Post # 1
My SO made me promise to not bring getting engaged up for one month and to just trust him (that was 6 days ago). I am not going to re-hash all the details but they are in most of my previous posts if you care to read.
I had a minor slip last night. My SO called to say goodnight and mentioned he may buy a case of this microbrew we both really liked for over $100 (SERIOUSLY for BEER!!!). He claims he hasn’t proposed because he can’t afford a ring. Now I’m questioning his priorities.
I know I promised I’d keep my mouth shut for a month but this is rather absurd.
Me: “I seriously do not understand you at all sometimes.”
SO: “Why is that?” (Ugh… Men!!)
Me: “I’m not allowed to speak” (I figured he’d know what that meant)
After a very awkward silence (I was hoping he would say something reassuring) I just decided to end the convo and say goodnight. He called me this morning on his way to work and ignored his call. I am not trying to be manipulative I just don’t know how to deal with the situation if we aren’t allowed to talk about it.
So after moping around being sad for almost an entire day (pathetic I know) I decided that enough is enough. I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them and can’t wait to marry me.
The way he continues to put off proposing makes me question how much he values me. I have decided that if he has not proposed by Christmas (a bit beyond the 3.5yr mark), then I need to move on. I have not decided if I should tell my SO about this deadline or not. The thought of not being together is devastating because I truly love him. I just think if the waiting goes on much longer I may always wonder if he wasn’t certain I was the one (even after he proposes).
Is that irrational? Any former waiting bees harbor doubts/resentment AFTER he proposed or does that just go away once you know he’s committed?
Also, do you think it’s fair to not tell him my exact deadline? He already knows I’m losing patience and that I am prepared to walk if he isn’t willing to commit to me. I feel like telling him the date will be an ultimatum and he won’t be proposing because he wants a future with me.
Post # 3
You can see my past threads for more info, but yeah, I still have doubts that this is what he wants. I swear his eyes still bug out at the mention of it.
I think having an internal deadline is wise. The only thing you have to decide is if you leave and then he wants you back and proposed etc, how will you feel about that? Will you then feel like it’s bittersweet?
Post # 4
awe 🙁 I hope things get better and he gets himself together.
Just trust him and be strong.. setting that deadline is GREAT .. dont tell him.
Shock and impress him with your strength to not talk about it. Put it out of your head the best you can. then, if it oesnt happen (which i hope it does!!) then you can say.. You said trust you and i did and you didnt do anything!
Also, if he knows the deadline he may do it just so that he doesnt lose you… which has its negatives. so ya.. trust him, focus on you and your goals, paint your nails, do your nails, hit the gym, etc and then see what happens by your deadline..
Then talk to him about it and why you had a deadline and do what is best for you.
good luck! i hope it all works out for you and him!!
Post # 5
I agree, you have to decide how long you are willing to wait. As far as I’m concerned it you don’t know by a year and a half that this is someone you want to be with forever, then they clearly aren’t the right person for you. My timeline is 2 years, if by then things hadn’t gotten to the point where he’s ready to ask, I wasn’t willing to wait any longer. Thankfully i didn’t need to worry about that. Hope all works out for you.
I think having a deadline is good, don’t tell him though or you may wonder if he only proposed cause you forced him too.
Post # 6
@Mrs.SleepyKitty: Yeah that’s what I’m afraid of. We set a date and he told me to start planning but he still hasn’t bought a ring and when I try to talk to him about the wedding plans he gets all weird. Part of me wonders if he just told me to plan to shut me up. I am not setting the deadline because I expect that it will him inspire him to propose if I walk. It would be bittersweet because I don’t know that I could ever fully trust the sincerity of a proposal from someone who didn’t realize they wanted to marry me until it reached that point.
Thank you for your input. Good luck to you as well.
Post # 7
OK I just posted a similar thread about internal timelines– it seems like we are having the same thought processes here 🙂 🙂 🙂 I’m trying to get more empowered in my head — not thinking he has all the control– and I feel like this may help me which is why I came to the bee about it. That being said, I’d keep it internal to help YOU. That’s what i plan on doing! But I’m no expert because I just started with this whole idea!!
Post # 8
I think you are absolutely right to give a timeframe of how much longer you are willing to wait. If he keeps putting it off and it’s not due to the typical reasons people usually put off engagements (i.e; school, finances, or family obligations), I would be upset too. *hugs* to you and I hope it works out!
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
Has it occrued to you that the financial excuse was just that; an excuse? He’s probably waiting because he doesn’t want it to seem like he’s proposing in response to soemthing you’ve said. Give the man a break, and give him some time to plan things on his own terms. My husband did this exact thing– he put off proposing to be for almost 8 months because every time he’d start to plan a romantic proposal, I’d bring up something about weddings/proposals/waiting/my impatience, and he would put everything on hold because I killed his romantic buzz. It wasn’t until he flat out told me he wouldn’t propose if I kept it up that I took the hint and shut up! 3 1/2 months later he proposed and took me by complete surprise with it.
I feel like telling him the date will be an ultimatum and he won’t be proposing because he wants a future with me.
Do NOT give him an ultimatum, this will make you always question his motives if he does propose, and there’s a strong chance that it will push him to not do it because he doesn’t want to feel pressured into a decision that will change his life forever.
Give him some time, and leave him alone about it.
Post # 10
I had an internal specific deadline, which I allowed to lapse and extended (we had talked earlier in the year and he had assured me by fall things would happen – I made it labour day weekend in my mind and then mid October).
I left. He proposed after about 3 or 4 weeks of me firmly putting my foot down on no seeing each other, minimal texting etc. Right after he asked but before I put the ring on I gave him a grilling on what had changed as I was still the same person and hadn’t changed in the time apart and had no intention of doing so – so why all of a sudden did he now want to marry me? His answers were acceptable (letting go of his past blah blah blah) and then I put the ring on.
I know he only did it because I forced him to confront his past and ghosts and let him know I was sad to end it but looking forward to having control of my life again (waiting made my head nearly explode several times, I could not go on like that). However I also knew he wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t want it.
Of course there are some days now when I ask myself wtf I have gotten myself into, honestly single life was soooo much easier and I enjoyed it despite being lonely sometimes, but here we are. Less than a month out. :freak:
Definitely keep it internal – I think any of the times I did complain or bring it up made his back go up even more, although I know if I hadn’t left he might have taken years to ever do it. So internal, then action it.
Post # 11
I agree with PP that giving your deadline to him is tantamount to an ultimatum. You need to just be willing to stick to your guns and walk by that time. I hope you don’t ever have to worry about it, and maybe he does have something up his sleeve, but I think the time for waffling has past, and I don’t believe you’re being irrational at all at this point.
Post # 12
To the OP, I totally feel for you and understand that this is a very stressful time in both of your lives (re: other posts). The big thing that sticks out to me is….why not just trust him? What if he really has something planned and he wants to know inside that he REALLY surprised you? But each time it’s mentioned or rehashed, it’ll make him feel like he lost some of the credit, aka that he did it because you told him to. According to your former posts, you admitted that you’re a control freak. He asked you to trust him and not mention it for 30 days but less than a week later, you’re now wanting to throw in the towel?
There’s nothing wrong with having an internal deadline as the other PPs mentioned and you should absolutely go with your gut feeling! I’m not discouraging that at all and am speaking with the utmost sincerity. From one control freak to another, I just want to remind you gently to breathe and take a step back. It may all be coming together before your eyes and you may not know it because you’re focused on that $100 crate of beer or the fact that the old ring is sitting on the table. My FI is involved in traveling as well and I got worked up over the same issues but poof – it happened when I least expected it.
24 days to go. 🙂
Post # 13
Wow, this is like looking in a mirror. Keep the timeline to yourself, but be prepared to walk if it comes and goes. I have the very same, and that’ll be the 3.5-4 year mark for me, too. Just try to get past this and hold on to your timeline. Have faith that he won’t let you down.
Post # 14
hah i had a similar situation
i told my SO that i’ve already spent 5 years with him and if he’s not going to propose by the end of the year im moving on because i want to start having kids soon and im not marrying the first person i meet either so tick-tock talk
in november i got my proposal
Post # 15
Thank you everyone for your input and support.
@fingerscrossed: Indeed! We must be on the same wavelength. I agree it is important to feel like you have control over you life. Recently, I told my SO that I don’t think it’s fair that he gets to have things happen on his timeframe. His response: “But it’s fair if it happens exactly when you want it to?” Me: “Umm… trust me, if that were the case it would have happened awhile ago” (maybe not the nicest way to put it but it’s true). I just can’t stand feeling I have no control over my future.
@mrs_pudding_pop: Thanks. We are both students but he won’t be completely done with school until 4-6 years from now (depending on what residency he gets into) and possibly even longer if he does a fellowship. I do not think it is reasonable to wait because I’ve made it clear from the beginning that marriage is priority to me and the only way we are going to live under the same roof.
@juliette.eliza: I have considered this possibility but I know for a fact that he has not purchased the ring as of last weekend when I saw him so if he is planning then it is not for any time soon. He said he wants the proposal to be a surprise (which is fine) but I don’t think it is fair to leave me so in the dark that I question IF he is going to propose at all.
So I think that an internal timeline is the way to go. I do feel bad about it even though I know it’s what needs to happen. He sent me a text today after I ignored a second call from him so I just said I was busy and didn’t feel like talking. I just need to pull my head together here since obviously I can’t just avoid him forever until my resentment disappears.