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Uh wow, this is definitely a situation where Emily Post may not apply! I would definitely would let him know through whatever channel you feel most comfortable (facebook would probably be ok) that he is no longer welcome at your event because of those actions. It does not matter if he feels remorseful or if he protests because he was drunk, insist that he will not be made welcome at your event and that he is no longer invited. After that, it will be his problem, not yours.
Yikes! If he still thinks he's invited, I'd make sure to let him know he's not welcome, even before the invites go out. Do you still have any in-person or phone contact with him? I'm not sure if you want to put this in writing or whether I'd be worth a phone call. I'd probably include the "Why" but I'm not sure. You don't want him to be able to smear you or your MOH by forwarding whatever you send him. I hope it goes well, and that your MOH is okay!
Ick, geez. In this situation, I wouldn't feel obligated to do it in any particularly sensitive way -- I'd just tell him in whatever way I felt comfortable with. Anything is fine. You could tell him why he's not invited in a general way, but it probably just depends on the kind of person you are. I'd probably be feeling really protective and angry and would definitely be tearing him a new one... BUT that might not be the best way to act.
I think that doing it in a non-confrontational way is fine - like phone or email. He doesn't deserve much more consideration than that. Also, he seems somewhat dangerous so in-person does not seem like the best option. Good luck with this. My only concern is that since he knows the time/ place of the wedding already from the StheD, he will show up anyway. Does your MOH have a restraining order against him?
If it were me, I'd have my FI handle it man to man.
What a cowardly thing to do to your friend! Sure hope she has a RO against him.
I'd have your FI email him and say something like "due to the recent circumstances, it might not be best for you to attend". That way if he has anger issues and turns them at you, it's actually the FI who will deal with him. Let's see how he likes dealing man to man this time.
Grrrr. that makes me so mad!! Hugs and healing to your friend.
bellenga stole my thunder.
yeah, let your FI handle it even if he is a friend from your side and not from his.
I would inform him promptly that he is not invited, and will not be welcome on the property which is hosting the wedding. You can give him a why if he asks, but I'm sure he'll know why. If he persists, tell him that you will file a restraining order preventing him from entering the property, or from being within 100 yards of your MOH. (You can't do this of course, only your MOH can. But it's a good sounding threat, no?) Make it clear that you are on your MOHs side, and he is NOT WELCOME.
I like bellenga's solution where your fiance speaks to the guy man-to-man. I'd do it over email too, this way he can't confront you verbally and there is a written record of your communication if he does get threatening at a later date.
Wow - that's a tough one, but YOU ARE DEFINITELY RIGHT to uninvite. I don't think I'd give the jerk the courtesy of a why. I'd simply drop him a note. Unfortunately, since he IS a jerk, chances are, he'll show up anyway. Could you have someone run point to keep him from entering the building if he's spotted?
Sorry you have to deal with this on your day...
I can't believe he thinks he's still invited! This guy must have a screw loose. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Here's what I'd suggest: send him an e-mail, signed "Miss and Mr. wouldntitbenice" and cc'd to your fiance's e-mail account. Say something along the lines of "Dear Guy, we understand from several mutual friends that you are planning to attend our wedding. We need to tell you that because Jane is our maid of honor, we no longer feel comfortable having you at the ceremony or reception, and we have decided to uninvite you. We are sad to have had to make this decision, but we believe you will understand why we did." That way, he can't brush it off as a bridezilla overreacting (like so many people do when a bride does something) -- he'll see it's a mutual decision you and your fiance have reached, and he'll realize that he will be completely unwelcome should he decide to show up.
If you still think he might attend, can you give a picture to staff at your venue? Like valet if you're having one and let them know he isn't welcome? I know they are not there to enforce a restraining order, but hopefully he wouldn't show up drunk and belligerent.
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@MelissaB: Love your "sample e-mail" text! Perfect way to go IMO!
Hey hive! Thanks for all the great advice. I think I'll ask FH to do it, or to let me do it from his e-mail address ;)
Something along these lines.
"Dear ___,
It has come to our attention that you expect an invitation to our wedding in August and I am writing to inform you that as a result of the incidnet in March an invitation will not be forthcoming.
-Mr. & Mrs."
20100728_42.JPG (1658.8 KB, 47 downloads) 1 year old 20100728_41.JPG (1651.1 KB, 39 downloads) 1 year old
That sounds great! My only suggestion is that he might not get the difference between a save-the-date and the real invitation (he's a guy, after all) -- is there a good way to work in the word "uninvite," so it's absolutely clear that any documents he has that imply he's welcome are no longer valid? (I'm probably overthinking this -- only a complete idiot would receive that e-mail and think it would be OK for him to show up at your wedding.)
I have to admit, when I first saw the title of this post I was about to let out a "She wants to do <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic">what??" But after reading, it's totally clear that your reasoning is legit! I think your phrasing is appropriate: not too spiteful, just informatory. Good luck! Let us know how he responds, if you don't mind :)
I like MelissaB's text but the one thing I would change is where it says "uninvite you". Perhaps something like.. "We need to tell you that because Jane is our maid of honor, we no longer feel comfortable having you at the ceremony or reception, and know you will respect our decision of no longer having you at the wedding." That way he will look like a totally a** if he shows up or pitches a fit.
Also, make sure your MOH is aware when the email is sent out so she can avoid any phone calls for him. I know guys who will turn around and start yelling at the girl saying "its her fault, why can't she just get over it blah blah blah". Everyone involved should know what will be said and when.
Wow, that guy sucks.
I'm just glad you are a good enough friend to do the right thing. Sounds like not everyone you know has given him the cold shoulder. Good for you.
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So, I sent a save-the-date to a friend a few months back, and since then this person physically attacked my MOH. He makes her uncomfortable and angry now, and because I am completely disinterested in being friends with a man who thinks hitting women is acceptable (he was drunk, but it's no excuse) I need to make it clear to him that he's not welcome at the wedding any longer. I'm thinking that just not sending an invitation is not sufficent (he's mentioned the wedding to others and obviously still thinks he's on the guest list.)
So, do I write him a note? drop him a line on facebook? more importantly, do I mention the why of the situation?
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