Post # 1
Last time I posted, SO has started counseling to figure out his commitment issues. I wanted/want to know if we will be engaged by Dec. Last night we talked about his progress with the counseling sessions. He’s had 2 so far (weekly). It seems like the counselor is trying to get him to evaluate our relationship -what’s good, what’s bad, but mostly identifying the negative traits and finding a way to fix it or live with it. I’m wondering why ‘the good’ isn’t the focus of the sessions instead…?? SO said ‘you have to let it go bad before it gets better.’ Does anyone have experience with this? I’m wondering how many sessions I should realistically expect it to take (10? 20? a year??) and I’m wondering if the counselor is giving him good advice. I’m also wondering when ‘the good’ becomes the focus, too. If I had to sit for an hour with someone telling them all the bad things about my SO I wouldn’t feel too great about getting married either!
Anyway, I told him I’ll do my best to be patient for the next 10 weeks (he asked for 3 sessions but I wasn’t sure if that’s realistic so I said I’ll give it 10 more). In exchange, he’s being extra sweet to me.
I know it takes a lot for someone to seek help and to stick with it. I know he’s doing it for the sake of the relationship and to give me what I want but it REALLY hurts knowing that SO doesn’t know for sure if he’s ready to propose this year. I think the next 10 weeks or so is going to be painful.
Post # 3
@mxpinky: I’ve not done counseling myself, but I imagine it would greatly vary based on the person and to an extent, the counselor. What I can tell you is that a friend of mine went to counseling about his relationship with his wife and he was told to make a list of the pros and cons about the relationship. He did not this that was the greatest approach to the situation, so ended the therapy after only ~3 sessions… Clearly, approaches vary greatly as well, so I’d talk to your SO and ask him if he thinks he’s making progress and if he is satisfied with the approach.
Post # 4
@mxpinky: My guess is that the counselor wants to go over the “bad” first because he/she wants to talk through, figure out, and tackle those issues (and possibly turn them into positives!). Then, he/she can present your SO with all the wonderful things about your relationship. I agree to some extent that it may be best to tackle the issues first.
The issues are gonna be there whether he proposes or not, so it is a good thing that the counselor is trying to help him through them. I know it sucks…I would HATE for my SO to be probed about any negative feelings about our relationship. But try to think of it as him “tackling” them and then after that happens, he will feel more comfortable with everything and it will be so obvious to him that he should propose!
You are giving him a great gift by being patient, encouraging him and supporting him through counseling. Men who are afraid of commitment often need tough love (telling him he needs counseling and being firm with wanting to get married), but they need special care as well (being patient and understanding.)
Not an easy road, but he is AWESOME for going to counseling and being sweet to you on top of it- he loves you a lot. Stick with it girl!
Post # 5
how long have you been together? And what are the main issues? I think it would be easier for us to give feedback with this information
Post # 6
Together almost 2 years. The main (only) issue is that I want to know if we’ll be engaged by Dec but he is figuring out why he isn’t ready. I’m graduating sooner than we previously thought and since my next job will be a 2+ year position, I want to know where he is in the relationship so I can get an idea of whether/how he will play a role in my job search.