother in his groomsmen (although my brother and I, and my fiance and my brother, are all very close). At this point, do you think the way to include her must be as a bridesmaid, or do you think something else will "suffice" to show her we want her to be a part of our day?
I really don't want to hurt her feelings, but I am also nervous about choosing a bridesmaid who may not be entirely supportive/hasn't show much of an interest in the engagement.
hi gemstone- i didn't read through all of the posts- but i was in a similar situation, only differences was that the sister was older. my brother is also a groomsman and everything. i did cut one of my very good friends to include her, but i am happy with my decision. she was very excited to be asked, and although we are not that close now, i do hope that we will be closer in the future. she lives across the state, but has shown interest in my planning and i am so happy that i decided to ask her. i really put myself in her shoes and thought "what if i wasn't included in my brothers wedding". i didn't like the thought of that very much. i hope that helps you in your decision and that everything works out for you:)
SO FUNNY taht your FSIL said ""I better get to be a bridesmaid." Because the day we got engaged, MY FSIL said "I AM SO GLAD I am a bridesmaid"... we hadn't asked anyone yet. So I asked her and we decided to go with SEVEN. I wanted an even # but that was it. Eventually there was drama (I will spare you, bc it's long, but FSIL is also very over-dramatic and childish and she's the only girl- so you look at her wrong and she has a grudge) and she talked badly about us and not wanting to be in our wedding. Months went by and I didn't see her, and I wanted to get an apology from her, work it out, and hopefully have her back in. She was a total biotch to me until I she noticed I was being nice to her, and then she acted as if there was NO problem, and started talking about being a BM!!! After telling her WHOLE FAMILY "screw them" yada yada! So as she complained about the price of a dress I said "That's funny, because... and quoted everything she'd said. She then threw a scene and hasn't talked to me since. So of course she's out.
And... I COUDL NOT BE HAPPIER!!!!
If you don't want her in it, DON't. SPARE yourself. Then if she complains, mention the tight group of friends and how you've known them so long. Involving her elsewhere is also a good idea. It's YOUR WEDDING... what you and FH want should happen, not what is "proper" or "nice!"
I included the FSIL and so far i have been engaged for over a year...and every opportunity to throw a monkey wrench into things...she has. I had to wait 3 months for her measurements so I could even LOOk at bridemaide dresses (she is a super size girl) and I needed to know just how large the designer need to go up to in order to choose a designer..
I caled her numerously and aasked her out right when i saw her...It wasnt until the FMIL was informed that she after 3 weeks at her mothers request finally gve me the measurements...and that opened another can of worms. Now i have to hear about how anything I come up with costs...trust me I am trying to keep the BM dresses under $200 and be reuseable. I cant see any of the other3 havign to pay $350 for a dress becasue we cant just go with an off the rack kind of dress becasue of the FSIL size.
I have been getting the cold shoulder becasue I ended up sending a EM to the entire group to avoid singling anyone out...with "the plan of attack" meaning that I was picking a designer and the color name...and the fabric and the length and then each could choose thier own dress...if should be noted that my friends are the other BMs and they live locally the FSIL is an out of stater...and we have never had a positive reliationship. She insulted me no less than 3 times the first time i met her..and when informed...she did nothing not an opology my fiance' told met o not expect opologies int his family...I told him in the future that I would take care of the insults myself then (I do not tolerate disrespect from anyone)
You all are giving me so much to think about...thank you for the input!
Gamblina, you're right -- I would be so hurt if I weren't included in my brother's wedding.
kjpugs - It is good to know I am not a monster for feeling this way. Your FSIL sounds a bit like mine...that could get tricky.
Mrs. Love 2b, I am so sorry to hear your FSIL is causing so much trouble! Not what you want from your crew of maids for sure!
Do any of you all think it's appropriate for me to have my FH test the waters with my FMIL? I'm honestly just as concerned with how she will react to my decision as I am about my FSIL's reaction. Do you think it would be appropriate to have my FH discreetly try to gauge how involved she expects my FSIL to be in the wedding?
I'm not sure what else to do right now. With every response, I lean a little more each way, and then just end up back in the middle...!
I am sorry if it is pathetic to bump my own post -- still haven't made a decision though and thought if anyone else was up late they might weigh in. You bees are the best.
I do not think you should feel badly at all - consider this. I have three brothers, two sister in laws. My fiance has two sisters. His older sister assumed she'd be in the wedding party, and apparently so did his cousin. Meanwhile, my fiance and I decided that it would just be simpler not to have any siblings in our party since I would never assume that my brothers would be his groomsmen, and he would never assume that his sisters would be my bridesmaids. But alas, this has not gone over well, and it's gone so far as my getting emailed by his sister's boyfriend telling me not to talk to her or email her because anything i say is being construed as a "slap in the face" since she's not a bridesmaid. Let me qualify this by saying we are NOT close and haven't been for quite some time. If I could remember the last time she called me, that would be a feat. Don't feel badly. It's your day, and you should have those who are closest to you next to you. People you can count on who don't bitch behind your back.
Thanks 7! It's hard to remember to listen to myself sometimes when I'm feeling pressure to please everyone!
These situations are so hard! I assumed FSIL would ask me if she wanted me to be a BM.... I guess she assumed I knew I was one, because the first I heard of it was when we were both getting our hair done and she told the hairdresser! LOL!
If she really is dramatic and immature, I don't think it'd be bad to give her another role. But be prepared for her feelings to be hurt, and possible drama.
Unless there is a really big reason not to include her, I tend to lean towards being inclusive of siblings. Especially younger ones. I think it sends a nice message to both families at the onset of the marriage.
I agree with Jocelyn. It sounds like you have small immediate families and leaving her out of the wedding party would make her the only family member without a place in the wedding party. Sure she won't be as close as your 5 closest friends within the next year, but over the rest of your life she probably will be. I wouldn't get too hung up on the number of women on the wedding party. I would concentrate more on making sure the right women are included.
Update on my FSIL situation - it's been 3 weeks since she's made eye contact with me or her brother, she hasn't spoken with us about the wedding, but we know through the grapevine that she's talking about it behind our backs.
This weekend she drunk-dialed my fiance telling him that she is upset that we chose a date in 2010, since it doesn't give her time to get married first (she's not engaged) and that if she and her boyfriend had gotten married first, they would have "set the right precedent" by having me and my fiance in their wedding.
She told him that it was ridiculous that she and her boyfriend were not in our wedding, and that even after us explaining that all siblings are excluded because of me having 3 brothers/2 sisterinlaws, and him having 2 sisters we were not doing siblings, she still feels like she's personally being excluded.
Unbelievable.
Have you thought about having your brother stand up for you as a "Bride's man" and then leave it up to your FI about whether he wants to have his sister stand up for him? My bf and brother aren't close at all, and same goes for his sister and I. I just think it's weird for my brother to be standing on his side and his sister to be standing on mine, so we're switching it up and it just makes a lot more sense for us. I don't think you should be obligated to ask someone on your FI's side (or anyone for that matter) to be a BM unless you genuinely want them to be. I've said this before on another post, but IMO, I think that if you question whether someone should be a BM then they prob shouldn't be. I think your initial gut reaction of having your 5 close friends that stand out is prob right. Good luck making your decision!
I included my two FSILs, and I already have sisters. But we're both really really close to all of them so it made sense for me. If I didn't like my FSILs, maybe I would have changed it up, but in general I really lean towards thinking that siblings should be included unless there's some really big reason not to.
I personally lean towards including her, if only because I would consider potentially avoiding the drama worth it.
In my circle of friends, when a friend, C, got married, his fiancee did not ask his sister to be a bridesmad. Everyone was very surprised (his family, the whole circle of friends, etc) and thought it was insulting to leave her out. I know every group of people/local areas feel different about this, but I got the hint that with this social circle, leaving out Mr Spin's sister would be seen as a deliberate snub. So I included Mr Spin's sister as a bridesmaid even though it throws the numbers off. To me, it was worth having her in the bridal party. We're not especially close, but we do like each other. I am a little intimidated by her, b/c she does speak her mind very plainly. But I love Mr Spin and his parents and I wouldn't for the world want to hurt them by leaving her out.
I would say do your best to put the decision off for awhile longer. June 2011 is still a long ways away and hopefully in a couple months you'll have a better idea of how your FI and FMIL feel about this. If the only person who would be insulted is the whiny younger sister, it will have to be your judgement call. But if it would insult the whole family to exclude her, it might be worth it to put up with her and just include her as a BM if you can't get away with her as a reader.
Good luck! Keep us posted!
I went through the same dilemma about whether to include my FSIL. I actually had a post about it here, too. In the end, I didn't ask her, and I only feel a tiny bit bad about it, but no stress about she and I clashing during the whole wedding planning process and that's HUGE to me. I worried about if she were in my party, I would not be able to enjoy my own wedding. We are as different as day and night. Here is a short list of things that I considered while deciding. In the end, how my FI feels has a lot to do with my final decision. The following is assuming that you prefer not to have your FSIL in party but you also don't want to offend her and do want to have famil harmony (this was my state of mind about whether to include her or not:
1. How does FI feel? Does he have ANY desire to include FSIL? Can you swap your brother with his sister if both end up being in wedding party? We would have done this if FI cared to have her on his side.
2. Does your FMIL want her to be in your party? I think I would have included FSIL if they expressed that desire. Ideally I'd love my FSIL in my wedding party, but ideally my FSIL would be a nicer and more easy going person, too.
3. Will she make your wedding plannign process miserable if she were in your party? Would she ruin your experience for you? Would you be happy on your wedding day if she's part of your wedding party?
4. What are the chances she'll be a gracious BM? You know her best.
What makes your situation different from mine is that my brother (who is very important to me) is standing on my side as my Man of Honor, so no one can say how come I didn't invite FSIL, as it'd be on FI (and he doesn't care).
I understand that there is a possibility that my FSIL might surprise me and would be very helpful if she were in my wedding party, but I don't want to chance it.
lastly, like what the pp said, you still have a bit of time to decide. I didn't pick my wedding party until 8 months out (except for the MOH). Don't lock yourself in just yet. I sat on the problem for months but when I decided, it made all the sense to me and I feel pretty happy about it. Now when I see her doing selfish things and disrespectful things to me, I just feel so glad and thankful that I didn't include her. Use now until 6-8 months out from wedding to see if how your relationship with your FSIL develops. If by then it's no better, I wouldn't include her.
I do wish for both families to merge, but sometimes it's just impossible. :/
GOOD LUCK!
I would put it off a little longer, I believe you said you had another year (?) until the wedding and I think as long as you "offically" annonce it 6 months ahead of time you'll be good. Perhaps by then she'll have matured a little bit....you could try including her in some wedding stuff & see how she reacts when she doesn't have to "show off" for the fam.
Personally, my FI and I are including his his sister (she'll turn 21 on our wedding day) in the wedding party because as mmmarries put it- she'll be around the rest of your married life!
Lilyfaith - thanks for your input. I don't want to hurt her!
Jocelyn - You are right -- making nice with the blending of families is a good idea.
mmmaries - You worded that so well. Thanks for keeping me in the right perspective.
7sevenj9 - I am so sorry to hear what you're going through with your FSIL! What a nightmare!
Boston Bee - That makes a lot of sense! My brother will be on my FI's side because they are pretty good friends in addition to the fact that my brother and I are very close. On the flipside, though, my FI and my FSIL are NOT close, so he wouldn't have a desire to have her stand with him. Thanks so much for your encouragement and reassuring words!
minneapolitan - The idea that including future siblings is something we *should* do is seeming to be pretty prevalent. And no, there's no big reason not too -- just little reasons. ;)
SpinningJenny - Thank you for sharing your how this worked in your own experience. I have already received comments from my FI's extended family that make it pretty clear that they expect his sister to be in the wedding party. So I think it would be more than just her who feels snubbed. :(
Missabee - Oh my goodness, what great things to think about. Thank you so much. I will try to address some of your point in my response to all below.
Peoniespearls - I know -- we have so long still, I am just so excited to "announce" my bridesmaids! :) And you're right -- family is there forever.
Okay bees, let me just say that I am overwhelmed by your support and so, so thankful! For a while, I felt okay about not including my FSIL. But when I did a little bit of digging deep in my heart, I felt really terrible about not including her. So then I became torn because I did not want to "cut" one of my closest friends for someone who I don't particularly even want in the wedding party.
To answer some of Missabees questions, FI has NO desire for her to be in the wedding party. They are NOT close, but I am trying to make nice by including her. So unfortunately, we can't swap and have my brother on my side and his sister on his, as much as I love my brother. My FMIL is so sweet that she really thinks I should have the day the way I want, but I do know that the rest of FI's extended family would be upset if I don't include her. They've already made comments to me that indicate they expect her to be a BM. And then honestly, I don't know if my FSIL will really help my process at all. She might help, but I really don't see her being hugely involved. I'd like to think that if I make the gesture of including her, she'll at least be nice/respectful.
For some reason, I am all wrapped up in having *five* maids -- as though five is the perfect number. FI feels the same way. Finally, my mom told me that the only "easy" choice, is to just up the number to six. That way I can include FSIL and all of my friends.
When I told FI this, he balked a bit at the high number, but I think he sees how hard this decision is on me.
Do you think six is too many? I know the rule of one maid for every 50 guests, but just in general -- when you look at a wedding party, would 6 maids and 6 mens look crazy? I think that's what FI is afraid of -- having so many attendants that the attention is shifted away from us.
THANK YOU BEES!
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My FH and I have begun discussing our wedding party and how many attendants we would like to have. We are still on the fence between four and five apiece.
If we have five, my choice is easy -- I have five close girlfriends who stand out from the rest of my crowd of friends. They are all from different areas of my life -- childhood best friend, high school friends, college friends. If we choose four, I would be able to "pare" it down to four, but the choice would be hard.
My FH plans to include his childhood best friend, some college and high school friends, and my brother. He will be including my brother because 1) my brother and I are very close and it is important to me, and 2) my FH and my brother get along very well.
I, however, am torn about whether to include my FH's sister - my FSIL. As I mentioned, I have five great girls I could ask to be bridesmaids. However, part of me feels as though I should include my FSIL out of the sense of family (I do not have any sisters myself). I know it would make her happy and I am sure my FMIL would be touched.
A couple of complications: 1) My FH and his sister are not really friends nor do they have the best of relationships. 2) MY FSIL and I have a moderate relationship. She is still young (she's 18, four years younger than me), and sometimes acts her age. Sometimes, we get along fine, and sometimes she acts like self-centered child. Since my FH and I have gotten engaged, I have received only sarcastic comments about the wedding from her -- no genuine feelings of happiness. When my FH talked with her about this, she said she was just trying to be funny, which I understand, but I am hesitant to take her on as a bridesmaid if she is going to have that attitude consistently, especially if that means cutting out one of my friends.
So, what do you think? Is it a major wedding sin not to include her, esp. if my FH is including my brother? Or would I be justified in including my friends who are so close to me and who I know will be supportive and encouraging?
I was thinking that if I don't include my FSIL as a bridesmaid, then perhaps I could find another way for her to be involved. By doing a reading or something during the ceremony? What do you think of that/do you have any other ideas for ways for her to feel included?