Post # 1
So as some of you know I had a phone interview last week with a great school district in Colorodo. It was very quick and I felt as though it was a screening interview. Before we hungup the principal asked if I wanted to come out next week to meet face to face. I told her I would look into flights, gather up some questions, and let her know.
Now, SO and I have an amazing relationship and he is the one. So when discussing how horrible teaching jobs are near Chicago, we agreed together that there were several states we would be willing to move together to. Now, we live about 45 mins away from one another and moving in together seems like the next step.
However, now that the opportunity has presented itself SO is acting weird. We found out on Friday and he said he hated IL anyway and was really happy and excited. We didn’t talk about it again till Saturday night. He said that it was a big decision and that he didn’t know when he could come out. I said if I would have known this I may not have applied out of state. We discussed LDR and how in the past we have both had very bad experiences with them. Then he said “Sometimes love just isn’t enough”. I got so upset, I gathered up my things and left.
He then calls and says that I would be going for a job but he wouldn’t have any prospects. What woud happen if 6 months go by and he is still 27 years old and jobless. He doesn’t have enough money saved to where he could still pay school loans and bills and live that way without a job for a year. That was concern number one. Concern number two comes from me leaving. He says, what happens if 6 months into it you get upset and leave or kick me out. Then I am fucked. Then he added how this would be completely trusting someone with everything and he has never done that la la la (i thought he did trust me). He says how it is a huge decision and how he is feeling pressured to make it now.
To me, this all screams: I don’t know if I want to marry you and if I move with you I have to stick with you, which I don’t know if I want to.
When I expressed this to him he said that it is not about love nor about wanting to marry me and it is not fair that I bring this into it. It is about being jobless and all that.
I don’t know if I’ll get the job. Now, I don’t even know if I want to go. SO is at work (he works S – T) and I can’t even talk to him for 5 more hours.
I don’t know what to do bees! if i go that could be the end and i do not want this perfect relationship to end because of some job I get 25 hours away – however I do not want to turn down the opportunity and not get a teaching job this year here and resent it and be upset.
Post # 3
I think your FI has some very valid concerns and your both need to be supportive of each other. Put yourself in his shoes and think about what you would be going through, if you were in the same situation as him. It is not that he doesn’t love you and want to commit to you. It is that he will feel like less of a person, if things don’t come together for him to. Right now, you don’t even know if you have the job, yet, so just try to keep an open mind and be supportive of him and validate his feeling. IMO, they are justified. I would feel the same way as him, if I were in his place.
Post # 4
@noritake22: You are so right. I am such a planner I am freaking out and now I do not know if I even want to to the interview. I mean if I go and get it then I just get to freak out all over again because I can not imagine leaving him.
I feel all conflicted inside. I wish I could talk to him but I can’t and it is driving me nuts.
Post # 5
I agree with Noritake. He’s just nervous, because, he wants to be able to support himself. I think his concerns only affirm solid character, really. Dont freak out yet.
Post # 6
I can see where he’s coming from; I’m sure it’s always scary to be the 1 to “follow” the other partner when you’re not engaged. It is definitely a big move, & it seems like he is having to make the decision quickly.. like, you got the interview & within the next week you’re going out there & may have to make a decision within another week. It’s easier for you, because you’ll already be set with a job… he, on the other hand, would just kind of be blindly following you out there with no job prospects, etc… which is a valid concern, especially with having loans etc.. to pay off.
I don’t think what he’s saying is “I don’t know if I want to marry you and if I move with you I have to stick with you, which I don’t know if I want to. ” I don’t think that’s it at all; He’s concerned that YOU might decide you’re living in this great new place with a great new job, & maybe he won’t fit into the picture anymore with your “new life” so to speak. I’m not saying this is the case, and to you, it may seem absurd that he would think that because you know he’s the one, but to him, picking up & moving 25 hours away, without any job prospect, & without being engaged or anything, I think it’s a much scarier idea for him.
I think you BOTH have COMPLETELY valid points, but it is definitely much scarier for him. It sounds like he’s trying to be responsible since he has payments he has to make, but you also need to be thinking of your career, too.
Is there anyway you could move out there for this job, & then he can start looking for jobs & move out there when he finds one? One of my old college roommates did that with her boyfriend; he moved back home to Boulder, CO but she couldn’t find a job out there at first. She moved back home, & then 4 or 5 months later ended up getting a job there & moved out there.
Post # 7
I’m on the other side of the fence on this one. Did he know you were applying and interviewing, and he was super supportive the whole time? I get that he might be nervous about going somewhere new, but it sounds like he totally changed his tune! I’d expect him to say “okay well the next step is looking for me a job! this sounds great, let’s see what I can find to come with you” not “sometimes love just isn’t enough”.
Be confident, don’t give up on a great opportunity for someone who won’t stick with you.
Post # 8
Also this part:
He says, what happens if 6 months into it you get upset and leave or kick me out. Then I am fucked. Then he added how this would be completely trusting someone with everything and he has never done that la la la (i thought he did trust me). He says how it is a huge decision and how he is feeling pressured to make it now.
Ugh weddingbee cutting me off! This part makes me wonder if you don’t have a history of him not wanting to move forward and you dragging him along. Do you all argue enough to give him reason to think you would kick him out? I would be wary of moving cross-country with someone with whom I fought often. Are you pressuring him into a lot of things? Or is he just having cold-feet now that the time has come?
Post # 9
I understand him being upset but you both need to think about what your careers are in and who will have the harder time finding a job. I’m not sure what he does, but you will probably have a harder time with all the layoffs in school districts.
My husband and I had to move across the country 2 years ago for his job because he had no prospects where we were. I went to school for a year, and then found a job. It isn’t in my career field and I won’t stay long term but it hopefully will help me find something later.
Post # 10
Would it be a possibility for “if” you get the job to move by yourself first. Then, while he continues to work where he is he can look for a job near you? That way he wouldn’t have to worry about being jobless. I understand long distance is hard but if it is meant to be as you feel then you could do that for 3 or 4 months while he applys to jobs.
His attitude towards the whole thing is disappointing but he has valid fears and the two of you would need to have more than just 1 serious conversation about this. Go to the interview and be very candid about needing plenty of information to be well informed before you decide to make a cross country move. Then weigh all of your options, pros and cons for all aspects of your life and then do what will put you in the best possible situation.
Post # 11
@kt23525: Thank you so much! I was beginning to think I was some weirdo for feeling the way I do. i do realize he has valid concerns, but I do too.
@bookworm88: It is strange because he suggested moving and when I told him about the interview he said he was so excited and happy about it. We rarely fight or argue. I mean I can count on one hand the number of times in a year and 5 months. We are always on the same page ya know. I think it may have freaked him out that I left. I left tho because I didn’t want it to turn into a huge fight. Maybe that was not the best idea.
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: That is true, and what a lot of you other bees said too. I guess my first reaction was, I can barely stand not seeing you everyday, how am I supposed to not see you for months. Especially since we both have had bad LDR experiences in the past.
I did look at the school calendar and school starts the second week of aug, with a break in oct, a thanksgiving break, and then like 17 days off for Christmas. My parents already said they would go there for thanksgiving because we have family there and that he could come. Then I would come home for christmas break and he could just come back with me. That way I would have time being a new teacher at a new school and he would have time to save up and look for a job. So I guess that isn’t that bad in the big scheme of things. ]
I think I would just have a fear that he would never come….which I never thought our relationship was headed down the break up road at all ever, so I think the thought of LDR has me freaking out.
I am going to see him tonight and we are going to talk. I plan on listening to his concerns and issues and hopefully we will figure something out together.
Post # 12
I think this is a very good thing, because it is obviously getting some issues out in the open that really needed to surface. If you are on a wedding chat board, you are clearly looking to marry this guy. He is obviously not sure. This job could be what makes or breaks you – regardless of whether you get the job. He may realize that you aren’t the one – and honestly, better now than later. Why waste more time??
Post # 13
Also, Colorado and IL are not that far away from each other. A 2 hour cheap flight isn’t the end of the world.
Post # 14
@miss. eire: I’m glad you guys are going to talk about this more tonight. Like @crayfish said, a 2 hour flight is not “the end of the world” and it sounds like you are trying to plan ahead to see what times will work well for seeing each other. Working in the school system is definitely nice for that sort of thing; getting those few days off for Thanksgiving & 2.5 weeks off for Christmas. Where in Colorado would you be working? I know Southwest often has deals for cheap flights out of Denver.
I think it’s definitely times like these that kind of make or break a couple & you really figure out where you’re headed. In my grad school class, there were 17 of us coming in, and I think only 2 came in that weren’t in a serious relationship or already engaged/married. The majority of the girls ended up being in a LDR with their boyfriends/fiancees because they had to make the decision that was best for them (all of us in the program were offered amazing financial aid packages that essentially made it so we only paid $700/semester for grad school) at that point in their lives, even if it meant being apart from their significant others. However, still being on a school schedule allowed them to be able to visit during breaks when we had a little bit of time off. The overwhelming majority did stay with their boyfriends & 7 of us got engaged, but 2 or 3 did go through breakups (but have subsequently started dating new people & are very happy!).
It’s just kind of that point in your lives where you’ve been together for x amount of time & a big life change is coming up & you have tough decisions to make. You want to do what’s best for you but you don’t want to sacrifice the relationship either. You two will decide what’s best for you as a couple, & maybe he just needs a little bit of time to wrap his head around moving a few states away; it can definitely be intimidating moving away from all your friends & family.
Good luck & keep us posted on what happens! 🙂
Post # 15
Well, it is offical, I am a crazy person lol. We got together and I very calmly told him how I felt. Turns out there was some misscommunication. Apparently he thought that I wanted him to come out there now without a job and have me support him and that would be trusting someone with everything. I didn’t know he thought that and therefore thought he meant he didn’t want to go with me and that he didn’t trust me.
He said that if he could find a job tomorrow, he would go tomorrow and that there is no doubt in his mind that he wants to be with me, move with me, and get married one day, however the whole job thing was the problem. When he said “sometimes love isn’t enough” he meant that if I was supporting him and he didn’t find a job and time kept passing it would probably add a lot of stress and things would go sour.
So lesson learned……he thinks very logically and I think very emotionally. I need to stop and think before freaking out and most important we can talk like adults without arguring and fighting. It was a great night and we made a plan together.
As far as the job itself. There are two positions and 3 people. So 2/3 chance! Any suggestions or tips? I am super nervous. My interview is Friday!
Post # 16
I’m glad the talk went well. Just be youself on the phone and remember it’s okay to pause and think about a question instead of ummmmmmmmmming.