Post # 1
Hey bees, I really need your advice.
I got engaged a couple weeks ago and am starting to think about where/when to have the wedding and reception. I just found out that my fiance’s brother and his girlfriend have put a down payment on one of the places we were thinking of having the reception and within the few weeks in September 2010 that we were thinking of getting married. I’m conflicted about what to do– should I work around their schedule or should I settle for another season and venue? They aren’t engaged because she’s still waiting on an annulment to go through, but I assume they will be engaged very soon as well. Is it totally rude of me to plan whatever I wanted? Or do you think it’s better to respect the steps they have already taken? Also, I’m wondering if it’s rude to my fiance’s family to plan back-to-back weddings, as I assume they will be providing the rehearsal dinners for both.
Let me know what you ladies think. My friends and family are all over the map on this– some people say to do whatever I want because I don’t want to look back and feel compromised and others think I should just suck it up and work around them. I’m wondering what other brides-to-be would do. Thanks girls!
Post # 3
Ask them about it. Different people will have different opinions on this – for some it’s a big no-no, for some it’s not. If I found out one of my sisters or my FI’s sisters wanted to get married the same season we were, I wouldn’t really care. But you won’t know how the two of them feel about it until you have a conversation with them about it. I think they’d really appreciate the gesture and it’d help you make a decision you’re sure you all can be happy with.
Post # 4
Agreed. Sit down and talk with your FBIL and his fiancee about what they think, and then ask his family. Best thing if you’re trying to avoid conflict is go right to the source!
Post # 5
definitely work around them. be the better couple. it’s no fun to go to two weddings in such a short period and if you have it in the same season you will CONSTANTLY be trying to outdo each other. i’d say have the wedding earlier in spring 2010. don’t believe it when people tell you that you need a year to plan a wedding. i did it in 7 months, no biggie.
Post # 6
First of all, Welcome and Congrats on your engagement!
Personally, I would avoid having the weddings so close. Were they aware of your plans when they put down the deposit? If this is a matter of coincidence (and not them being sneaky), adjusting your date could preserve a lot of good will. Plus, think of the stress on you. Closer to the wedding, time and money will be tight— think of what this will mean if your FI is also in his brother’s wedding. Luckily, you found out about this before your plans were in stone. Good luck planning!!
Post # 7
Congrats on your engagement!
I agree with the other comments: talk to them and express you willingness to work around their plans (somewhat) you may end up with a better result.
They may be totally cool with you having a similar plan and (if you are) you could both end up with great weddings that each of your guests will enjoy.
Wedding style is so personal that your tastes may be completely different and create a totally different type of wedding atmosphere.
You’ll be the awesome one for being concerned about not stepping on their toes and for not putting a financial strain on the family.
Post # 8
Second, Ruby Falls are you from TN? Took a trip down there and visited Ruby Falls. Nice place.
So I might be reading too much into this, but I feel like you are asking if you need to respect their date as much since they haven’t officially announced an engagement. If FBIL put a down payment on a venue, consider them engaged. How did you find out about the date? Are they pretty much telling people and talking about the date and wedding etc? (Sometimes people really just back into engagement.) Do you feel like this came somewhat out of the blue, while you’ve been carefully planning? Just curious. I also think it could be seen as rude on their part if they knew you were looking at places and dates, and rushed to book theirs before you had your date set.
So you were thinking of getting married in September ’10? How important is that month to you? What does your FI think? In terms of his parents and the RD, maybe he can talk to them about it. A RD doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg. (Depends on a lot of factors.) Will Fi’s family have many OOT guests? If so are they a few hours drive or very far away? It might make it hard for them to attend both (unless you had a double wedding or perhaps a week apart, if they made a vacation out of the visit.) Do you know how FBIL and his Fi think about it? Maybe they wouldn’t care.
If it isn’t a huge deal, I think trying to give them more space would be great. If it was me, I probably would want to space them, so that we all could have our own spotlight. But I’m also used to having weddings be pretty close (from time to time), and don’t feel it’s that big of a deal. But maybe you can give us more details.
Post # 9
Oh my goodness, girls, thank you so much for all of the helpful responses.
To answer some of your questions– whether they knew of our tentative plans is unclear. We had all talked about it, but I think they are saying now that they didn’t really know. I have talked to the girlfriend about it somewhat and have recently stressed my interest in getting married around the same time, but I also don’t feel comfortable asking her to move her date, nor was she receptive to pushing it back or moving it up more than a couple weeks. Our reason for September was because it was far enough past the bar exam in July for me to finalize all the details at the end.
I never assumed there was any malice in this, but I also feel like I would have taken steps to check with them on their plans or even just let them know if I was going to finalize some of my own. I suppose I’m hurt because I feel a little stepped on– tell me bees, if I just need to get over that!
Post # 10
It all sounds like random bad timing to me! Although I think it’s strange that they put money down on a place before they’re officially engaged! And it sucks it’s a place you were considering. Now you have to find something "better" right? LoL. Rehearsal dinners don’t have to be that expensive, btw. Ours is only $700 so it depends on your FI’s parents and budgets for that. If THEY don’t really know hwat they’re going to do, I say you’re ok planning yours. Or just ask them, "hey is it ok if we move ahead with some plans then since you’re in legal limbo?" I think that’s perfectly ok. Could you just move it back a month to october?
I kinda feel like if there’s no ring on your finger and you’re running around going "i’m engaged, i’m engaged!!!" you don’t have the right to be like "this is MY date, tough canoodles" to someone who IS engaged and trying to plan their wedding. Everything SHOULD just be tenative not set in stone.
Post # 11
I really don’t get the "wedding month" thing, so I would say do what you need to do. That said, are there a lot of OOT guests? If that’s the case, it’s a different story and you probably want to be sensitive to their ability to travel. If that’s not the case, then I would check to make sure you don’t cause a lifelong feud with FBIL/FSIL, but you have a great reason for picking September and I personally think that’s good enough. It’s your life too, and moving the date up really doesn’t make a lot of sense given the stress of taking the bar. I don’t know enough about weather in TN to say whether moving it later makes sense.
I do think, though, that it’s not exactly fair to ask her to move the date. They are planning the wedding. They have decided to get married. Its only a legal hiccup. They are engaged. Are you sure they are even going to do a formal proposal? I guess my point is that when a couple decides to get married, they’re engaged in my book. Not everyone feels that way, but it seems pretty clear that they do or they wouldn’t be making deposits on venues.
And FWIW, until a couple months ago, it looked like my cousin was getting engaged. She would have gotten married soon after me. Unfortunately they decided to end it instead (she’s actually not as upset about it as I would have guessed), but my feeling was that it would be more exciting and easier for our family to have the weddings close to each other…I relied heavily on research my aunt and other cousin did regarding vendors for some of my stuff. Just a thought…it doesn’t have to be competitive, it can also be somewhat helpful to get married close to each other.
Post # 12
Thanks for everything girls, I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate your advice and thoughts on here. I am actually not from TN, I just really love the song Ruby Falls, by Guster, so when I joined Weddingbee, for whatever reason, I decided to make it my name.
Thank you for the validation, support, and honesty on here. I look forward to following your journeys as well and to hopefully be as helpful to you as you all have been to me. 🙂