Update: I've decided to leave my fiance

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1634 posts
Bumble bee

Oh man, that’s tough! All I can say is be true to you. it’s hard to leave but it’s harder to stay when you should have left. Just get trough this week and weekend then take some time, get some distance and look at things from a new perspective. Stay strong, the best is yet to come, things dont have to be so hard! Good luck!

Post # 4
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@anonbee3333:  My advice is to do what is right for you. I would get your new roommate. You can continue the relationship, but he needs to understand the reasons for all of this, and that he really can’t have his cake and eat it too. You made up your mind and while you love him, it is final. You have to do what’s right for you.

Post # 5
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Honestly, I would not continue the pseudo engagement over the next weekend.  I understand that it will be difficult for him, but it’s just not fair to you, and is too much to ask.  

You are trying to get over something too, and I think pretending for a weekend (if it were me) would be pretty horrible for my mental health.  I wouldn’t tell him about your new roommate or moving plans, I think that could come across as “rubbing it in” 

Good luck to you! 

Post # 6
2915 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Don’t let anything hold you back, at this point. Two engagements is enough, and he is jealous that you might be finding it easier to move on to the next stage of your life. Who knows what could happen in a year? You might blossom into a totally different, cool version of you! Good luck!

Post # 7
3841 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wanted to share a quotation from Helen Keller.  I wish you strength, and hope you will do what makes you stronger and brings happiness. 

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.”   Helen Keller

Post # 8
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MrsTVLover:  Absolutely! I wouldn’t agree to that in a million years. Aren’t you done with catering to him? Just stop.

Move on. Don’t hold out hope for someone to change. They don’t. Or they will and they find someone else. Good for you for finding a roommate. You’re going to be a lot happier.

Post # 9
2657 posts
Sugar bee

The initial shock of a serious relationship ending is tough to get over, I’ve been there.  It sounds like he wants the stability of being in a realtionship, but not the commitment.  Now that he’s losing the stability, he’s starting to panic a little and uncertainties start popping up.  It sucks.

That being said, I think it is better to keep going with your plan to find a roommate and being on your own for a while.  You need to focus on yourself for a bit, and he needs to take a step back and focus on himself for a bit.  If that results in you getting back together, then great.  But don’t go into this expecting your relationship to be back to normal in a year.  Whatever happens, you will be better off taking some time for yourself and gaining some perspective.  Stay strong.  We’re here for you 🙂

Post # 10
4941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@anonbee3333:  Pseudo engagement? This just sounds like a bad idea. Honey, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Huge ((hugs))

You need to do what is best for you, and it doesn’t sound like that includes lying to his family. He needs to be mature and be upfront with them. Relationships end, it happens. It sucks, but it happens. It’s not fair to you to have to act like you’re still in this commited relationship. 

Stand your ground hon. Move in with your roommate, and find someone who is worthy of your love! You’re a wonderful person and deserve much better than this.  

Post # 11
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@anonbee3333:  Ugh. The faster you can get out of there, the better!

I wouldn’t mention anything about moving out until you can say “I’m moving out next Monday.”

And definitely don’t go to that wedding like nothing’s wrong–something IS wrong. You’re no longer engaged!

Post # 12
3667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

He called off your wedding — I definitely wouldn’t be going to his brother’s wedding while pretending that you’re still engaged. You’re doing the right thing by leaving, and I would do it sooner rather than later.

Post # 13
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You’re doing the right thing by moving on! Do yourself a favor though, try to put some distance between the two of you – you’re only in for more heart break if you try to stay close to him at this time. What he said about you meeting someone else real quick is the exact same thing that my ex told me when we broke up and it was so hurtful – I think he only said so in order to make me feel inferior, like I wasn’t capable of mourning our lost relationship the way he was… Don’t let him make you feel guilty, keep your head up and take actions to re-build your life asap! Hugs!

Post # 14
1682 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry OP. 🙁 This is tough. I hope you can find a great roommate and place to live and that everything goes smoothly.  

I certainly don’t want to hurt you with this advice, but because we had a similar situation with a couple cousins right before/after our wedding, I just wanted to add a couple of my thoughts. I wouldn’t wait until after the wedding.  Keeping up a pseudo engagement through the wedding might hurt the family more than if you didn’t go at all.  You don’t need to tell them why right away, just that you’re not going to be able to attend and you can explain everything later.  

The reason I’m saying that is that you’re going to be expected to be in all of the family wedding pics (esp if you’re supposedly engaged) and if they then find out that you might not be part of their family anymore, they might be upset.  My DH’s cousin’s GF came to our wedding and is in the very front of all the photos (like right next to us!) and we have NO family photos without her.  She cheated on him and they broke up shortly after the wedding.  It’s awkward to say the least to have her right there and we can’t photoshop her out or anything because of where she is.  

If you do go to the wedding, try to suggest that they have some family pictures without you in them (maybe just parents/siblings/grandparents etc), so that there isn’t that hurt everytime they look at family photos.  

Like I said, I really don’t want to hurt you with this and I’m sorry if I did.  I just wanted to share some personal experience we had to try and save you from that awkwardness.  

Post # 15
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is a GOOD thing.  I doubt you even realize the weight you have been carrying around due to his mental issues – you will only feel how heavy it was once you are in your new place and free of the stress that’s become “normal” in your life.

He needs to work on his mental issues before he can be in a loving adult relationship – its his responsbility, not yours.  For three years it sounds like you have sacrificed yourself to be his part-time mom and therapist – rather than his SO.

GET OUT OF THE APT.  Start living your life for you.  You are going to be amazed at the exhilirating freedom and happiness that awaits you — and it will finally make your ex-FI wake up.  He totally took you and the relationship for granted, only time apart will make him see what he screwed up.

I want to come over to your apt. and help you pack — drive you to your new apt!  In 2 weeks I swear you will be a new person, you will wonder wth you were thinking.  I promise. Get going!! You’ve been living to long for his happiness and comfort – its time for yours.

Also, screw going to his brother’s wedding and pretending to be engaged.  Let him go alone – he’s an adult man, it’s his family.  Let him (for once) feel the full weight of a decision he made and face his family. I know you love his family, so send them a kind letter/card explainin your absence – they will no doubt totally understand.

Best of Luck on your new life free as an adult single woman and free from the burden of being a half-mother/half-therapist to a man child with psychological issues and no idea what he really wants.


Post # 16
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anonbee3333:  Good luck to you. That can’t be easy but ultimately your happiness is most important.  My advice is to make a clean break once this wedding is over.  Move out and end communication, at least for now.  It’s the quickest and easiest way to get over a break up and be able to move on with your life.

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