Weddingbee boards

Some of you may remember that I got a diamond ring that looks like an engagement ring from my SO and though he was proposing when he wasn't. I came here sad, and upset and everyone was confused at his actions and sympathetic for me.

Anyway, I thought I would update on what happened to the ring. Suggestions on the boards were to not wear it, exchange it, etc... so, what did I do??

SO and I talked again and I mentioned some of the things you lovely bees suggested. He looked at me and basically ripped me a new one. He explained how much he loved me, what the ring meant to him (a token of how much he loves me), and how ungreatful it is to be upset that it wasn't an e-ring. He went on to list all the things he does for our little family (us and the kids) and I really felt like a jerk. He also pointed out some things that I don't care to share. Suffice it to say, I felt like a jerk.

This man who loves me spent money to buy me a beautiful ring. No, it wasn't an engagment ring, but it IS a symbol of his love to me and, for now, it's enough. I wear it everyday proudly and have gotten over the "that looks like an e-ring" comments. He also pays attention to the ring... if I don't wear it, he notices it... if it needs cleaning he notices. It means A LOT to him that he did this for me.

And, no, I don't think it's his way of stalling and engagement or anything like that. For some reason, I am even MORE confident than I was before that I won't be unengaged forever. So, alls well that ends well and sometimes things aren't as bad as they seem.

I am blissfully happy and while diamonds may not be my bestfriend, they sure are pretty on my finger!

Agree w/ Girlwitharing -

I don't think it makes you "ungrateful" to be somewhat sad it isn't an e-ring... seriously, what did he expect you to think when you opened the box? 

I hope he could at least acknowledge where you were coming from, I don't think you were "in the wrong" to feel the way you felt.

Yeah I have to agree with "Girlwitharing" . We dont mean to not be happy for you but why did you come on here and say how you were in the wrong because HE said so when you had many girls who were on your side???? hmmm doesnt sound too good. But hey if your happy.....

Why is he "ripping you a new one" - that's not cool under any circumstances...  You were there, so you know better, but... I hope he wasn't as angry as it seems - maybe you meant he wasn't SO angry as the words make it seem.  BUT you were voicing your feelings.  Most guys know you stay far away from diamond rings unless you are proposing - I think any woman in your position would have reacted just the same way.  I am glad things calmed down, but I wouldn't totally discount your feelings - if some guy broke out a diamond ring, I would 1000000% think he was proposing and then feel really weird when I found he wasn't.  To me, I think your feelings were valid, and I hope your SO can get to a place where he respects that.

I'm actually pretty blown away with what I percieve to be the negative responses to my being happy. Why a group of women would jump to assume that 1.) my feelings were never validated by him, I somehow changed my mind or he was "angry" with me is beyond me. I guess we all interpret things as we do and tone is hard in type. But, bees, keep in mind that every single detail of a conversation isn't spelled out in a post. Sometimes I think bees read too much into every single detail. And, obviously, no one gets my tone or humor in this post, so I'll explain.

FWIW, I never said I was WRONG for how I felt (@MsFlipFlops). He never said I was WRONG for how I felt and no he didn't "rip me a new one" for how I felt and, no, he wasn't "angry." How I felt (and feel) WAS (and IS) VALID. The manner in which this ring was presented to me seemed like a proposal so it's only natural that ANYONE would be disappointed.

That said, there is also another person in this realtionship, with another point of view. For whatever warped guy reason he thought it was a good idea. As I said in the initial post, he realized that it could potentially be taken as something it wasn't and, yes, he used bad judgment on his part.

BUT... it didn't come from some malicious place and that was his point. And his feelings are EQUALLY VALID as mine, and it did make me feel like a jerk. This man, who works a normal job and doesn't spend a lot on himself EVER, who got me a VERY EXPENSIVE present and I cried about it for DAYS because it didn't mean what I wanted it to mean, although at the same time it did (that he is madly in love with me).

If none of you at all think that's a little bit ungreatful, or can even attempt to see WHY that might be hurtful to him, then that's you. And he was HURT. He was probably more hurt than I was, to be honest.

And if the whole engagement thing is to be about love and committing yourself to someone, then really being SO upset about a ring (how many married people don't wear rings???), to me, is a little silly. I was crying for DAYS, bees. DAYS... not a day.

For me, I feel like this was a wake-up call of sorts. It's really not about the ring, but the man. I want the man MORE than I want the ring. And if he did this great picking out a "just because" I can only imagine what the real thing will be like. And the real thing will come. This I'm sure.

@beekiss: I'm not sure what I said that was "attacking," but, again, people will interpret how they choose. If I offended anyone or if anyone felt "attacked" then I am deeply apologetic.

@beekiss: I'm not going to go back and forth with you. As I said, if anyone feels attacked by my post then I apologized. Yeesh! (And I did see your post before you edited it.)

@mrbee: Speaking for myself, I think it does sound like she was not being treated with respect.  Even if his feelings were hurt, "ripping her a new one" and making her feel like a jerk is not respectful.  I read her post feeling so bad about how the whole thing went down (no matter who hurt who) and was very surprised to get to the end where she said she was blissfully happy. 

I think everyone just really got my tone wrong and in the future I'm going to be super cautious with how I say things so they're not misunderstood.

1.) We did not argue. There was NO yelling. My "ripped me a new one" was how I felt because I did feel like a jerk. When he explained how my actions made him feel I felt bad I felt like a jerk.

2.) He had already validated my feelings. He did the very moment he knew I was upset. He explained his thought process and reasoning the day he gave it to me (which I think I said in my inital post). We talked about it again the next day as well (after I posted) and the next day... and the next day... lol. I never said he was upset with me for being dissapointed it wasn't an e-ring. He KNEW that was a potential outcome of that present and he owed it and took responsibility for that part of it. However, after DAYS of my crying and moping (and I literally cried for DAYS, bees!!!) he felt like it was overboard, and it hurt him. AND he actually offered to return the ring, but *I* declined. My feelings were/are valid and his feelings are EQUALLY valid.

He explained the way he felt, validated my feelings, but that wasn't enough for me. I cried for DAYS and, at that point, he already said why he chose that present, that he realized how I felt and so on. At that point, what else could he do? Also, if I'd made a mistake (even if I should have known my actions could have caused it) and I tried to fix it and explain my thought process, and he still kept harping on it, I imagine that I would be pretty hurt too. What more can you say after I'm sorry? And, his intentions with the ring were good... to buy me something expensive that would make me happy, and something I would like.

3.) No one will ever know why he made the choice to get the ring other than that "he wanted to buy it for me" and he's a guy and they do dumb things. He won't be the first guy or the last guy to buy their GF a ring when he doesn't intend to propose (at that time). And, no, none of us bees (or women in general) will ever understand it. One of my BFFs says she feels like subconciously he wants to get an e-ring and that was like his first step. I'm not rationalizing it that way. I'm just accepting the fact that guys do dumb things. It seemed like a good idea at the time; it wasn't. Life goes on.

4.) No, this will not turn into my e-ring. It is a ring with a specific feeling and sentiment attached to it.

5.) I don't have any issues with the fact that we live together and are not engaged at this point. If anyone does, that's their issue -- not mine. My issue was purely the confusion that it caused and the let down that, no, that was not the moment. That said, the events have only renewed my faith in our relationship and how we feel about each other.

6.) I am not deluding myself into thinking I'm happy. I was happy and content with my relationship (and where it is for the time being) BEFORE the faux proposal so why would I be any less happy now? I didn't return the ring because it's pretty and it was given to me by someone who loves me to bits. Sure, I could hold on to the disappointment that it's not THE ring, but how does that serve me? How does that serve my relationship? Is that going to make him propose any faster? No, it's not. And it's pretty and sparkly.

Thank you all for your thoughts and opinions.

Curlydreamer..I am so glad that you are happy and are moving forward from this.  I don't think you need to justify the situation to us...we just want the best for you!  Good Luck with everything!! :) 

So so happy for you!!! 

“Is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”  -Mark Twain