Update on my MOH (post suicide attempt)

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@HisQueen2Be:  I didn’t post on your original thread (I don’t think?) so I wanted to share my experience. My closest sister (in age and relationship) tried to kill herself. She ODed, was rushed to hospital and my family didn’t tell me what had happened until after she had been released from hospital (I was overseas, pretty much uncontactable, and came back a day after she got out of hospital). 

It’s awful to find out that someone you love had tried to kill themselves. And it’s really, really hard to let go of the fact that you aren’t going to be able to fix them. She is an adult, she is allowed to do what she wants, you cannot control her. Repeat it to yourself a thousand times (it’s never going to sink in), but you have to at least let your actions reflect it.

My parents did a lot of what you have described, they made it about themselves. And because of that my sister couldn’t rely on them as a support system, she only came to me.

Three days after the incident (within 24 hours of me finding out about what had happened) my sister was making jokes about it, she was scared, she was using humour as a coping mechanism. 

 Don’t “tell her that I’m there to help her make changes in her life; and that I don’t want her to ignore this as if everything is okay”, she will push you away. It’s not up to you to ignore anything, if you focus on this instead of just being her friend right now she will push you away. You need to try to be her friend not her carer. 

“She’s not in therapy & has no plans to seek professional help. She feels that marijuana is the only medication she needs. She’s drinking alcohol.” That sucks, it really does, but this whole thing has just happened, give it time. She’s probably going to be going through some form of the stages of grief. The first one being denial. 

Again, I get how hard this is but how you react to this is going to affect your relationship with her in years to come. Just try acting normal, be her friend and let her come to you when she’s ready. Waiting for her to open up sucks, but it will be worth it. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Thhere are a few things I would work into your chat.

1- ask her what she needs from you. Does she need to talk, help changing, or does she need you to be the one person who doesn’t focus on the incident. The one she can be normal with.

2- let her know that youwill be there for her as she has been there for you. This will show her your support but not make her feel like charity.

It seems to me that you are having difficulty with this situation and are wanting to find the answers within her. I suggest you find someone to talk to who Iis not in this situation so you can make peace.

Good luck and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Post # 5
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Three years ago my uncle did kill himself. Took all of us by surprise because he seemed so happy. Always smiling. Always joking. Always there. I know you don’t want to broach subjects with her, but you have to. And she has to seek help, and if you’re willing, you could offer To go with her. I know pre-wedding days are very busy. 

She needs help. I wish I could have helped my uncle. If someone did he might still be here. 

Post # 6
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

I’d argue that her asking why you took so long to contact HER was, in fact, a subject involving her. By refusing to carry on her attempt at a conversation, you sound a touch like a teacher setting ground rules for a young student who’s misbehaved and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s reading something like that into it too.

She’s joking to cope. She’s probaly embarrassed beyond belief and doesn’t know what to do. Professional help can be scarier than self-medicating. You should be there for her if you really want to help, without dictating her choices, be they medical or conversational choices.

Post # 7
Member
3128 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Why not tell her why you waited to contact her? She probably feels like you didn’t because you didn’t care or were angry with her.

I would tell her the truth- you needed time to processs everything that happened and didn’t want to react out of fear or grief.

Post # 8
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would now be concerned about the way she is dealing with the incident. Alcohol is definately not the answer, and it needs to be cutoff before that gets serious. 

I would suggest the two of you go to therapy, together, and talk about the incident there. She’s obviously concerned about you too, and I think that the intermediary of the therapist can help a lot. Would she be into it if you went together? 

Post # 9
Member
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

you need to remember that she is likely scared out of her mind, embarrassed to all get out and it’s very possible she’s lying to you. 

she’s likely not going to lay out a massive treatment plan to you because in her mind that makes it a bigger deal than she likely wants it to be, makes her look sicker than she wants to be etc. 

so just because she tells you she’s not going to therapy etc doesn’t mean she’s not seeking help. plenty of people do that online (yes, really), by phone or in private. 

 

Post # 10
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@HisQueen2Be:  seems like you need distance from her. You cant help someone who refuses to help themself. You have reached out to her and she’s declined advice of professional advice.

Seems like without help, her behavior will be repeated and will continiously hurt you. It’s a cycle. She should definitely not be your MOH… based on your post and how you seem to feel right now, I question if she should even be your friend… let alone IN your wedding. Like you, I wish she could help herself out. I just dont want you to be in the position of an enabler, or stress yourself out too much over this friendship. That heartache and stress over someone you cant control is heavy to have.

Post # 11
doilyMember
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

As someone who battles with depression and mental illness, I think your friend is just trying to pretend that things are not as bad as they really are in her head. Is it right? No. But if she was in her right mind she wouldn’t be doing these things in the first place. I feel like people are unfairly judging her and acting like she is in complete control of herself and therefore is a crappy friend and should be dumped. If she was in her right mind she would not have tried to commit suicide. She needs a friend there that can be there without judging and trying to push normalcy on her. Beating mental illness is a process and if you make this more about you and your feelings, then maybe you are not as into the friendship as you think and for her sake maybe you should step back.

Post # 12
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I responded to your first post because I went through an eerily similar situation. My friend was struggling with alcoholism and a variety of other destructive behaviors prior to her suicide attempt. Her attempt was very much fueled by a desire for attention and less about a true desire to end her life, so that colors a lot of my feelings on this topic. There’s obviously a lot of background for my story… by the time she did make her attempt, she had done a lot of other emotionally manipulative behaviors so that played into the whole experience. Obviously the background may be totally different, so I just want to let you into what happened in my experience.

For a variety of valid reasons, the rest of our friend group was livid with my friend. Once she was placed under a mental health hold, I was the only one who consistently visited her. Once she was released, I tried very hard to maintain a friendship with her. It was extremely hard, because she expected me to forget the entire incident and go on as if everything was okay. She wanted to continue drinking and I pretty much stated that I would not be around her if she were drinking alcohol. I couldn’t just sit there and watch her drink. 

Eventually, our friendship wore down. I care about her and would have loved to continue a friendship, but I could not be the person she needed. She needed someone who would forget what happened and I couldn’t (and should have to) do that. She cut ties with every single friend who knew what happened and eventually made a new friend group. From what I’ve heard, she has now repeated this cycle several times because she burns out her friends.

I really do wish her the best and I think of her often, but I also think the end of the friendship was the best thing for me at the time. If she ever needed me, I would be there in a heartbeat, but I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen. 

I know each situation is complex, but I just wanted to let you know I have total empathy for your position. Be kind to yourself and know that it’s okay to step back from the friendship if that is what you need. You do not need to sacrifice your own coping skills to be a good friend. 

Post # 13
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@HisQueen2Be:  Hmmm, you are certainly getting a lot of varied advice on here!

I think the people telling you to just be there for her and go along with  don’t quite get it.  This event seriously traumatized you, if I recall from your last post. I am honestly delighted that so many bees on here are total pillars of strength and/or are certified counselors, but I think you need to look at yourself and figure out, “Can I help her in any way by staying, or will I instead just be dragged down and her no better off?”

This kind of person might never change, or might not for many, many years. You are not a therapist, you don’t know how to react, so if it were me, I’d keep her at arms length. Is she hurting? Of course, but just as you can’t make her change, it’s also not your job to support her issues.

Pretending nothing happened is enabling her, so I’m shocked at how many seemed to be recommending that path.  If you keep “pushing normalcy” on her, by making her know you do not support her self-destructive actions, may she pull away from you? Yes, but then again, those people who totally accept all the things these kind of people do, while they remain friends, it very seldom leads to the person getting the help they need anyhow. 

I would let her know that you were angry. She probably should know that. Let her know that what she did was traumatic for you, and that you will not sit by and support her doing the exact same things that got her to that spot, and that clearly something needs to change. Let her know that whenever she is ready to make those changes, you will be fully supportive and there to help however is needed, but until then, you’re not going to be involved in her actively doing things that are slowly killing her.

Best of luck.

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