Post # 1
My fiance’s sister reacted poorly to the news that we are pregnant- suggesting that it was poor timing to my fiancé and suggesting an abortion (it was a surprise pregnancy). We are 34 and 28 and live in a different country from her. As time has gone on, I understand that she was concerned for us but I cannot make myself comfortable with her. The rest of his family have been supportive but I honestly don’t know what to do. My fiance feels that she has voiced her opinion – and is fine that we have made a different choice. I hate it when he talks to her on Skype – and try and hide away in my own home. I don’t know what to say to her- I honestly feel that she hasn’t right to such an opinion. I need to sort this out because it is getting awkward. My fiance keeps asking why I haven’t responded o h Christmas text message- which I should totally do- but am procrastinating…..
please don’t be too judgemental of me 🙁
Post # 3
@polly-pocket: Don’t beat yourself up over this. You’re pregnant, planning a wedding, and have all sorts of hormones and emotions messing with you right now. The reaction you’re having isn’t really all that shocking, however, you’ve already admitted that FSIL’s heart was in the right place even if her words weren’t. Depending on one’s family dynamics she might not be seen as over stepping, especially if she is accustomed to giving her opinion. Try to tell yourself that your emotions are ok to have, but try to find it in your heart to accept that family doesn’t always say or do the right thing, and accept her despite her mistake. I really don’t think she was trying to hurt you like this, and that should help to begin to mend your hurt heart.
Baby steps. Reply to txts. Then work your way up to a cordial “hello” when your FI is skyping and try not to be upset that he is skyping her. Then slowly go from there. Don’t beat yourself up over this. She hurt you and you need time to heal. Best wishes to you.
Post # 4
@polly-pocket: Why can’t your fiance respond to her Christmas text on your behalf? “Merry Christmas from both of us, hope you had a good day, etc etc“.
Your fiance should realise she has deeply hurt you, and should be sticking up for you, including shielding you from the need to reply to her. He should be taking your side (letting you not reply) – rather than hers (pressuring you to reply).
She hasn’t merely voiced her opinion – she has said something incredibly offensive and inappropriate, and it may take time before you are comfortable talking to her. Some opinions should never be voiced.
Post # 5
Thank you so much! I just feel so hurt but so guilty that I’m ignoring her. I know that she would have no idea that I am upset :/
Post # 6
@paula1248: agreed 100%. You are handling it very well, I would be very saddened to hear a future in law suggest aborting our child (unless it was in support of a decision that my fiance and I made).
You don’t have to talk with her, but you should. Maybe your fiance can give you some insight into the family dynamic that allows her to make such a thoughtless and hurtful comment without reprocussions. As crappy as it is, you may be able to use this situation to show where the line in the sand is for her, and hopefully that will make her think twice before she thinks it is OK to comment on your parenting style and decisions.
Post # 7
You don’t have to avoid her, and certainly not in your own home (over Skype??) – come on now, that is your territory; own it. NO ONE should be able to tell you their what’s what on your turf and get away with it.
She said her bit and… guess what! It’s pretty obvious from your (plural – both of you) choices and actions that no one gives a shit about what she thinks. Just deciding to keep the baby means that her opinion in this matter is worthless.
If she insists on bringing the subject up over and over you can say something along the lines of “We’ve decided that we’re having this baby, but since you seem so adament about aborting it we will be sure to tell your little niece/nephew all about your unfailing ‘support’ when they’re old enough to understand. OR, you can come to terms with being an aunt and start being the best aunt right now – clean slate.”
And BTW, this may not be an issue with you or your FI, it may be an issue on her – maybe the fact that she’ll be an aunt means something different than what you’d expect (maybe it’s scary, or she’s not ready, or something). Or maybe she has past experiences with a couple having a child out of marriage that didn’t end well (not that that reeally means anything)
So her opinion might be rude, but it might be something said out of fear rather than her honest opinion.
ALSO, it’s a freaking TEXT MESSAGE, it’s not like you have to respond to Christmas cards, so why respond to the text??
You are not REQUIRED to respond to ANYTHING – just let this one slide.
Post # 8
At some point, and it may be awhile before you can do this, it would probably be best to let her know that while you understand her comment was out of concern that you found it overstepping the boundary of your relationship. Perhaps your FI could even make this suggestion to her. Since you hand’t asked about whether or not to continue the pregnancy, her unsolicited comment was very hurtrful to you.
Hopefully she’ll apologize and learn not to insert ‘hot topic’ suggestions into conversations where they are not solicited.
Post # 9
@polly-pocket: I know exactly what you mean!! I’m pregnant as well and can’t stand when people think they can say what they want. I may be alone here but NO ONE has a right to voice their opinion about YOUR baby!! Only you and your FI have a right to speak openly about this topic because it your child. Of course people are going to have opinions bad and good however all those bad comments do not need to be vocalized. I have issues with my in laws as well, and honestly when they text me I am so short, and that if I respond, depends on what they say sometimes I let my FI respond. Good luck
Post # 10
@polly-pocket: first off, congratulations on the pregnancy! secondly, I would be very upset if someone said that to me. I think you have handled it more maturely than I could. I would let your fiance talk to his sister about why you are upset. I don’t think yuo need to explain yourself to her at all
Post # 11
@fascinated: I read it that the sister said it to her brother (FI). In which case technically it wasn’t overstepping the relationship with OP.
Post # 12
To clarify- she did say it to my fiancé and I am not certain that she knows that I know. Thank you everyone for the answers- has made me feel much better!
I am the worst text message replier ever. I just don’t see the point of having to reply to texts with no question and a message as simple as ‘merry Christmas’ but maybe that’s just me. :/