Post # 1
This has been on my mind for a while, and I’m just trying to see it from different angles.
A facebook friend of mine (we met in an online group and have been friends for several years) has been TTC for years. By years, I mean at least 6, maybe more. Thats how long I’ve known her, and she’s been trying for all that time. She’s spent thousands of dollars on fertility treatments, none of which have worked. I dont know how much money, it’d be kind of rude to ask, but I know its a lot. My step mom just had treatments for a little over a year and it was around 10k.
But I just dont understand. If you want to be a mother that bad and are willing to spend that much money, why not adopt? I know people want their own little flesh and blood running around, but thats not the point of being a parent. I think that if you’re so desperate to be a mom, why should it matter if the child didnt come from your womb, as long as you have your baby?
This woman is in her late 30s now. If she hasnt gotten pregnant in all these years of doing treatments, then maybe its just not in the cards for her.
I dont want to say anything like that to her though, it’d be pretty insensitive. So I’m just wondering about the viewpoint of any of you who might be unwilling to adopt, even if you cant have a child of your own. And please dont take this offensively, I’m honestly just curious.
Post # 3
It could be she wants to experience being pregnant, with adoption you don’t of course get to experience any of that. And I can see her point of view in a way.
There is a difference between a child that is created by man and a woman that is flesh and blood than there is of a child who is adopted. There is always hope until she goes through menopause.
I wouldn’t really judge her, if she and her SO want to keep trying then they will.
I honestly never thought could have kids, many many issues and I ended up getting pregnant at age of 37. It can happen.
Though we talked about adopting if we couldn’t have kids
Post # 4
You can relate it to the wedding world — Instead of having a wedding, why not just elope? Instead of getting married, why not just live together?
The answer comes down to the experience. While I agree that “parenting” means taking care of a child regardless of if it is your own blood, there is a universe expanse of difference from “Bearing a child” to “simply obtaining a child.” It’s a bit of a crude way of putting it, but adoption will never be pregnancy. You simply can’t experience that if you adopt.
I can respect a person’s desire to want to get pregnant by any means. While I am also a fan of adopting, I know some people can get stuck on the “This is a child I am now taking care of” as opposed to “This is my child that I am taking care of.” It usually doesn’t “hang around” long before the person realizes that you don’t need to share DNA to be family and/or a parent.
Ultimately, it’s the couple’s choice. If they want to shell out this amount of money for the experience, well, more power to them.
Post # 5
I’m not judging her, just trying to understand. I get that you wont have some of the major bonding things, like carrying them for 9-10 months and breast feeding (that would be a big one for me.) But I’d rather adopt than have no children.
Post # 6
@allyfally: Acutally you can BF, there are things you can do to produce milk even though you didn’t give birth. I learned this when our son was in NCIU after being born early. Another little baby was in there and the mom gave up rights and the adoptive mom was taking things to help her produce milk.
Post # 7
@allyfally: Adoption is not an easy thing to do. I’m not 100% sure how it is in America but it is super hard to adopt here in Australia. As in it takes years and years if you are lucky enough to get a child, most don’t. Also there are cut off periods and stuff relating to age. So if she is in her late 30s she would likely not be eligible to adopt here anyway. Not as easy as to do as the stars make it seem unfortunately.
Post # 8
@allyfally: “But I just dont understand. If you want to be a mother that bad and are willing to spend that much money, why not adopt?”
The exact same thing could be said to those of us (like me) who had our own children. After all, the world’s populated enough as it is.
There’s no easy answer. I think it’s just a biological urge/desire to have our own children, who are mine from conception, who I went through pregnancy and breastfeeding with.
As for the cost factor, that’s pretty irrelevant because it’s dwarfed by the cost of raising a child anyway.
For adoption, time is on her side. She could easily adopt in her mid 40s or later after all other avenues have been tried. (EDIT: I apologise for using the word “easily” here. Ironically I even contradicted my next paragaph).
It may also be that in this day and age adopting isn’t easy. There aren’t many children being put up for adoption in western countries, while adopting from overseas has another whole set of issues.
Post # 9
I think my biggest thing I’m stuck on is that she’s so anti-adoption. Point blank, end of discussion. She’s had several FB statuses venting about how people keep asking if she’ll adopt and she’s all “NO NO NO.”
Maybe she’s just so full of hope that she’ll one day get pregnant, and I really hope she does. But I know that way of thinking about just bring me down and make me seriously depressed.
Post # 10
@allyfally: Infertility is an incredibly personal experience. I honestly believe that no two infertility journies are the same (even among the two people who comprise a couple) — so it’s even hard for one person who’s experiencing it to understand what another is feeling. As for adoption as an option for your friend, I think that some people just don’t have it in their hearts to adopt. I firmly believe it takes a certain kind of person. Maybe she is willing to adopt she just isn’t quite willing to give up yet on the hope that she’ll have her own child. Pursuing adoption would be admitting that it just isn’t going to happen. And as much as you know this logically in your head, it’s very hard for your heart to accept. She just might not yet be willing to face the fact that she’ll never have a biological child.
Post # 11
My fi as of right now is unwilling to adopt if we ever have trouble conceiving… His rationale is he could never raise another mans baby… However stupid and completely irrational the reasoning, thats his feelings… Im hoping if the time comes i can convince him otherwise (i have a fantastic ability to convince him to do things he wouldnt Normally do… Its great 🙂 ) ive always imagined myself adopting whether we can conceive or not… But well see.
as a note, his sister has been trying to get pregnant for over 10 years with 4 rounds of ivf and over 100k in fertility tx she still doesnt have a baby… I often wonder why they dont cosider adoption, but they may have the same mind frame as my fi…
Post # 12
As someone who is coming to realize for us it wont be as simple as accidently getting knocked up with out any effort, I dont get it. Yes, I really want to be pregnant and have our biological children, wanting to have kids period is the goal, no matter how they end up ours. I have friendswho struggled with infirtiilty, two couples decided after a year and change of trying to move on to having a family that wasnt based on genetics and have happily had their family of several adopted children (both adopted sibling groups) for over a year., and the other is into year four of cycle after cycle of heartbreak and more and more debt. Maybeit will be different when we are seriously trying not just not taking BC but for now, we wont be using any extreme meathods to get pregnant. We would rather spend the money doing an adoption and having a family that way.
Also, to add, there are a HUGE number of children avaliable for adoptiom, but there arent a huge number of white newborns (the highest “demand”) available for adoption. Thereare many many toddlers, minority babies,older children, sibling groups and special needs children who need families in the US alone, ignoring the possibility of international adoption.
Post # 13
@allyfally: personal preference is my guess. Maybe she wants to experience being Pregnant. Regardless f the reasons, it’s her right and she shouldn’t be judged for it. Maybe she’s just not ready to accept she will ever have children of her own. Fertility and child matters are very personal and Private.
Post # 14
@allyfally: “She’s had several FB statuses venting about how people keep asking if she’ll adopt and she’s all “NO NO NO.”“
I don’t blame her. It’s no one else’s business. Perhaps the vent is more about people telling her what to do with her life.
Post # 15
I would love to hear some answers on this, because I don’t really understand it either. If all someone wants in the world is to “be a mom” but they only if they can have their own biological child and they won’t consider adoption, it’s like saying, “I’m so hungry!!! …..But only for dessert.”
I do ,however, think that for a lot people it’s not just about being a mom to a child. It’s about making your own biological child. It’s biological. That drive is not something I can relate to.
I do wish that people, like your friend, who spend that much time and effort and money trying to get pregnant could be at peace with themselves and their situation and just adopt. If they have that kind of money, and they are willing to put themselves through that for a potential child, I think they would make great adoptive parents.
Post # 16
Maybe she is an adopted child. My DH is adopted and it was extremely important to him to have biological children. Our two children are the only “blood” relatives he knows.