- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2011
Bees, I thought I’d update you on DH and I. We went to our first counseling session last week..I was supposed to go alone but DH insisted on going.
The counselor told us that given our ages/generation we bring “baggage” into new relationships…which we both did. He said that most couples get the opportunity to share their pasts during premarital counseling which we didn’t do…and now we are having “to deal with it.”
He told DH that while he hears that some people hang onto old photos/videos of exes, he never recommends it b/c “you are essentially living in the past…you have those memories in your head, so why keep the photos?” He told DH that due to the trust issues, he needed to delete all that stuff…and make an honest effort doing it.
We didn’t get into the specifics of DH’s past…just the cheating part and he asked DH if he understood why I felt the trust was broken by lying to me about it. DH said yes. The counselor suggested full transparancy on both parts…so we’ve exchanged passwords for everything in the last week.
We’ve also been communicating more and when I feel “upset” by something, I tell him and why…then we talk about it.
For instance, FIL made DH a photo book for Xmas with photos of him/family since he was a kid. Each page we turned, we were both nervous that there were photos of exes in that book that couldn’t be deleted…luckily you can’t see the exes in the photos of them 4-wheeling…although we both know they are there…but I’m ok with that! Plus there’s a picture of the two of us on the last page!
Also he works with a married woman and her DH. This woman is constantly flirting with DH and his other coworkers. I think I posted about how “weird” she is b/c I thought she was trying to get male attention all the time. I mentioned that I didn’t 100% trust HER (after our counseling session) and DH noticed it the other day when she followed him to grab something to eat at lunch. She was hell bent on having lunch alone w/him and he basically made it so uncomfortable for her that she got lunch and went back to work alone.
She knows we are avid kayakers (only ones in our area) and just bought her kids a kayak for Xmas…I told DH that I wouldn’t be surprised if she asks him to go with her/the kids since her DH travels all the time. He promised to tell me if she did and if she does, he’ll understand what I meant by I don’t trust her.
I feel good being able to tell him this stuff. He also felt the need to tell me about the lunch incident b/c 1)he’s trying to restore trust and 2)he doesn’t think I’m a crazy woman. I promised NOT to get mad at him if he tells me these things.
So it’s one day at a time right now. We are having discussions w/o getting upset at each other which I think is helping us progress.
I also know that he loves and adores me…and that he has not cheated on me. He did bad bad things in his past…and it will take me time to get over those things. But we will continue the counseling and communicating.