- 3 years ago
Hi bees, I promised to provide you all with an update on our situation so here it goes.
We had my husband’s appointment on Friday and his numbers are worst now than they were before. He went from a count of 1.5 million to 1 million. His motility dropped from 12% to 6% and his is still at a 100% abnormal morphology. He had a semen analysis and he provided a urine and blood sample. We found out what the issue is. My husband has a hormonal imbalance. When he was 12 yrs old he was diagnosed with gynecomastia and had surgery to remove the excess breast tissue it caused. Over time, with treatment, the disorder regressed but it is now rearing it’s ugly head again.
We were advised that our chances for a natural conception would be less than 10%. Our only hopes of having children would be with IVF with ICSI or with donor sperm. The doctor advised that he could not give a definitive answer on whether my husband’s sperm would have any chromosomal abnormalties, but did confirm that they were all misshapen in some form (2 heads, 2 tails). As the doctor is explaining this to us, my husband cuts him off and stated that neither of those are an option. In an effort to avoid a scene at the clinic, I remained quiet but my heart was quietly breaking. I guess the Dr could feel the uncomfortable aura in the room and in an attempt to appease my husband, he gave him a rx for clomid and asked that we come back in 4 weeks to provide another sample for review.
I knew that this was a devasting blow to him. He let out a cry like I have never heard in the ride home. I have never ever seen my husband cry like this. There was nothing I could do to console him. I decided to give him his space, he was in no position to discuss the details of the appointment and I was not going to force that conversation on him at that time. As much as I wanted to discuss our options, I didn’t feel like this weekend was the right time to do so. I knew he would need more time to wrap his head around all of this and I needed more time to figure out a tactful and sensitive way to broach the topic.
Well, I never had a chance to bring it up as today he flat out asked me if I would ever be truly happy in this marriage with just the two of us. He stated that he has researched the procedure as well as our RE’s success rates and he is not in a position mentally to take us through this. His position has not changed. He said that IVF was too much like playing God and he didn’t want any parts of it. He also stated that he could never love a child that didn’t share his genetics and features and that if I were to ever attempt donor sperm or adoption, he would do me a favor and file for divorce. The most that he is willing to try is IUI with his own sperm and even that is “pushing his boundaries”. All of this seemed to come from a very angry place. He had a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. He was very hostile with me for no reason. He was blurting out what “he wasn’t going to do” so fast that I never even got a word in.
I couldn’t respond right then and there, the last thing I wanted to do was get emotional and lash out about this. I wanted to discuss this as rational adults, so I went out for a walk to clear my head. During my walk, I had made my decision. On one hand, yes, the clomid and iui could very well be a success and get us pregnant. However with my husbands morphology concerns, the chances of that are almost nil. On the other hand he is still being completely close-minded and his refusal to move past his own self imposed barriers scares me more than never being a mother. There should never come a time when ALL options are not discussed/explored and a mutual decision made between a man and a wife. For that reason, I decided to leave.
Here I am, sitting on the stairs of our home with my suitcase in front of me, waiting for my sister and brother in law to come and help me remove as many of my things as I can get out of here tonight. I will be back in the morning to get any additional things that I may need. It’s over. And as much as my heart is breaking at the thought of losing my marriage, my partner, my life, starting over, and the thought of the unknown, I also feel free. I deserve a partner who goes into any situation with an open mind. We do not know what this life holds for us and in order to make it day to day, you can’t shut down everything because you are unfamiliar with it. I can’t live a life like that anymore, my needs matter too. It’s hard for me to accept that 10 years worth of life plans and discussions could be so easily discarded.
I wanted to make it clear to my husband that my descision was about much more than our fertility issues. I never want him to think that I am leaving him due to anything related to his possible inability to have children. I am leaving because he is not treating me like an equal partner in a decision so critical as this one is. I am leaving because he fed me what I wanted to hear for many years, but when push came to shove he bowed out without so much as a second thought as to how I feel. I am leaving because not only is he refusing to acknowledge that he is not in this alone, he won’t even man up and speak to a professional to help us through this trying time.
I know many bee’s aren’t going to agree with my decision, but it’s MY life and I want more out of it than a dictatorship type of marriage.