(Closed) unsure with how I feel, if it's over, or if Im just messed up :-(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m not sure what sort of advice to give you, because you sound very unhappy, but I’ll just point out a few things:

1) I don’t know any guy that doesn’t or hasn’t watched porn.  It’s not a problem.  Guys can watch porn and have happy relationships, and still be totally crazy about their spouses.  Porn doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you.  There are, however, guys who have unrealistic expectations of sex based on the porn they watch.  I knew a guy like this who would spend decent chunks of the day watching porn.  This WAS a problem for him.  And if a guy can’t get off without porn, that’s a problem.  But porn isn’t the same as fantasy, and it seems as if you see the two as synonymous.  Fantasy’s ok.


2) You guys aren’t having sex.  That is really, really, hard.  It requires compensating, and for a lot of guys that will be porn.  I don’t think sharing his fantasies about you’s a bad thing!


3) You’re right that sex isn’t the cornerstone of a relationship, but it’s really important!  Sexual problems can ruin a relationship.  It seems like that’s the root of your problems now.


4) Your needs.  He should be addressing your needs.  Falling asleep after his needs being addressed is pretty natural.  Could you guys try having your needs met before addressing his?


Ony you know if you’re done or not, but relationships do go through rocky periods.  Whether you decide this is it or you want to work it out, good luck!

Post # 5
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sadandconflicted: I’m so sorry you are struggling with this, but your Fiance is a porn addict and needs professional help.  sounds like you’re at the end of your rope and I can’t say that I blame you.  Take a break from him and in the meantime look into a support group or a therapist. this isn’t healthy for either of you.

Post # 6
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I havent logged in here in over a month but for this one I had to post. You need to stop obsessing about what he thinks about and and more about his actions. If he has made a commitment to stop watching porn and according to you he hasnt been using it then you need to back off.  He tried to do the right thing, and you continue to nag him about it. He changed his fantasies to include you.

You yourself admit that you wont have sex with him and I can tell you that intimacy has alot to do with sex. Then you worry that he might get in the mood if he sees a naked woman in a movie. Are you going to limit what he can read or see in a film? Thats not fair to him. Its also not your place to police his thoughts.

He came to you with his thoughts, not actions, and you have basically punished him for being a stand up guy who tried to be honest with you and now your using it against him.

I dont think it can work for you all. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, of course not the most important part but it is a big part. I can also tell you that men are going to look at visual images whether or not its porn or even regular television or girls passing down the street. Its human nature, you cant control hormones but you can control your actions. Seems that he is controlling them. You wont have sex with him and thats your perogative but he is like any guy on this planet. They want to have sex and eventually its going to cause frustration.

If you arent willing to compromise and he isnt either then let it go.

Post # 7
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

You guys aren’t having sex, you aren’t really into doing other things with him anymore, you don’t want him to fantasize about sexual things even if he’s fantasizing about you and you don’t want him to masturbate?

I think maybe talking to a professional would help you work through your feelings/issues.


Post # 8
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@TexasSpringBride: +1

I think you’re being a little controlling, actually. You’re trying to change or limit the sexual nature of your man (most men are this way, btw). 

I also think you need to figure out why you are so insecure and “sick” about him being turned on by other women? If you’re not giving him the satisfaction he needs, what else is he supposed to do?

Post # 11
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

The simplest answer to me is you 2 are just not compatible. He has some issues with porn that he needs to work on (I only say that because you say he says he WANTS to stop but doesn’t seem to be able to for long periods of time if I read that correctly) and you have some control issues you need to work on. You can’t control his thoughts. Fantasies exist and sometimes make things exciting…it’s part of why some people role play or go out to a bar and pretend to be strangers just meeting. I don’t personally have a problem with porn at all but the fact is, you DO and you guys just aren’t compatible. You deserve someone who thinks more along the lines you do and he deserves someone who doesn’t make him feel bad about himself.

Post # 12
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I remember you or someone who sounds a lot like you posting about this a while back and I’m just not sure what advice to give. You can’t focus so much of your time and energy wondering what sexual thoughts are going through your fiance’s head. You’ll go absolutely crazy. We live in a highly sexualized world and porn and masturbation are a part of it. I feel like you are morally opposed to porn and that’s fine but . . . masturbating is just a part of life. We all have to think about something while we’re doing it, right?

I am not sure how of your and your fiance’s fixation on sex is organic or forced from how much attention and power you’re both giving it. I agree that sex is important but not the cornerstone of marriage and not the only reason to enter into a romantic relationship. I also agree that he should be a little more enthusiastic about pleasing you — maybe that will come when you start having intercourse? I don’t know. I just feel like THIS much obsessing over it is making it seem bigger in your relationship than it is. I think you need to stop micromanaging your fiance’s fantasies, he needs to stop coming to you with every little dirty thought that crosses his mind during the day, and you both need to focus on what’s good in your relationship — there must be other reasons you two are together besides sex!

Post # 15
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@sadandconflicted:  He probably agreed to wait about having sex because its something you wanted to do. He was trying to be respectful to your wants and needs. Now you admit to having some fooling around but not going all the way. You cant have it both ways. If you turn a guy on, you cant expect him to be satisfied and not completely frustrated every time you fool around a bit. You are also trying to control his other outlet for sexual frustration. You wont have sex but you fuss or pitch a tantrum if he masturbates.


You cant have it both ways is all Im saying. He is doing his best walking a fine line and your demanding that he submits to every single desire and notion you have, but what are you doing for him.

Women on these boards will always say that your needs have to met but you have to meet his needs to and if you not then you need to step away and let him go his way and you need to go your own way.

Post # 16
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@sadandconflicted:  I agree with one of the PPs that individual counseling for you might be helpful, especially if you want to make this relationship work.  But honestly, it sounds like you a) don’t respect him, b) don’t trust him, and c) aren’t attracted to him.  For me, any one of those would be a deal breaker.  If you truly love him, there’s some work to be done, and I think most of it is by you.  He’s stopped looking at porn, he’s trying to control his fantasizing (by the way, he fantasizes about you because he is attracted to you), and while he certainly could be more giving in the bedroom, it sounds like your bitterness about getting him off and your lack of chemistry is killing the mood.  Now it’s your turn.  Best of luck going forward, whatever you decide.

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