- 6 years ago
As many bees have done before me, I have chosen to post anonymously due to the nature of this post. It’s a very difficult subject for me to write about and I wish the situation would just disappear, but it won’t. (Also…sorry for the novel).
Darling Husband and I started dating our senior year of high school. A few months before we started dating I had broken up with my only other “serious” boyfriend, whom I lost my virginity to and had considered him to be my very best friend (I’ll call him R). R and I maintained a distant friendship even when Darling Husband and I started dating. Darling Husband knew that R and I talked occasionally but never seemed to have a problem with it.
After about 2 years of occasional contact, R knew that I was going to be back in our hometown for a weekend and said he really wanted to see me. Against my better judgement, I ended up meeting him and although it was so nice to catch up, I knew I had made a mistake because so many feelings started coming back to me. I let it go too far and we kissed.
I remember waking up the next morning completely sickened by what I had done. I NEVER imagined that I would cheat on my boyfriend (now DH), and in one night I became a cheater and I could never take it back. I was physically ill that day and I made the decision to not tell Darling Husband. That may not have been the best decision but it made sense at the time (in my 19-year-old mind). I didn’t want to hurt him and I decided that my “punishment” would be to live with the guilt of what I did.
R called that day to apologize, he said he felt terrible about what happened (he had a girlfriend too), and I told him we didn’t need to talk anymore. And we didn’t…for a while, although I have to be honest and say that I thought about him a lot. Just wondered what he was up to, mostly.
Sometime last year (3 years after the kiss) he sent me a message on Facebook saying that he was so sorry for anything he’s ever done to hurt me. I didn’t even know that he was on FB, and although I probably shouldn’t of, I added him. And we started talking. A lot. It was like we had never stopped, and he was the same best friend I had in high school. I KNEW I was wrong, but I kept talking to him anyway. I didn’t hide it from Darling Husband (FI by this time), but I didn’t shout it from the rooftops that R and I were talking either.
R and I met in person 2 times during these months. Nothing physically happened, thank goodness, but I still felt so guilty because I knew I was developing quite an emotional relationship with him. I decided that I had to tell Darling Husband everything. It was a lot for him to take in, of course, but he wasn’t very upset about the kiss. He was much more upset about the fact that I was again in contact with R and had met with him (UNDERSTANDABLY upset!!). He asked that I delete R from FB, and I did.
About a month before my wedding, R called and I stupidly answered the phone. He went on and on about how he should be the one marrying me, that we could be so happy together. That he loved me and I am the only one that has ever been there for him. I ended the conversation and a month later I got married and I haven’t spoken to him since.
I love my husband with ALL my heart and could not be happier with our relationship. I cannot imagine myself with ANYONE else, especially R. While R is a very nice guy, he just doesn’t have his life together and can be kind of an emotional wreck. Darling Husband is just absolutely wonderful to me…and I NEVER want to hurt him again.
HERE’S MY DILEMMA: R crosses my mind constantly. I don’t wish I was with him, I don’t wish things were different, but I just CAN’T stop thinking about him. The more I try to stop, the more I think about him. I HATE IT! He is a nice person who I grew to care about once upon a time. Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I lost my virginity to him, but seriously, EVERYONE has a “first love,” and most people aren’t still thinking about them 7 years later!! Am I really THAT crazy?
I also think sometimes that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I “settled down” so young (DH and I were 17 when we started dating) and I never got to “experience the world” or something like that. I don’t know, they’re all just excuses I guess.
I just don’t know what to do. I’ve thought about seeing a therapist because I really feel like I need someone to talk to about this, but a therapist can’t FORCE these thoughts out of my mind. I just think it is so incredibly unfair to my husband that I think about R almost every day. R and I are no longer in contact with each other (for quite a while now), and I wish I could just forget about him but I can’t. Even during those 3 years that we didn’t talk before, I still thought about him. Is this how the rest of my life is going to be?!
I know I made mistakes but Darling Husband is amazing and forgave me. I just want to get past it all and I don’t know how if I can’t get R off my mind.
If anyone has any advice, please tell me. I’m willing to hear anything, and don’t feel bad about being harsh if you need to.