Post # 1
Original post is here
I sat FI down and told him how important it was that he speak to FMIL about the travel issue for the guests. He’s had a really busy time at work so he hasn’t gotten around to it, but lately she has been asking me for info and guest lists. I sent her an email that was as gently worded as possible about how long all the kids are going to have to be in the car (a minimum of 3 hours without having to travel to FMIL’s house for the rehearsal dinner) and nudging her to change venues. She thanked me for getting the email to her so quickly and I figured that she got the point. Last night she posted on facebook about selfish people who just complain about what they have and what they aren’t getting. I can’t say with any certainty that the post was about me, but not an hour after that post hit her wall she texted me saying that she decided to have the rehearsal dinner catered but still at her house!
I am a people pleaser and I HATE when people are upset with me so I feel sick to my stomach about this whole situation! FI says he will talk to her today. I just don’t know how she took the understanding that the food was the issue. I can’t believe the stupid rehearsal dinner is what is causing the most stress out of all the wedding plans!
Post # 3
Just read your original post and now this follow up …
I know how frustrating this is to you. It’s probably equally frustrating to your FMIL who, for whatever reason, really really really seems to want to host this at her house. Maybe this is just not a battle worth fighting?
Or maybe you and FI need to ask them to rent a shuttle bus to provide safe transportation for the guests back and forth from downtown? Maybe that will either a) be an acceptable compromise that ensures everyone’s safety and cuts down on the driving, if not the time; or b) make them realize that, yeah, actually, it is a big logistical hassle to do it at their place?
Post # 4
I second rent a bus. Just get a bus and give everyone a bag of popcorn on there way in and have some fun with it. I know this will take time from your schedual but atleast your inlaws are trying to be part of your wedding. I found out today my inlaws invited someone to come and never told me about it.
Post # 5
That’s what you get for gentle words. “FMIL, we are so happy that you want to host our rehearsal dinner and I am sorry that you misunderstood my earlier email. My concern is not the food and drinks that you were planning on serving but is the traveling 45 minutes to your home and then another 45 minutes back to within 3 blocks of where we started for the welcome dinner.
Our preference is to keep the party downtown so that we’re not spending undue amounts of time traveling and coordinating car rides when we could be spending that time together celebrating. I worry about the children being trapped in a car for that long as well–they will have already spent 3 hours in the car that day and another 90 minutes could be the tipping point. If you’d prefer not to host somewhere other than your home, we totally understand and can take care of the rehearsal dinner ourselves.”
Post # 6
Is it possible to serve sandwiches at the rehearsal location or room at one of the hotels?
It doesn’t make sense for people to drive 45mins each way. Also anyone who does anything in a big group it going to take forever to wrangle and organize everyone. It doesn’t make sense. Let your Fi deal with you, at a certain point it becomes too stressful. He needs to say to his parents thanks but no thanks.
Post # 7
@zomgwut: yes, yes, yes, yes. Perfect. Do this, OP.
Post # 8
@cant.wait.to.be.mrs.d: I remember your first post, sorry this isn’t going better for you! I like the wording that @zomgwut: used if it’s still an issue you want to fight. At this point you can either stand your ground (which I agree makes a lot more sense) or let it go. Obviously standing your ground would involve possibly paying for the event. Honestly, the passive agressive facebook message would likely tip me in the direction of standing my ground.
And I know you said your FI has been busy, but try to get him in the line of fire here. Things coming from a son/daughter can be taken a lot different from things coming from an in law.
Post # 9
My bet (without knowing your FMIL) is that it’s a two-fold issue: one, she wants the optics of being the host, putting in the effort, etc (having it at her house), but doesn’t want to spend a ton (having it at her house).
Honestly, I would flat out ask her why it is so important to her to have it at her house. It is possible she has a legit reason…maybe she feels bad because things didn’t work out with the engagement party? I don’t think she’s trying to upset you…I would tread lightly. I think you have the potential to offend her here if you keep insisting on NOT having it at her house (not that you don’t have good reason). Eventhough it isn’t exactlly what you want I do think she is trying to do something nice.
Post # 10
@zomgwut: Perfect! Thank you!
@TwoCityBride: We are getting married in a park and just premaking sandwiches and lemonade was what we originally wanted, but FMIL doesn’t like that plan.
@Natalieh86: FI says he is stepping in. He didn’t understand that it was becoming such an issue.
Post # 11
I don’t think you are going to be able to avoid making this a big issue between you and FMIL if you push to do it your way. It sucks, but in the big scheme of things, you have to choose your battles and this is one she will remember.
I third the bus/large passenger van suggestion. My sister owns a transportation business in Moreland, GA and they do a lot of business with wedding parties.
I’m sure she’s probably out of your area, but you might could give her a call and she could offer you some alternatives in your area since that’s where her son’s father’s family is from.
Ask for Kristi or Tommy
Seriously, I’m not a vender, but since Moreland isn’t that far from Columbus and she knows the area, Kristi really might be able to help you out as far as finding transportation for everyone with as little effort as possible.
Post # 12
FMIL is being unreasonable. A park is a perfect location. If she was doing it at her home to save money she probably is not going to want to spring for shuttle buses. Those things can be expensive because you per hr. Not only that it is just completely lacking in logic and reason. To go back forth for 45mins each way when you are having a welcoming party at six.
Perhaps another way to do it, is to ask FMIL to logistically how it’s going to work, and what her exact plans are for oot guest without acess to cars, what her plans are for serving alcohol to guest who are then going on a 45min drive. Perhaps by framing it that way she is going to able to come to the conclusion on her own that it doesn’t make sense.
Also it might be possible that she thinks it about her making the sanwiches if she now having it catered. Try to have him stress to her that her ideas on the food are ok, but its the logistically aspescts you guys are worried about. Another issue if this wedding is on Friday, after guest have been to work and traveled, and have young children who may get fussy, its another inconvenience that they can’t just discretely slip away to get sleep and get ready for the next day, when they are being taken to a location so far away.
You are being reasonable. Let your Fi handle it from here on out. Hopefully she comes to her senses soon.
Post # 13
Between your FMIL’s passive-aggressive fb post and the unwillingness to be flexible, I think you should just host your own RD.
Post # 14
I would like to hire zomgwat to deal with my own MIL 🙂 she said it perfectly!