UPDATE: help, my FI just found out. He has an 8 year old child

posted 2 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

nessdawwg:  Gosh what a roller coaster. I can’t imagine how hard all of this has been for you guys! I have a family member going through an awful custody dispute and it’s heartbreaking. 

Stay strong and positive and continue to support each other. I wish you guys all the best xx

Post # 3
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

That breaks my heart, I’m so sorry for your FI. 

Post # 4
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

nessdawwg:  I’m sorry to hear that… I hope that she comes around someday. Unfortunately sometimes the other person holds all the cards

Post # 5
6446 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I was hoping for a better update, I feel bad for your FI. I hope that the mom comes around eventually so he can get to know his son.

Post # 6
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I’m afraid that you may have to play the long game here. I would start by saving your money to try and prove paternity. I say this because that cock and bull story about needing money for medicine strongly suggests to me that the mother of this boy is on drugs. If person A says “I need money for XYZ” and person B says “I can’t give you money, but I can give you XYZ, no problem” and A then rejects this offer, that says to me that A is spinning a yarn and wants money for a purpose that B would not approve of.

With this in mind, I don’t think you need to do anything in a hurry. If you can at least prove paternity then it may be that this woman falls foul of the law at some point in the future. If she is imprisoned or otherwise unable to care for her children, this could provide you with an opportunity to sweep in and get custody. But you have to prove paternity first…

Good luck!

Post # 7
163 posts
Blushing bee

Did you not get a paternity test done to prove he was the father?  would this not stand up in court? (i may be completely of the mark there as i know very little about custody battles)

So sorry your FI is having to put up with her, I agree with PP it sounds like she is on drugs what mother would say she needs meds for her child but when offered the meds refuse it… i think shes a big game player and its so sad to do that when children are involved.

Wishing you and your FI all the best going forward I hope there is a light at the end of this tunnel for you.

Post # 8
5208 posts
Bee Keeper

nessdawwg:  So the Mom shows up out of the blue with “surprise! You have a son”, strings him and his family a long, then acts like it never happened? People like this end me into a rage. I’m betting that she was hoping your FI would decide that he needs to drop his life and decide he wants to marry her because of the kid, but when that didn’t happen, she decided to take her “bait” back and cut the line. Nice way to treat your kid like a pawn in a game.

I am so heartbroken for your FI. If there really is no way to sue for visitation, what you guys need to do is buy him cards on his birthday, gifts, what ever you feel like. Keep them for him. Some day he will come looking for your FI, and you can show him he was never forgotten about. 

Post # 9
3014 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your FI.  I seem to recall that your FI had offered to give her money monthly – did he do that/is he still doing that? That money should help you pay for court if need be, if your FI isn’t officially claimed as “the father” she should have no claim to the money so he should be able to take her into small claims court and get it back in order to use it to prove he is the father. (At least it works in my head).

Post # 10
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

There may be associations of father’s rights that could help you out.

Post # 11
715 posts
Busy bee

nessdawwg:  So sorry you + FI are going through this. Why did his ex get in touch in the first place, if she’s not ready / willing to have their son meet FI. Makes me really angry 🙁 hang in there!

Post # 12
1473 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know anything about the courts and such… but in your last post you said he had a paternity test done and it was positive. Isn’t that proof of paternity?

Is it possible that this woman doesn’t actually have a son and is just wanting money out of your FI? (I may watch too many soap operas)

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  MrsCallalily.
Post # 13
1473 posts
Bumble bee

Also, the courts wouldn’t prevent your FI from having shared custody with his son unless there was a big reason. Even if he is a stranger, your FI has rights.

Post # 14
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry this isn’t a happier update 🙁  I think that PPs have some great ideas, though — especially the idea of writing him birthday cards etc. every year and just keeping them. I think your FI should also write him long letters talking about how he feels — how he is so frustrated and heartbroken that he doesn’t get to meet him, etc. Because someday, even if it isn’t for 10 years or 20, this boy will come looking for his father. And when that day comes, I think it could be so meaningful and emotional for them both if your FI has ‘proof’ that he cared and that he loved his son from the first moment he found out about him. I think the act of writing the letters and cards could itself be therapeutic for your FI.

Wishing you luck, and wishing there was somehow something we could do to help 🙁

Post # 15
332 posts
Helper bee

I would be hesitant to even believe that this is his child. Honestly. Until she is a more active and enthusiastic participant in making this a child a part of your SO’s life, I wouldn’t believe a thing she says. Period. 

There is a 50:50 chance that this woman is completely full of it. I also know a woman who strung TWO men along, both believing they were the father of her child for years… She simply wasn’t certain which one was the Dad, and decided to milk both financially. It wasn’t until one found out about the other guy and demanded paternity that she actually fessed up. So, yeah, I’d want facts before I’d get all caught up in this mess emotionally.

Personally, I would pay the $2k (save if you have to) just to determine if it’s his kid. He may be heartbroken over a situation that may prove to be totally unrelated to him. If so, than you saved him a lifetime of heartache. If paternity proves he is the father after all, than he can decide how he wants to proceed, if at all.

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