Post # 1
I really feel like I’m beginning to whine on here so I’m sorry if you guys feel that way, I just don’t know where else to “whine” to right now.
I posted a few days ago about how my in laws were making rude comments about my choice to get a full time job instead of solely going to school. I’m STILL graduating with my bachelors in December, I just probably won’t go into the teaching program I originally had planned at least for now because it would be thousands of dollars when finding a teaching job in metro-Detroit right now is near impossible.
Well we just went on a mini-vacation with them over the weekend to his family’s cottage for the 4th of July and of course more hurtful comments/judgements were made. One instance in particular was this: We were playing euchre with his parents and a couple of people stopped in that were passing by the cottage. They introduced me and were just small talking. Well the guy asked my husband what he was up to and Darling Husband replied that he just started med school so he was a bit busy with that. Then Future Father-In-Law proceeds with going on about how accomplished Darling Husband is with just graduating with his bachelors, getting married, buying a house and starting medical school… but that they are “still waiting for his deadbeat wife to do something”.
Everyone was laughing because it was a “joke”. Except for the fact that the guy truly believed I had nothing going on. While in fact I am working full time so that my husband can attend medical school and am finishing my own bachelor’s degree in the fall. I work my butt off and always have. I’ve pretty much always had a job since I was 14 and have always been an excellent student. But apparently I’ve still got nothing going on.
It was hurtful on top of all other comments made over the past few weeks. But the worst part was that my husband did not correct his dad, he let it slide even after my crying in the past couple of weeks and him promising me that the next time they made a hurtful comment like that no matter what he would come to my defense. That to me is one of the worst feelings ever. Every wife wants a husband that they know will always come to their defense if anything offensive/hurtful is said even if it is his family doing it.
I tried talking about it to him and he just was so quiet about it. He said he was just mad that his family acts like that and he just wasn’t really sure what to say to me because he knows he screwed up again and that it is a problem he needs to work on. Which sounds ok, right? Except for the fact that it is what he says EVERY time. I mean in no way is this making me consider something like leaving my husband or whatever so I don’t want you ladies to think that those are my thoughts but I don’t know HOW to get him to change. It just makes me feel like crap and I’m sick of being made to feel bad about myself whenever I am around his family.
Post # 3
I’m suprised that he didn’t defend you. It sounds like he has a hard time standing up to his family member.
Is there any way that you can say something to his parents the next time they say that? Tell them that it is unappreciated and rude and that their son needs his ‘deadbeat wife’ to go to work so that he can afford to go to med school.
Post # 4
I know! You would think that a comment like that would spark something in him that would make him jump to my defense, right?
I guess that I’m going to have to be the one to say something to them, but I mean it is going to be insanely uncomfortable for me and I always want to stand up for myself but I guess I’m always just sort of waiting, hoping that he will be the one to do it so that I don’t have to be confrontational with them about it. That comment was just beyond hurtful to me though, I just don’t understand why they would say something so rude and not even be like “oh we’re just joking, she’s actually doing this and this”.
Post # 5
Why didn’t you stand up for yourself? The next time they make a rude comment address it right then and don’t let it slide. Also, don’t wait for your husband to come to your defense since it sounds like he won’t when it comes to his family.
I’m sorry they are being jerks. As far as asking how you can change your husband…you can’t! The only person in this world you have the ability to change is yourself. I wouldn’t stay quiet the next time his family is being rude, even if it does cause a fight. They need to know you won’t be putting up with it anymore.
Post # 6
@serasvictoria: I know, I felt so stupid not saying anything when he said that about me. I mean EVEN I WAS LAUGHING! Why did I laugh??? I don’t know!! I was laughing and at the same time just wanting to cry. It was awful. I let them get away with it all of the time. Even if I AM the one to come out and put a stop to it myself I’m still never going to be able to accept that HE is not willing to do it himself. I mean not that my family would ever even think such crappy things about my husband but if for some reason they did say something rude like that I would never ever let it just pass for the sake of keeping the peace with my parents, not if I knew it was hurting my spouse.
Post # 7
That’s awful! I despise when people preface something like that as a joke. If you’re going to be rude, at least own up to it, you know?
I’m sorry that your husband didn’t stick up for you, either. Is he perhaps a bit like my fiance, who kind of half pays attention and processes things after the fact? Either way, I think you need to both have another talk with him reaffirming that what was said hurt, but his lack of saying anything IN THE MOMENT hurt just as badly and you need to make a commitment to yourself to not stand for his family treating you that way. Even if you have to be offhand about it at first – “oh yeah, because working full-time to support my husband in med school AND finishing up a four year degree is no biggie for me – I’m just that good.”
Post # 8
He seems to be having a really hard time with this – can you think about it in terms of helping him? It’ll give you another incentive to stand up for yourself – because once you speak up it’ll be easier for him to speak up and support you.
You should say something like – ah well you guys didn’t provide him with a trust fund so I have to slave away putting him through med school, aaaa, too bad you guys couldn’t afford it! i would so love to only be going to school and not be working to support him aaaw – it’s also a ‘joke’ and so they shouldn’t take offence.
But if you absolutely can’t stand up for yourself – stop seeing them. It is not unreasonable to tell your husband that you’re not going to put yourself into a situation where you know you’ll end up miserable and sad – therefore no dinners no vacations no nothing.
Post # 9
Aww … that was horrible! I can’t believe he would “joke” in that way, especially to a stranger. It was inappropriate and hurtful. I think you should just bring everything to the table – tell them how you feel. This has gone on for too long and it really sounds like there’s some sort of misunderstanding. I know you want to keep your finances private but you just need to tell them that you would absolutely LOVE to finish school ASAP and go one with your original plans but it’s absolutely NOT possible because you can’t afford it. Then explain why you can’t afford it. I know it’s none of their business but if they just understood why, perhaps they would cut the crap and be a bit more sensitive towards you.
Tell them that by constantly asking and reminding you hurts – not only because it highlights your sacrifices, but because they make you feel like you’ve done something wrong — when you should be friggen commended for being selfless and doing what’s best for you and your family!
I don’t think it’s right for you to keep all this in! If they have the gall to say all those things, it’s only right for them to understand how their careless words affect you! They are supposed to be your new family … like it or not, it’ll be best for everyone to bring things out in the open. Bringing it up now to them seems appropriate after that recent “joke”.
It seems like your husband doesn’t know how to deal with this, but regardless, you definitely have to stop this, with or without his help. This is affecting you too much to let it go on! Now if they continue the rude comments even after you have a talk with them, that’s an all-out different story.
If you do talk to them, please do it in person so they can see and fully understand how hurtful they’ve been!
Post # 10
Ugh, I am sorry. You should not be treated like this at all. Your husband sounds like he is willing to change, but needs a bit of help doing so.
Next time this happens, look at your husband, smile sweetly and say “They are calling your wife a deadbeat, honey, what do you think about that?”
Give him a heads up that this is what you will do to help him stand up for you.
Post # 11
Wow, I cannot believe your Future Father-In-Law would say such a mean comment. Sometimes it can be really hard to stick up for yourself with the in-laws – I sometimes have trouble with this also. Maybe your Darling Husband is worried/nervous/intimidated to say something to his family about the situation. It isn’t an excuse though. Maybe he can talk to them on the phone and tell them that what they said over the weekend was mean, offensive and untrue – and calling it a joke doesn’t take away that it was a painful comment.
Post # 12
Ugh! How rude. I agree with lilyfaith that Darling Husband sounds like he was maybe not fully paying attention or was just caught off guard. FH is like that too. Could you two think of something for him to say next time, or could he sit down with his parents and talk to them about it?
Post # 13
I have to add that many people simply do not understand the effort and sacrifices that are made by the significant other of a person pursuing a career in the field of medicine. My ex-husband was working towards becoming an orthopedic surgeon, with a specialty in sports medicine – one of the longest paths! I was supporting him, and like you, had to sacrifice my plans. I remember a time when we attended a very posh wedding and everyone there was pretty well-to-do, yet no one was doctor. There was a certain someone that made me feel like I was lacking in some way, because at the time, I hadn’t finished school yet, and working full-time, while studying part-time, to support us. But then I met the groom’s grandmother, and upon our first meeting, she said, “so you’re the one that will be working hard to support him.” It was like a breath of fresh air she said that in front of everyone too!
That ex ended up being an idiot and cheated on me (and I am very glad it ended when it did or else I would never had met my wonderful Fi the way we did) but my point is that most people won’t understand your sacrifices or that you even have to sacrifice unless they personally know of soemone that’s taken the same career path.
His family is supposed to lend some emotion support for you(!). Every demanding career requires the full support of friends and family … you’ll be helping him, they’re supposed to help you.
Post # 14
@lilyfaith: I thought about that too, if he just was half-paying attention to the situation but he wasn’t. I asked him “I just don’t understand what you were thinking at that moment” and he said that he immediately thought something along the lines of “Why did he have to say something like that?” but he felt caught off guard with it and didn’t want to have an argument with his dad right then and there about the way he was acting. I mean I get all of that and it does make sense and I understand, but I don’t think that it makes it right either. It always happens that way and instead I just have to sit there and feel hurt and upset but put on a smile at the same time.
@Arachna: I did tell him that it is at the point where I hate being around his family and that I don’t want to even be around them because seriously the last however many times we have been with them I have always left being upset at something they said about me/to me. As much as I love the neighborhood and home we moved into it has made me regret being here because they live so close to us that I end up having to see them all of the time.
@Vitsippa: THANK YOU for sharing that! That is what I totally don’t understand – it isn’t as if it is my dream to be working full time and taking freakishly hard courses during my nights. I don’t understand WHY they can’t see that I’m doing this for him, but I guess you are right that if people have never really seen/been in a relationship where the SO/spouse is going into medicine they don’t really understand what it is like. I mean they have freaking support groups for SO/spouses for people going into the medical field for crying out loud – that didn’t start up because it is awesome being the one NOT going to med school in the relationship.
I don’t know, right now I just feel bad because I am so upset about it that we haven’t even hardly been talking the last couple of days. Arguing about it gets us nowhere because there is no resolution that can come from it – it is always the same old “I’ll do it next time, I promise” but I don’t even feel confident in what he says because he says it every time then the next mean jab at me rolls around and he does nothing. We’ll be fine, it is just hurtful. I just wish he had that instinct to automatically want to protect/defend me no matter what the circumstance, I always thought that was something that automatically came with the husband/wife territory.
Post # 15
I’d be so disappointed at your husband too for not standing up to them. My response would probably be something like “I’m hardly a deadbeat, I’m supporting your son to go to school so if anyone’s a deadbeat it’s him living off my hard earned money” – it’s not true but you could say it in the same “joking” way they called you a deadbeat and see how they like it then 🙂
Post # 16
This is what needs to happen now. In the next week, your husband must call his parents and explain to them that they are not to make those comments again. If they do, you two will walk out. It’s uncalled for and completely immature. If he wants to make good with you then that’s what he needs to do.