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Yep, I realized that my personal dignity was too valuable to keep throwing away to someone who didn't have a clear picture of what he wanted.
I went to his place tonight, and told him it's very hard for me to continue growing in our relationship when I don't know if there's a future. He told me I need to live in the moment, and not worry about the future, that there are no guarantees in life, etc. I said it's hard to be happy in the present when I feel there is no future, etc.
He said he could die tomorrow in an accident, he could develop cancer, and what is the point of planning anything if there's no way to guarantee it? His answer is just so crazy I decided not to argue any further.
He then said that my asking for a timeline makes him stressed out and unhappy, and he becomes more "unsure" about me when he is unhappy.
Basically, when I assert my needs, it makes him unhappy. In order for me to make him "happy", I have to pretend my needs don't matter. 99% of our fights are started when I express myself in a respectful way.
But I am feeling fine! I feel dignified, and more whole than I have felt in a long time. I actually had a conversation with myself and asked myself what the heck was I thinking? I used to be terrified of being alone and starting over but I'm actually okay with it!
The only thing that really bothers me is thinking of him meeting someone else, marrying her and giving her everything I always wanted from him. He wants to be friends, and I wouldn't mind, but I think I would bawl my eyes out if I find out another girl "won him over". Dumb, I know. That thought is what will keep me up at night, not so much that I miss/love him. Does that say anything?
And the WB responses HELPED SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!! I know for certain I could not have done it without this board. If I bring this up to friends/family, they will tell me what a great guy he was and not really get it! Thanks everyone! I will continue to visit and answer posts because this board is just so inspirational.
I'm glad you feel good about the decision you made. We don't mind if you still hang out!
I am so glad that you decided to leave. If he does meet another woman and marry her? So what. At least your wants and needs aren't being restricted by him. What you said to him makes perfect sense and was totally logical and respectful - his answers weren't. No point in planning a future because he could die tomorrow? Right. And saying that he is more "unsure of you" when you express your opinion is emotional blackmail.
Good job woman! Keep your head up - plenty of men out there who love a woman who can assert herself and her needs.
I am happy for you. It sounds like you really made the best decision for YOU. You can now focus on your life and one day find the real Mr. Right.
You sound like you're confident in your decision. Good for you! Actually, you sound more than confident--you sound fantastic! Here's to a fresh start. :)
Yeah, I drove the 70 miles home in my pajamas. I was supposed to spend the night. I always scripted in my brain what our breakup would be like, and it involved me sobbing hysterically and calling him, begging for another chance because I can't live without him. About 30 minutes into the drive, I was almost yelling at myself for allowing this situation to happen to me. I saw the warning signs early, but I stayed because I was "in love". The fact that he paid all my tuition bills made me feel like Prince Charming was rescuing me, and while he was generous, he was no prince charming if he never reassured me that we have a future.
I stayed because at age 31, the idea of starting over was (is) terrifying. If I go out at night, it has to be with my 22-23 year old friends, because all friends my age are married with 1-2 kids. I feel people are going to think I am undesirable for not being "chosen" yet. No one picked me, everyone else got picked. I'm not pretty/smart/kind enough. I was of course, not aware of these feelings until recently when i started using Mr. Bee's plan. Then I saw that I was putting myself on sale for my BF. And that kind of ticked me off.
I'm sure my time will come, and it could have come faster if I made better choices on who I date. This is the third relationship in a row over 8 years that ended up this way. THIRD.
So clearly, I am choosing the wrong type of man!!!!!!!!
If, in a few weeks, things get hard or lonely and you start to question your decision, remember you have this to fall back on.
yeah! now comes the hard part. . .sticking to it! :)
i remember your posts. . .you bf sounds like not the most committment-worthy guy in the world so I'm happy for you.
and when it gets hard, and you feel sad, just remember that you WILL feel better, you will get through it, and who knows what your life will hold 3 years down the road.
@wife_bris: Yes, but--you identified what you were doing!! Now you can make different choices.
I'm so glad that you decided to make this decision for yourself. You deserve so much more than it sounds like you were getting in your relationship. I know how hard it is to start over completely, not knowing what the future will bring, but you've shown so much strength, just from what I've read here, that I know you'll be fine. And one day, the right man, who can't wait to win you over and commit wholeheartedly, will come along and this will all just be a distant memory... an image in the rearview.
Hang in there!
Glad to hear you're taking control. Doesn't it make you feel liberated?
The only thing that really bothers me is thinking of him meeting someone else, marrying her and giving her everything I always wanted from him. He wants to be friends, and I wouldn't mind, but I think I would bawl my eyes out if I find out another girl "won him over". Dumb, I know. That thought is what will keep me up at night, not so much that I miss/love him. Does that say anything?
This, you are not alone! When I broke up with my uncommital ex, this was what I was fearing the most! I was crazy about him, I wanted him, I wanted things were different than they were. I know love is not a competition but I couldn't(can't) help but think like that. You are so not alone!
I missed your back story, but I wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. At 30, I had to start over, but with a little 7 month old baby. It was beyond hard, terrifying but also so empowering. I went to a counselor, so I could be prepared for those hard days.
Since I was so busy with my son, I didn't date for about a year and it was sporatic. Then, I met my current finance. If I had known how nice a relationship could be, I would have left my ex years before.
You're still so young and I am glad you are giving yourself a second chance! It make be hard some days, but it's really worth it!
Things are getting tough.
It's not that I miss him. I do, but I never really felt I "had" him anyway. I'm just angry at him for not seeing my worth. I know I won't do this, but I have this urge to call him and scream, "Why was I not good enough? I gave you everything, and I am pretty/smart/ambitious/interesting/loving enough to have been loved by you!"
Every time I wanted to make the relationship move toward marriage, he got angry. I never understood that. I would always ask him why in God's name someone would get mad that their partner loves them so much they want the relationship to grow. I told him that relationships have a natural progression. He got mad anyway, last night he even said "I'm sick of this sh#t". That's not how I want a marriage to begin.
He also said last night that he always hated it when I asked him questions about himself in order to deepen the intimacy. He said I should have been more perceptive and not have to ask questions to get to know him. He believes by observing his behavior, I would "know" him and know what he needs to be happy, and that's what true love is.
He blindsighted me with all this last night and I discovered that all those attempts to know him better were just useless and ticking him off the entire time. Sorry, I always love it when people ask me questions about myself!
Good for you! Stick to your guns, stay true to yourself, and remember you can always come here for support if and when you feel the need to. Good luck!
It really will be hard at first. You're hurt that you feel rejected (you didn't give you want you deserved) and you're in the habit of having him around.
When my relationship ended, the book I read said that the first 100 days are the hardest. You are licking your wounds and making new routines during that time. I patient with yourself and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Acknowledge those feelings and then deal with them from there.
Take it day by day. Keep your goal in sight. You'll be happier in the end.
I think that if you go back to your previous posts and reread them with a clearer head, you'll realize how much this guy had you freaking out and chasing your tail and jumping through hoops. And I'm here to tell you that the right guy for you won't make you do all that. I was crazy in love with someone once who had me doing the exact same stuff that you appear to be doing and, while the breakup was really hard, with every day that went by, I started to realize: relationships take work; they should not be that hard. It has nothing to do with you "not being good enough"; it's just probably not a great match, that's all.
And EVERYONE has the same feelings that you do regarding him finding another person. For this reason, I know that he says that he wants to remain friends, and it's fine if you do too, but I wouldn't do that until you get to a place where you can embrace any new relationships that he has in his life, and vice versa. Otherwise, that's a recipe for unnecessary drama. But I will tell you, again, from experience, that when I found out that the Mr. from above was engaged, it stung--a lot (think Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally" in the scene just before they sleep together). BUT in the end, that was all it was--a bee sting--I cried for an hour, felt crummy overnight, and woke up ready to accept it. In fact, it pushed me into giving him up completely and I was okay with it. In other words, just know that the anicipation of it happening will be worse than it actually happening. And trust me, he's not thinking of jumping into anything with someone else right now, anyway.
The last thing to remember is that there are tons of guys out there. Really. I know it seems like everyone else has gotten hitched and no one's single anymore, but you are not the last single lady on earth. And there's a man out there who will love you completely--NOT make you feel like you have to constantly push to move the relationship forward. He's out there.
I am so glad you did what's best for you--and you're right, your dignity is SO much more important than a man who gets upset when you respectfully express your needs (huge red flag there). It's great that you've identified an unhealthy pattern in choosing men, too.
Personal story: I was in a very unhappy and abusive relationship with a guy who would get so mad when I'd try to tell him what I needed in the relationship, and I finally left. Four months later, I met my husband, who's a completely different guy than my ex. You are a strong woman and I have no doubt that you will find someone who is perfect for you. Now you're free to find Mr. Just Right. :) Big hugs--stay strong.
I'm so happy to hear this. The next few weeks/months are going to be scary and hard, but stick to your guns. You did what was right. He was obviously an idiot for not seeing how valuable you are. Everything he said about how he gets annoyed when you try to ask about the future or you try to deepen your personal intimacy are just huge warning bells for me. He obviously isn't the type to commit - or, at least, not the type to commit with you - which means he isn't worthy of you. You've rediscovered your own personal worth, so remember that as you deal with this heartbreak, and remember it in the future, too, as you finally start to go out and date again. You only want to date someone who knows your value and is accepting of that.
I know you said you wouldn't mind being friends, but in my experience, even if you end things fairly amicably, it's hard to be friends again right away. It takes time for you to forget your old, familiar patterns and feelings. I would recommend that you say you want to be friends, but first, you need some time. It gives you a chance to get past your romantic feelings for him, to accept that he'll start dating (and maybe settle down with) someone someday, and to realize all his flaws that made him not The One for you. If you start trying to hang out again without having time to do all that, things could get ugly.
Wow. I am incredibly proud of you and I think in the long run you will really be thankful you were strong and did this. Please don't think that b/c you are 31, people will think this or that. I'm 36 and have tons of friends who are either divorced or never married still, and dating and trying to find the one. I have other friends who didn't marry until their late 30's or early 40's and they are very happy, even though it took them longer than they wanted.
Think of your son and how you deserve to have your husband/his future step-dad be the kind of dad that adds to the family, not takes things away from it and stresses you out. As a parent of a special needs child, that is already a big task to handle and you deserve a partner who is there to help and love you both.
You don't need the sh*t this guy has given you! It's a good thing that you noticed that maybe you are attracted to a certain type that ends up not in the way you want. My best friend is like that. She's a great person that any guy would be lucky to have but her ex husband was terrible and her current boyfriend/fiance is worse and she's miserable but feels like she can't leave (that's another story). He doesn't add to the family and only causes stress to her and her kids. They are in therapy b/c of the initial divorce but also b/c what they experience at home. It's really sad. I'm just happy to hear that you were strong to leave. And while you are in your 30's, you are only 31!! That is YOUNG!
Best of luck to you. This really was meant to be, even if you are hurting right now. :(
Wow,you seem to be mega confident in your decision and Im so proud of you!!!!!!Remember we are ALL behind you cheering you on girl!and in regards to the idea of going out with your girls and people thinking that you havnt been "chosen"-load of rubbish!!!!!Its noth that you havnt been "chosen" or "picked" your out having fun purely because your yet to meet someone who is good enough for YOU.(no one so far has managed to treat you how you deserve,which is like an equal)Godd luck,keep your head held high and stay proud of your decision!!!!!
xxx
Good for you. I'm pretty much exactly like you ex boyfriend - I like to live in the moment, love without expectations and dont' want a house, a kid, to live in the same town and raise a family and all that stuff. I want to move around to different states and different countries and experience this whole world and all it has to offer! Luckily, I've found someone that feels exactly the same way and we've gone on our perfect adventure for almost 8 years now!
My point is, you need someone that WANTS all of those things that you want. But for your own sanity (and his, I guess but you first :P) and for the peace of your own soul, make sure that the next guy that comes into your life wants those same things before you get serious. I know for sure that you'll find the perfect man for you! Congrats on taking a step in the right direction in finding him :)
ETA: I'm 36 and happy as could be, so don't think age has anything to do with your happiness in love!
@wife_bris: I know you made the best choice for you. I felt like you when I broke up with my ex. I was 26 with a three year old daughter. I thought that when I left him that that was it. Who would want a single mother? I thought about calling him and forgiving him, but then I thought about the actual relationship.
He thought he was perfect. Nothing was ever his fault and if I expressed how I felt, he would suggest I needed medication because my feelings weren't valid because he was doing nothing wrong. I took this for a year and finally convinced myself I was the problem. My doctor put me on Lexapro. Things were okay for a month. It was probbaly because the Lexapro was going through my system and all I wanted to do was sleep and chill. But after that it was still the same bs. Why plan for the future when we could die in an accident tomorrow. Why even talk about a wedding when we could die in a violent shooting at the grocery store? Ugh.
Us breaking up was the best thing for me. It hurt like hell for about 3 months. I would think about sending him emails or calling him or going to his house in the middle of the night thinking that if we just locked eyes everything would be okay.
Anyway, it's going to be tough at first, but look yourself in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you deserve more. You deserve to be desired. You deserve only the best man for you. **hugs*
good for you for figuring out what you want and need, and for acting on it! it sounds like you made the right decision for you and are going to be much better off for it. it's hard to keep sight of when feeling insecure, but the very most important thing is to take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. you're worth so much more than he seems to have shown you.
speaking of which, "He said I should have been more perceptive and not have to ask questions to get to know him. He believes by observing his behavior, I would "know" him and know what he needs to be happy, and that's what true love is."-- that sounds like he's full of crap, to be completely honest. clear, open communication is the fricking foundation of a relationship! sounds like he wanted YOU to do all the work of figuring him out and he'd just free-load off your efforts. not cool!
@wife_bris: You have made a very brave and very empowering decision. Just remember, no matter how old/young you are, marriage or a relationship with the wrong man is 100x worse than being alone. I have several 31-33 year old friends who are single and trying to find the right guy. You're no anomaly.
As for your fear he will find a woman that he will agree to marry - well he might. He may find a woman perfect for him that takes his sh*t and asks for a second helping but that's not you! Just know that if you do hear that this has happened, instead of feeling jealous or that it is any reflection on you, you should feel very sad for that poor woman who is ok with that level of emotional detachment.
I know you wanna call and say "WTF is wrong with you? I'm awesome!" But he won't get it. He has the emotional range of a thumbtack. Don't think about him, think about how empowered you feel. I bet this is the first time in a long time that you are doing something so positive for just yourself. Focus on that!
@wife_bris: "He said he could die tomorrow in an accident, he could develop cancer, and what is the point of planning anything if there's no way to guarantee it? His answer is just so crazy I decided not to argue any further."
You know what? What if tomorrow you meet your soulmate?
Oh thank god. I know some of my posts were harsh, but it was increadibly frustrating to see this....child....continue to emotionally manipulate you like that. His "arguments" to you were totally absurd. He clearly thinks you're an idiot if he actually believes you'd continue to fall for them.
Good for you. Move on with your head held high, girl. You and your son deserve so much better.
Congratulations for seeing that you deserve someone who doesn't jerk you around! "What if I'm in an accident tomorrow" - that's the argument of an emotional twelve year old.
@ja7975: What you said.
@wife_bris: I haven't read the back-story, but I don't think I need to. I just have a few things to say/share with you:
1. Good for you! How insightful and courageous of you to take this very difficult step. I'm sure you felt empowered right afterward, and you should *continue* to feel that way. When you have those moments of doubt, remember that feeling. Remember why you did it and know that it was the right thing.
2. As other PPs have said, I strongly encourage you to break all ties, at least in the short run. (Personally, I would make it permanent, but that's me - I believe in ripping off the bandaid.) His desire to "stay friends" is suspicious to me; he is likely to try to entice you right back to where you were before. It may sound silly when you are feeling empowered and confident in your decision, but we all have moments of weakness after a breakup. Be sure you are 100% impervious before engaging in "friendship." Ask yourself: Do I really need this friendship? What would I get out of it? Make sure it's not because you want to avoid or minimize the pain of the breakup. That's not a good reason, and it's dangerous.
3. Yep, he very well may meet someone else. You should expect that to happen. If and when it does, repeat after me: "Thank GOD it wasn't me!" Seriously, don't lose sight of why you made this decision, and always remember, it was YOUR decision. Not his. You ended it because he is not the right guy for you, so *stop* worrying about why you are not the right girl for him. It's not a reflection of your worth!!
4. You are YOUNG. Enjoy your 30s, focus on yourself and have fun. I was single through all of my 20s and 30s, and half of my 40s. I sometimes wondered why, but I also knew that I was choosing all the wrong men. So on some level, I wanted to be single. That's what some women do when we are not ready for an honest, intimate, committed relationship - we choose "unavailable" men. Finally, when I *was* ready, I met the right one when I wasn't even looking. I was 44. Married for the first time at 47. SO glad I waited for the right guy. Remember - you can't meet the right one as long as you are wasting time with the wrong one!!!!
Congratulations, and best wishes to you! The "beehood" is on your side. :)
Congratulations for not settling! It's HIS problem that he couldn't see your worth! His loss! Someone else WILL see your worth. [Hugs!] Stay strong :)
I completely agree with @NotYourTypicalBride: ! Especially #4. I was one of those people that chose men who where slightly unavailable. I could convince myself that it was all there issues, not mine that were cause of the problems. I finally came to realize that there was a reason why these kinds of guys were attractive to me. Once I became comfortable with my own issues surrounding relationships, could I finally start dating good guys.
Also, so many people unknowingly panic because they are a certain age and aren't married, so they marry people that are just good enough (if you are lucky) or really, really bad (if you are unlucky). Don't do this to yourself. It is better to be alone and unhappy than with someone and unhappy. Atleast if you are alone, you can do something to change the situation. But I can almost guarantee that you will be much happier without this guy.
PS- I met my husband at 38 after suffering from a illness that left me unable to work for 3 years. We married when I was 40 and I've never been happier.
@wife_bris:i'm sure you made the right decision for you. good luck finding someone on the same page. i'm sure he will come along soon. take care
Today was sooooo hard. Yesterday I felt dignified. Today I feel awful!
I know this is a "waiting" board, not a breakup board. But the only thing making me feel better is reading everyone's responses here. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. Everyone tells me a litte piece of what is sooo therapeutic to hear. It all adds up to a huge dose of medicine. It really really helps. Thank you!!!
He hasn't called. We have never had a fight like this before. We never technically broke up. He just asked me to leave so I left.
But I'm looking back on entire 19 month relationship. In the beginning, I initiated the dates. I made the first phone call, and he would call me back. I would text him and he would text me back 12-24 hours later. Things started off really slow because of this.
Fast forward 5 months. I fell in love and I told him. He said he didn't feel the same way "yet". At 9 months, he still didn't have those feelings. Finally, at 10.5 months, he loved me. But not after I went nearly half a year sleeping with someone who didn't love me. It tore me up every day.
The sex was never initiated by him. Around the year mark, the sex became less and less. I cried myself to sleep each night he said no. My appearence never changed. I ran 2 marathons since we've known each other and was in the best shape of my life. We went 7 weeks without sex and I considered ending it. He then became "responsive" and we rekindled our dismal sex life.
Then at 15 months, I wanted some direction. I wanted to know if our long distance thing was going to stop any time soon. No answers, just fighting.
Basically, the only person to lead in the relationship is me, and its' always so much work to move up a step. I refuse to live this way ever again. My self esteem erroded until I finished school and got a career in massage therapy. Mr. Bee's plan, along with my new career, made me feel important again, like I did when I met him.
And no matter what stage we were in, I was always craving for more. I always felt bad about myself. Not because he mistreated me, he didn't. In fact, he treated me very well. But he was so... limited in what he could "give". I guess when we crave something enough, our brain tells us that it's "better"? When you are hungry, a cracker looks pretty darn good! But when you are getting enough to eat, a cracker is just a cracker.
It's pathetic that I did all this because I thought I was too old to start over. Instead I just wasted my time and let my worth deteriorate. Ugh, never again!!!
I hope someone can learn from my mistake. I miss him so much and I'm so hurt that he never really wanted me that much. But I always knew that.
@ Miss Tattoo: OMG, I almost spit my dinner out everywhere when I read your reply. My son's dad is the EXACT same way!!! I almost called him up and asked him if he ever had a daughter before he met me, lol.
Yep, my son's dad would get so angry when I told him I wanted love and commitment and wanted to take me to a psychiatrist. He thought I was crazy because during our arguements, I would assert my needs and he would blow up for not thinking he was perfect. He would literally say that there was nothing wrong with him because no one else tells him the things I told him.
We went to couples counseling and was always asking the Dr. to "diagnose" me. He suggested getting tested for an illness, and he would pay for it. What a gentleman.
My son's dad is very very similar to my ex ad nauseum. And my serious BF prior to my son's dad was 97% similar. Then there was another BF who I fell head over heels with and expressed my feelings to him in a card on our 6 month anniversary. He took off less than an hour later.
But thanks for the laugh. Every once in a while my friends will ask me if I took my meds today. LOL!
Sadly, I don't think he was ever in love with you, despite telling you he was. For starters, no one takes almost a year to fall in love with someone. It may take a year to successfully convince yourself you're in love with someone, but if it's taken that long it's highly unlikely to be genuine.
My honest assessment? He was settling for you and struggling with himself throughout the entire relationship. I'm not proud to admit this, but I've been there before. You don't really love your partner, but you're bound and determined to make the relationship work, for whatever reason. Because you don't want to be with them deep down, you eventually start to resent them and don't really care when you begin to treat them badly. Best case scenario, they leave so you don't have to be the bad guy. Worst case scenario, they stick around and you continue to struggle with what your gut is screaming at you (you don't really love this person, you need to break it off!)
This is no reflection on you. You either love someone or you don't. Not loving them doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. To the contrary, he likely was telling himself how awesome you are, so why shouldn't he be in love with you? Unfortunately love isn't one of those emotions you can control. It's either there or it's not. Even more sadly, sometimes it's there for one person but not the other. I would bet a fair amount of money that's what was going on in your situation.
He'll likely try and win you back. Remember that he's not doing it because he loves you. He's doing it because he's unsure of his decision (because he's still trying to convince himself he should love you) or because he can't stand the thought of you not wanting him after you've spent so long trying to convince him otherwise. Taking him back will change absolutely nothing. If he doesn't love you now (and he doesn't, despite what he might have told you. There's no way he could basesd on his actions and behaviors) he won't love you later. It's been too long, it's not going to happen.
I'm glad you're recognizing a pattern in choosing men. I suggest counseling to help with changing that pattern so you can find yourself a good man who loves you just as much as you love him!
Wish I had the strength as you to move on when my ex said the same things to me. Things dragged out before the relationship pretty much fizzled but I'd never want anyone to be in the same position.
@wife_bris: Don't ever think that you "let your worth deteriorate" while you were with him--your worth is not something he can take away from you or chip away at, and it doesn't diminish over time. Hang in there--
I'm so glad that you've made this decision. This man jerked you around in every single way and reading your recap of the relationship.......that really proves it. You gave and gave and you received in some ways, but never his total affection. You don't deserve anything less than amazing and don't accept it. It's not YOU, it's him. It sounds to me like you're on the right track for sure.
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