Weddingbee boards

Update from my post here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/he-cheated-on-me-last-weekend

I owe you guys a load of thanks. I was in hysterics two days ago, hadn't slept for like 30 hours or something, and was too emotional and shamed to talk to anyone in my life about my fiance's infidelity. Yet you all gave me so many supportive, constructive, wise, considerate comments. I'm shocked by how strangers can be so kind to each other; it makes the cynicism in me really fade. Thank you.

I'm ending our relationship. I woke up at 5:00 AM on Father's Day, and the first thing that popped into my head, after finally falling into a dead sleep, was, "I have to move on."

I got up and wrote in my journal, and, amazingly, didn't cry. I didn't feel peaceful - not by a long shot - but I felt calmer. After a while, I put on my favorite pink hoodie, grabbed my puppy, and crept out of the house for a walk. When I came back home, I put on coffee for my parents (I just graduated from college and I'm living here until I can find a job) and checked my phone. He hadn't even called me the night before. I felt bad, but I realized that a text or a voicemail wouldn't change things anyway. It's still over.

My dad was amazing to me on what was supposed to be a day celebrating him. Instead of going to church and then lunch as we'd planned, he told my mother he wanted us to go have breakfast at my favorite place, and insisted on nothing else. We gave him gifts that afternoon and he hugged me and said, "The greatest gift I have is you, your siblings, and mom." That's when I lost it, even though I was trying so hard not to.

That night my grandparents on my mom's side came over, and I told them the wedding was off. It was so weird. I didn't tell them the details; I just said that my fiance and I had decided to break up. Hearing the words out of my own mouth felt strange. I can't imagine having to do it again and again and again. Somehow I'll have to.

This morning I logged onto WeddingBee and read all your comments, and took them all into consideration. Did I really want to end the relationship altogether? Couldn't we just take a break?

And then he called me. And I looked at his name on my cell and realized I could NEVER trust him again. Even if I forgave him, what he did to us, how he hurt us, would forever be in my head. I remember watching that silly Sex and the City movie, where Kim Cattrall's character broke it off with her boyfriend by saying, "I love you, but I love myself more." In a way, I found her statement a bit selfish. I remember thinking that real love for another person means giving them all of you and putting them above yourself.

Now I see she may have a point.Or maybe she and I (rather, the writer of the line, and I) are both right. True love means being selfless. But when you can't put yourself second to someone else, maybe it's not meant to be.

I didn't take his call. I couldn't do it. Not yet. And I'm glad I didn't, because what happened next was the definition of adding insult to injury.

UPS came to the door. The package was for me. I signed for it, and saw that it was from my OTHER grandparents, who live in the midwest.

The note said, "Darling grandaughter: We're sorry we can't be at your engagement party on the 4th, but we'll see you on dad's birthday in August. In the meantime, we think you'll like what's in this box. When you were four years old, you took some of grandma's china out of the hutch and made a tea party for all your dolls, and created invitations for us to come along as well. On the invitations you wrote, 'Please come to tea because you are special and you make me smile!' We knew then that you would grow up to be a gracious, lovely woman with a loving heart - we couldn't have been more right! We hope to be invited to all your future tea parties in your new home, because you are special to us, and always make us smile. Give our love to (FI's name) and we'll see you soon."

I pull out what's inside, and even though I knew what it would be from the note, it still felt like a punch to the stomach.

It was my a 5 piece set of my formal china. The platinum banded, delicately floral patterned, Wedgwood English Lace design that we'd put on our registry just weeks before my world came crashing down. I cried. Not in a, "OMG, I don't get to keep this pretty china, woe is me," sort of a way. I cried because this was the pattern I'd hoped to pass on to my own daughter someday. I cried because I'd dreamed of serving my first Christmas dinner on this china, as my FI sat accross the table from me and smiled. I cried because this was the china we'd selected together, this was the china we'd wanted in our new home after we became man and wife.

Whoever first coined the phrase, 'Timing is everything' sure wasn't kidding.

This is long, sorry. Anyway, I'm going to call him tonight. I'm sort of trying to get myself psyched up for it. He's called twice more in the time it's taken me to type this. I know when I call him back, I'm going to let him know it's really, truly over, and that everything I said when he first told me he cheated on me wasn't said in anger.

I'll be 23 a week from today. I graduated from a good college with a BA and I can get a job as soon as I get serious about hunting for one. I was waiting until after our engagement party next month, but now I have nothing but time to concentrate on me for once. For two years, I have lived my life for him. I have given him all of me, in every single meaning of that phrase. He loves me. But he didn't love me enough to remember that love when he was weak and tempted. Mistakes happen. But there are some wounds time and even love cannot heal. Better to take them away with me as I go off on my own, scarred and, yes, scared, but wiser for it all. Now is the time for me to live for ME, and me alone. I've never done that before. Maybe all this happened because I need to, before it's too late.

So wish me luck, ladies of this board, those who commented and will comment and haven't and will not. I think that someday, I'll be fine. Someday, I hope, the right man WILL come along, a man like my dad, my grandfather, my brother, and one of my good friends. A good, decent man who will love me completely. And when he finds me, I will be a better person than I was and am today. He won't save me, because I'm going to save myself, change myself, and see myself more fully than ever.

Thanks for reading. I'm off to go close this chapter of my life forever and begin again.

Love,

Amy.