Weddingbee boards

Hey Hive,

I think I just need the cathartic experience of venting right now about the drama that seems to be surrounding the plans for my bridal shower. (This is my earlier post.) Again, this is long ...

On Friday, I was pretty steamed about all of this. From talking to my MOH, it just seemed like my FSIL was trying to make the shower into something that *she* would want, but not necessarily what I would want. I stepped away from it so I could cool off and think about it some. Eventually I sent an e-mail to all of the bridesmaids saying, "I'm not trying to be a control freak, but MOH sent me a list with some possibilities, and I like (choice A) and (choice B)." I figured by doing that, I was making my own wishes clear without confronting FSIL and making her feel as though she was being attacked. FSIL replied later that they decided to do it at her house because that was the most cost-effective (which is fine -- trust me, I don't want something ridiculously expensive), and I sent another e-mail to say that was great but was there any possibility of moving it to another friend's house (who had offered to host) because she was more centrally located? FSIL later replied that she'd look into it. 

In the meantime, I also sent an e-mail to my fiance's brother's wife, because she's been in the family the longest and has dealt with FSIL the most, and I wanted her take on things. But a few hours after I did that, I felt bad, like I was trying to create a "family drama" and drag her into it, when that wasn't my intent at all. So I sent her another note that night to say, "never mind, it's all good, I'm sorry for getting you involved." By then, I also came to realize that I was only getting MOH's side of the story.

Nonetheless, fiance's brother's wife (FBW) called me the next day. She helped give me some perspective on FSIL (apparently FBW had talked to FSIL some about it) and definitely detoxified it for me. From our conversation, it seemed that FSIL (1) doesn't like planning parties, (2) perhaps doesn't realize how her actions/words are coming across, and (3) just needs to talk to MOH on the phone vs. all these e-mails. FBW said her advice to FSIL was to step back and let MOH handle it (though apparently that still hasn't happened).

So I started feeling better about all this. There was a (FI's) family event on Sunday and I figured FSIL could chat some there, even if not about the shower. However, she pretty much avoided me (and FI) the whole time. We only spoke as she was leaving and I said I was sorry we didn't get to hang out. She said it was because she was chasing her kid around the whole time. I don't really think that was it but I didn't say anything.

I have decided that it is cool that anyone is willing to host a shower for me, and I am grateful for that, so I would let it go and let what happens, happen. I sent an e-mail to MOH to ask about her weekend an inform her of this "revelation" (and also that FSIL had avoided me at the previous day's event). She said she was glad that I was feeling better but FSIL was probably avoiding me because of her (MOH) ... apparently they had yet another e-mail exchange where MOH said that I had made it clear that I was interested in a wine event, but FSIL had made it equally clear that she didn't find that "appropriate" and was only interested in doing brunch at her house. It was kind of harsh.

The issue is that MOH is very direct and will fight for something hard if she believes it's right. FSIL is the kind of person who can get really hurt by that and hold a grudge over it. (Also, she's not much of a drinker and I think she feels like we're all just going to "get sloshed" even though that's not the case.) I don't think either side is 100 percent right, even if my natural instinct is to side with MOH. I truly think MOH just wants to do right by me. Meanwhile, I think FSIL is overwhelmed by it all.

I called poor BM#3 last night, who's caught in the middle of all this and also about the nicest person on earth. She also gave me more perspective on the situation and the poor girl is now going to act as something of a go-between between MOH and FSIL -- she says she doesn't think the situation is "unsalvageable" but wants to do damage control before it gets any worse.

I have made a conscious decision to step out of the whole thing and let them work it out themseves. I think by giving my thoughts and opinions, I only risk sounding unappreciative and that's so not the message I want to send. So who knows what will happen. But even if they have a clown making balloon animals and pony rides in the back yard, I'll be there -- with a smile on my face, and also praying that MOH and FSIL don't claw each other's eyes out by then.