(Closed) update (long)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

My friend had been dating a guy for 1.5 years…they have known each other off and on for about 20. They broke up a few months ago because he had similar issues-he claimed he wanted to be friends and didnt want to get hurt, and he has been very hurt by another woman, and had a hard time committing.

He spent a lot of couple time with her and  I do believe he was just with her.  They both had a big blowout because she was always so nice and not confrontational on the subject.

I think it is wise of you to go to counselling before this blows up-that’s a great idea!

Also, I am happy to report that he called her a few weeks later, saying he can’t live without her, he had been a big fool, and he wants to get married asap.

 

 

Post # 4
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I am sorry you are going through this, and I do agree with visiting counseling.  My hope is that it will demonstrate to him what a mistake he is making.  

I can empathize because I may be coming up to the same situation.  It’s been just over 5 years with mine, and the my internal timeline has been going off while family questioning and pressure has started to amp up as well.  We’ll be talking about it again soon, hopefully attending counseling and without a resolution of the issues and a firm timeline, I can see myself looking for a place by the end of July or August which fortunately is the low season where I lived for rentals.  There will be no ultimatum,  but I really like your wording about how your emotional reserves are depleting…  so true.

Post # 5
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jk1:   ((HUGS))  I read all your previous posts as well as this one.  You have been dealing with this issue for quite a while now.  I’m glad you’ve decided on counseling and I hope it will help.  Your love for each other is evident.  Something that strikes me, though, is the pattern of the two of you pushing and pulling at each other.  You aren’t working as a team. 

Please let me ask you:  You’ve said that when he pulls away from getting engaged you “tell” him he is “shooting himself in the foot” and “his own worst enemy.”  Maybe try a different approach?  You might be right in what you’re saying to him, you are the one who knows him.  But perhaps he feels unheard?  Invalidated?  Maybe instead of telling him “how he is” when he pulls away, ask him  why  he is, and then say nothing.  Just listen.  Let him spill his guts with no reaction, judgment or label from you.  You might learn something.

He does sound like an overly analytical person.  But this is the man you love.  If you marry him, this is what you will be dealing with – forever.  Every single major decision – having children, buying a home, buying a car, retiring, career choices, etc., he will still behave this same way.  It’s who he is, no?  Can you accept his being like this?  He is in his 40’s.  Highly unlikely he’s going to change this behavior pattern or personality type.

I know you said you only wanted love and support so I hope I’m not being harsh, what I’m saying is not intended in that way.  I just want you to look at this issue from another angle.  Based on all of your previous posts you have been riding the same ol’ merry-go-round for a while.  You can get off, you know.  You don’t have to end the relationship but you could change how you are dealing with him.  It might make a positive difference.

Another idea is, have you thought of letting him know that you would be ok with becoming officially engaged without a ring?  Because the “ring” has been a focal point of a lot of your posts.  Maybe (just maybe, not saying this is true) he has an issue with making such a huge purchase?  If he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you care about being engaged and marrying him for himself, without all the bells and whistles, it might help.

My FI is in his late 40’s but he was married before.  I’m not sure if your FI ever has.  If he’s always been a bachelor you’re in a much more difficult situation.  When my FI and I discussed marriage he did mention at one point his concern with getting me the exact and perfect ring.  He was more concerned about the ring than I was.  I flat out told him that while I would deeply appreciate a ring as an engagement symbol I was also much more interested in marrying him for who he was, his heart and soul and the man he is, than the engagement ring.  I let him know either way would be fine with me and it did seem to solidfy in his mind my committment to him even further.  He did get me a ring and proposed with it.  But he also knew I would have said “yes” without a ring.

Since he’s willing to go along with counseling that may work for you.  But it seems as though you’re in a pattern of “fixing” things all the time with him rather than focusing on the healthy and whole part of what you already share.  The positive part.  But a good counselor will help you sort things out. 

These are just random thoughts.  I hope things work out for you.  You’re handling things very bravely.  Please get a firm answer from your SO.  Don’t let him just tell you what you want to hear – his words need to have some action behind them.  He doesn’t want to lose you, that’s obvious.  But is he willing to take the necessary REAL steps to keep you? 

I wish you all the best.

Post # 7
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@jk1:  

I relate to you very much. I am 36, dated my boyfriend for 2 years. He is a little older than yours–50. I want children too. He is also an overanalyzer, and we also have a distance factor that made for weekend-only dates. One woman who knows him told me a year ago, “He is a great guy, but one thing he is terrible at is MAKING DECISIONS.” That was a knife in my heart, because I knew it was true even then. But he is a great, lovable guy with many good qualities and we get along famously. 

We had many of the same discussions you have been having, but I did also feel the indifference and the exhaustion, and the excitement flagging. 

Sometimes what happens though, is you have so many discussions, try your best to be controlled and calm, but the anger builds and you don’t even realize it.

I am not necessarily recommending this, but just sharing my story. What happened was I blew up at him finally one night and basically told him I couldn’t take it anymore and needed to take a break from the whole thing. Sometimes it is very refreshing and liberating to have your unedited feelings out there and not care about the consequences. 

It was 2 weeks after that he proposed. However, I don’t expect that the overanalyzing will stop with the engagement. It is already taking him forever to decide on the type of ceremony and the guest list. 

Back to you. i do believe your SO loves you and I have a feeling that he will come around. You are doing all the right things I think. However, try not to suffer too much. Everyone has their own length of time that they feel comfortable waiting. When you reach your limit, you will know. Hopefully it will be worked out before you reach it, but if you do reach it, you can and will be able to deal with it. 

Anyway, **HUGS**! I know it is so very hard. 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jk1:   Thanks for the update!  Looking forward to hearing your engagement announcement.  😉

Post # 11
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yes, I too have a feeling we will be hearing an engagement announcement.

Post # 13
Member
1279 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think you are both handling this as well as you can – I think the sooner you can meet with the minister and start talking this out, you will have a resolution.

Just try to keep the love you have for him first and foremost in your mind… and trust that he will do the right thing.

Post # 14
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

@jk1

I haven’t read all your other posts, so forgive me if I’m asking something that has already been addressed.  I’m in a similar situation, being 40 myself and my BF at 42 – both of us divorced from abusive, unfaithful marriages.  So there is baggage; although it’s not quite the same kind as your man’s.  There are days we talk about eloping, and there are days the thought of marriage terrifies both of us – what if it’s the wrong choice?  

I’ve had the timeline talk with him – we’ve been together for 3 years now, and I’ve told him I want to be engaged by the end of the year.  He’s the one who’s all hung up on getting me a ring (he’s broke from his divorce & child support), even though I’ve told him that I don’t care about the value, size or stone of the ring – I just want to be engaged to him. Basically, I totally understand where you’re coming from & can empathise with what you’re feeling.

So, back to what I want to ask you – knowing that he gets paralysed by having to make a decision and take decisive action.   You KNOW you’re good together; you KNOW you love each other and are soulmates.  He’s hung up on making it perfect for you & that’s a ton of self-imposed pressure. Is there any reason that you can’t make the decision for him and propose to him instead? It would be the ultimate empowerment!  

Hope this makes sense; it’s late and I’m tired.  Big hugs to you.

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