(Closed) UPDATE: DH decided to come clean about more lies and I'm numb….

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

All I can say is that your DH needs to stop telling other people parts of what is going on. He’s leading them to think you’re nuts, and he’s an angel (obviously not the case). IF they say anything, I sure hope he tells them to stfu.

I’m so sorry, this just seems to be getting worse for you 🙁 I hope he’s told all now though and you guys can move on.

Post # 4
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Personally I don’t think I would stay with a man who, despite knowing I didn’t like prostitutes/special massages/ etc, kept it a secret and tells me AFTER we are married. It really does sound just like a dirty trick and it just wouldn’t sit well with me. Good luck with everything and I’m so sorry your christmas has been ruined 🙁

Post # 5
Member
9609 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

That is really concerning that he cheated on not just one but several of his exes. That is a huge red flag, you deserve better, hopefully Christmas will cheer you up

Post # 6
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

@texasbee:  

Well it’s a personal decision you have to make.  It probably wouldn’t bother some women, but it’d be a deal breaker for me.  Men who frequent prostitutes generally do not respect women.  They just see them as sex objects that they can purchase and do what they want with, then kick to the curb.  It disgusts me.  This wasn’t a one time experiment for him, it’s a pattern.  Add in the fact that he wasn’t even single for a lot of it…yeah I’d be gone.

Post # 9
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@texasbee:  You are most definitely NOT the only one. I know many bees have said that “it’s his past, let it go”, but it isn’t just an issue of it being his past. It’s not like you guys are still dating and he is telling you this now with intentions of just coming clean…he is telling you this after marriage. Marriage doesn’t constitute for lying or anything of the sort and I think it’s important for bee’s to realize that the bigger issue here is that he lied to you for three years about this, knowing you’d likely be upset. I’m just not sure how he stood there and looked you in the eye on your wedding day knowing he had all these secrets hidden away from you.

As for christmas I totally know how you feel. Most of the traditions are done w/ family or a loved one and it must feel pointless in the midst of this nightmare. You have been amazingly strong though..keep pushing through this and don’t feel like you did anything wrong or you are overreacting. Being lied to for three years warrants some anger! 

Post # 10
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

double post!

Post # 11
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011
Post # 12
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

@texasbee:  I am so sorry. I don’t think this is about a few poor choices that he made in the past. This is about his character, and I think if you knew the full extent of his character before your marriage, you would never have gone ahead with it.

The lying and deceit is what concerns me most. He made a deliberate choice to burn his videos onto DVD, to deceive you. That’s not a quick or easy process. That’s not a poor choice made in the moment. That is specific and deliberate process of deception and manipulation.

I know you want to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s coming clean, but he’s only coming clean because he got caught. The repair of your relationship will take so much more than just “telling the truth”. If you’re to have a chance, he needs to believe that his behaviour is wrong. His use of women is wrong. His cheating is wrong. And he needs to get help to resolve the reasons he did those things.

But he doesn’t think that he has a problem. Based on what he’s telling his friends, he’s looking for support to prove that you’re the one with the problem. He’s even got you thinking it! That’s not a relationship. That’s not a supportive, loving, respectful partner. That’s not the husband that you deserve.

Bluntly, I don’t think this man-child deserves another minute of your time. It’s an awful thing to face. I’m really sorry he’s done this to you.

Post # 13
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wow, I have done waaaaaay worse than this in my past but there is seriously No Way In Hell I would tell my husband, because it is my past. Bygones be bygones. Why is he telling you these things and why are you letting him. If my husband started bringing up his past stories like that I would Shut It Down so quick. There’s some things I just don’t wana know. Namely, the things I can do nothing about. Do yourselves a favour, don’t have these hurtful conversations again. Eeeesh.

Post # 14
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hmm.. I feel like at this point you know he has a “sordid” past, what is the point in knowing more about it. Tell him to keep it to himself, all the stuff that happened before you is of no concern, I mean you get the jist, right? 

If there is something that happened while you two were serious, or god forbid now that you are married then that is something you need to know. The rest of it… it seems like he is getting something out of telling you all this. 

Post # 15
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@KellyLouise:  So do herself a favor and ignore the fact that her husband lied to her for 3 years?

Post # 16
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s almost like you’re looking for an excuse to leave him. All this occurred before you were involved with each other.

Your ex husband also visited prostitutes?

Either forgive him and move on or leave him. This is turning into a crazy situation because you keep snooping and looking for reasons to crucify him.

If anything this last week should have taught us, it’s that life is too short to focus on things that you can’t change.

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