Post # 1
Just wanted to give you guys an update. My fiance and i, have been together for 9 years. Have had many issues that have come up in the past two years. He has said to me that he is not happy with me, he feels like we have grown apart…we no longer click. This was honestly out of nowhere. I had no idea he was feeling like this. I thought everything was great. As you all know this really crush me so much. He wanted to do everything he could to save this relationship. He said he felt bullied into proposing to me at a certain point…he felt pressure by family friends and people that know us and by me too. I wanted to marry him so badly because i loved him so much. I could not imagine my life without him. For the past two weeks ive felt so distant from him. We have stopped seen each other or even talking on the phone part of me believes this is over. We tried counseling for two sessions…the bottom line was the fact that i never really found my own identity. Never figured out who i am. I was always trying to work for this relationship that i forgot about myself. I hate who i am today…i dont even know this person. Ive realized that i was not able to stand alone away from this relationship. I have been an emotional wreck…first the simple fact that i have no identiy…i dont know what i am doing with my life…and the other that the love of my life may be leaving forever. I told him this weekend…that he doesnt have to stay here with me through this process…he is free to go…a part of me already let him go. He texted me earlier today stating that he is close on making his decision…and i am going crazy trying to figure it out whether he is going to pick me…i shouldnt be waiting around the phone…but i am and hoping that he is willing to stick through this with me. Its difficult enough at the moment because no one really knows anything. My parents still believe we are getting married this year…we got our first gift today from my godparents who live very far away and were not able to come to our wedding. The gift is sitting on night table stand…wrapped up so beautifully. I packed my wedding dress away..placed it somewhere in my closet. Guys i am so confuse of what will happen. He keeps saying ill make my decision soon…but soon is not enough. I want this to ache 100% or not. The not knowing part is driving me crazy. Even if we got back together i wouldnt go through with this wedding. Knowing what led him to propose to me…guys i dont know what to do. Please some advise.
Post # 3
Im sorry you are dealing with this. Love yourself a little more right now and realize this guy isn’t for you. anyone who leaves you in a state of anxious despair waiting for him to make his decision on whether or not he wants to be with you is a disgusting pig! do yourself a favor and leave this guy go and find yourself again. HUGS to you!
Post # 4
That’s so sad, I’m sorry. I think that if he loved you and wanted to be with you he would know, not need all this time to think about it.
Post # 5
You need to tell people the wedding is off so they know to stop sending gifts. Those beautifully wrapped gifts are going to make you feel bad every time you see them come in.
Take some time to figure out who you are. Dont sit around waiting for his answer, make some decisions for yourself.
Post # 6
Don’t let him have all the power and just sit there passively waiting for his answer. All it does is reinforce in your mind that you’re nothing without him and can’t be happy without him, which isn’t true. I’ve been there, done that and would never do it again. Figure out what YOU want and who YOU are! Never give the guy all the power. It angers me when guys pull a powerplay like this and make the girl wait around for their “answer”. And IMO, the answer is never what you want it to be. If it takes a long time for him to give you his answer, he’s already given it.
Post # 7
@butterfly1988: I think what he’s doing, giving you hope about getting back together, is very cruel. It’s obvious that this is NOT the right relationship for you… because you deserve a man that will LOVE you 100% and know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And you are young, you’ve never even dated anyone else.
I know how hard this hurts… I went through a terrible break up that I thought I couldn’t survive…. and two months later, I met my FI. You WILL meet the right man, I promise. Do NOT take this guy back, he does not deserve your love. It’s clear that he doesn’t want to marry you, for whatever reason. This is not going to get better with time. You don’t want to get married and then in 2 years be facing a divorce. It’s so much easier for you to split up now. It’s clear he wants to move on… let him go. Take the decision out of his hands. I promise you will not regret it.
Post # 8
You need to break up with him. Even if he ‘chooses you’, you still wont have an identity. You will always feel dependent on him to define yourself. It will be the toughest thing you will ever do, but when you look back you will realize just how great a decision it was.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry! The best advice I can give is no matter what he decides, you must find a way to move forward. Start doing things for yourself and yourself alone. If you don’t know what those things are, just try new things in general. If you learn who you are, it will be easier to love who you are. I also encourage you to stick with therapy on your own. Just talking with someone can be so helpful in this situation.
I was in a relationship for 2 years similar to yours. I couldn’t figure out how to function when the time came for us to break up, we were just so intertwined. I spent about a year focusing on my career, my friends, and my personal life in general. I got back into dating and discovered what I wanted out of a relationship and what worked for me. And then I met my FI who is without question the right person to spend my life with. Whatever happens with your current relationship, spend some time on yourself and you’ll be happier for it.
Post # 10
@butterfly1988: my advise, take back control of your life. it is completely unfair for your fi to make you wait. when guys say that, they are usually testing the waters to see if there is something better out there for them.
start living for yourself. keep yourself busy. join some groups or clubs. make some new friends. move forward.
if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen naturally.
Post # 11
@KoiKove: I agree. You need to separate in order to find out who you are. Successful relationships need two “complete” people who compliment each other. It sounds like this relationship defines who you are and neither of you will find happiness under this scenario. I know that right now its hard to imagine being happy without him but I’ve been where you are. I took a year to myself to rediscover myself and it was the best year and best investment in me that I’ve ever made.
Post # 12
@Pand0ra: I think we’ve all been there. I didn’t have really long relationships when I was younger ( usually 6 months), but at the end I would realize I didn’t know who I was. I was just so happy that somone liked me, I morphed into what they wanted.
Best book that would remind me that I needed to be a whole person is a children’s book called “The Missing Piece Meet the Big O”
Post # 13
@butterfly1988: Hughs to you!! Believe me, I’ve been there (not in such a long relationship, but in a pretty intense one). It sucks to realize you are not the one, and it sucks to realize you’ve stopped being who you are while trying super hard “to be the one”. You need to work on yourself and when you do so, along the way, someone will come and see how perfect you are for him.
I wish you the best and stop waiting for him. Make your decision.
Post # 14
Sorry you’re going through this..I wish you so much strength right now! Anyway, do not get back together with him. He said he is not happy with you…I would never entertain a relationship with someone who said that to me, period.
You should also tell your parents and the guests that the wedding is off. And if you can afford it, you should take a trip with a few girlfriends, just to get away from everything. Once you return, engage in finding yourself…acquire a few hobbies, go back to school, or do some more traveling…just anything to find YOU and keep your mind off of your ex-FI.
Post # 15
Sorry you’re dealing with this! I hope you get over him quickly and move on with your life easily!