Weddingbee boards

Hey guys - this will be the new thread for all of you helping me through this grieving and healing process. For those of you who want to go back to our previous discussion, you can view it here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/update-the-wedding-and-relationship-is-off

For those who are just getting on board, I'll post the original story again:

Hey guys--

It's taken me a month and a half to have the strength to even visit this site. I tried averting my eyes from all the wedding talk (a little difficult). But i felt it was necessary and perhaps could bring positive messages to let you know what happened to my former fiance and me.

If you remember my post when we got engaged, he drove to surprise me as we were long distance--I was over the moon. I was with him a little over 2 years. My family loved him. He was wonderful. We were wonderful, and both so happy. We had our share of struggles being long distance and fights here and there, but we always loved eacho ther and had an amazing time together. He always told people, I knew I'd marry her since the day I met her.

At the end of August he went on a camping trip with his buddies. When he got back, something was different. This is the part I'll never know what happened. He was distant on the phone, distant when I went to visit him in person. I cried asking if something was wrong repeatedly, but he assured me it was just stress about starting grad school soon (he's 23). So I bought up tons of surprise gifts that would get him excited for school to cheer him up. We picked up my wedding dress one weeked I was home. Four days later, I got so worried about him I called his best friend to see if we could do something to help him with his "grad school" stress. His friend told me it was seriuos and that I had to call him right away. I did. He said he needed a week break of no communication to think about everything. I fell apart. I was confused and angry. For that whole week I cried myself to sleep, as everyone around me assured me he was just stressed and was not going to do anything since we knew how crazy he was about me!  He sent me a facebook msesage promising me he wasn't "stringing" me along. On the last day of the break I caved and called him, saying I'm not waiting one more day for you to do this. I want a say in this. He assured me he loved me and that we'd talk about it the next day when he saw me.

He showed up at my house the following day and dumped me in less than 10 minutes. There was no emotion on his face. None. He didn't even look the same. He said it had been the happiest years of his life but that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I remember being on the floor holding on to his feet, sobbing, begging.

My dad confronted him before he could leave the house, asking him why he had said i was the love of his life just 2 weeks earlier? Or why he didn't want to try to fix whatever he saw as a big problem in his mind? He just said, "I'm an asshole". My mom went after  him and calmly asked him to lay low on Facebook to let me heal, to which he rolled his eyes. She asked him, what happened to you? He said he simply sat down and reflected on the last year of our relationship and realized I was too much pressure on him. He said I pressured him to go to grad school (he had wanted to goand got in and then changed his mind last minute, but did choose to go in the end), pressured him to propose, and pressured him to spend time with me.  He also said I dont know if I want kids in life (I do), while we had talked about having kids a lot before. My mom asked him why he wouldn't have told me to work on those things rather than just saying everything was great and up and leaving?  He called my mom "immature" and drove away.

I called begging for answers. He blocked my phone number. I sent an email begging to work on things. He said he didn't have the energy, and knew the problems weren't fixable. He said he put too much into the relationship and wasn't getting anything back, and didn't want to try. He said he really did mean they were the happiest years of his life, and that his feelings simply changed in the last two weeks, whatever that means. Then he also said he knew he wasn't happy for a year, as in before he proposed. The story changed a lot in his responses. It simply came down to it was my fault. Since the break up, he has gone out partying almost every night (I'm told), and has been handling it very well. He even hired an attorney to make sure we couldn't go after him for wedding expenses, apparently. Again, he was so so close to my family, and just became a different person. I'm not sure if it's an immaturity thing, or character. My grief counselor said true character comes out not in times of good but times of hardship, but maybe she's just telling me that so I feel better. Either way, I'm convinced I won't do better than him.

None of us will ever understand. It has been the hardest thing to go through. I can't get through my days yet without breaking down uncontrollably. And I'm pretty convinced I will end up alone or worse, settling, because I'll always wish it was him waiting for me at the end of the aisle. yet everyone tells me I shouldn'tw ant him back after all this, I don't know what that means either. Either way, I am pretty convinced I will always wish he'd come back, and that I'll be so empty without him. I can't imagine ever finding anyone that made me feel how he did, being that attracted to someone, laughing that much with someone, or worse, trusting someone again.

I'm so sorry I've rambled. I thought I should let you know for all the people that thought we were a sweet couple. We really were. I don't know what happened to him. He bailed, disappeared, and then was rude to my family and friends. He never even said he was sorry. He was the sweetes guy when I was with him, and I wish I coudl explain it.

I love you all, and appreciate any advice or words of wisdom you may have, but my journey to my wedding ends here today.

@futuremrsk18:  Well, even if I did get upset...that argument happened a year ago. I couldn't believe he was saying that was one of the reasons he was dumping me, that he couldn't be with someone who would put so much "pressure" on him to hang out with me. He could have just talked to me, even if his reasons were somewhat ridiculous.

Yeah, it's possible he'll grow out of it. It's something I think about, like oh maybe he'd come back then in 5 years :/

@futuremrsk18:  Uncommitted, immature, selfish

This is true. I need to remind myself of that.

I was doing so well this morning, and here I cried on my break at work:( I hate that I feel so behind in the healing process. I hate that I still am consumed with guilt, and the idea of him with someone else.

@mrssrm:  I agree I may be taking or will take a bit of time to fully heal because I truly loved him with my whole heart. Seeing how quickly he has moved on, tells me he may have never felt that way about me, not even just not at the end.

@futuremrsk18:  god that's what my best friend said. She said if she'd have known that she would have told me to break up with him

Stop obsessing over the fact that "he moved on".  Let whatever girl have him because one day her eyes will be opened to the reality of what a loser he is. 

A man who loves you will do everything in his power (and attempt to work against anything not in his power) to be with you every minute of the day.  That kind of man is out there for you!

@Tickles:  girl you are one wise cookie. I'm reading the book, "It's called a break up because it's broken", and it talks about making sure you remind your friends, especially those go-to phone callers, of what they mean to you during the healing process. I actually just sent her a gift last week, it's NOTHING in comparison to what she, my family, all of you have done, but I agree with you --I should be thanking her as much as possible.She's a rock. She even drove 5 hours just to be with me 2 weeks after it happened, and the weekend before she had finals in grad school. That is friendship right there. So seriously thank you for pointing that out because it has to be tiring as HELL even though I know she'd do anything to make my tears go away.

And not forgetting to thank all of YOU for all of your inspiration. Again, I'm in a field where my job is pretty public, and someday I'm going to hopefully be happy and be able to share this story of the power of such wonderful strangers.

@honeybee1999:  I'm often asked that question, of what would I tell a friend, and it's so difficult for me to see it objectively because I still remember all the good, sweet, hilarious things he did for me. I would probably tell them they can do better, but I also know that's something people say at the same time so that you feel better, and I don't feel like anyone's perfect? Of course he's been a complete asshole in the past 2 months, no doubt about that, and he did some less than great things during the relationship, but so did I. I guess that's what I think about...but maybe that's his manipulation getting to me.

The one piece I am trying so, so hard to let go of, is why we got engaged. I think if we hadn't done that, or I hadn't put pressure on him to propose, and that we had just kept dating until he was ready later on, that he would still be here. If it was just a case of cold feet and he freaked out, that could mean he's really not a bad guy but just wasn't ready to be married. I don't know. This is the one piece I'm trying really hard to let go of. Like oh, some other girl will date him and just they'll wait until they are both ready to be married eventually.

@honeybee1999:  If one of your friends told you all this stuff about her ex-fiance (that you have said about this Ben), what would you advise your friend to do, MissMelly?

I think perhaps what I would say, is that it sounds like there were either over the top highest highs or very low lows. That's what I am seeing. That when things were good, they were more than good. But when I got emotional or upset, dramatic, whatever, he might have gotten manipulative and maybe I didn't see it. I don't deny that I made mistakes in the relationship, absolutely. But, I still would never just drop someone, because every relationship has highs and lows. To me, it's like he didn't really love me the way he said he did, regardless of what cold feet he got or whatever issues he had.

For his birthday this year, I was trying to save money for our honeymoon since I was paying for it myself, and he said he didn't know what he wanted for his birthday, so I suggested we spend the day together and the beach and that I buy us lunch and get us chair massages together or something, explaining it was a very small gift but that I just wanted to spend time with him. On my birthday, I said all I wanted was to spend the whole day with him and didn't need a gift --he ended up buying mea  lot of things. Well, when his birthday came around, he was upset that he got me a lot of stuff and I didn't get him much since I made more money. I felt terrible because I was so uptight about money, but I just wanted to save for our future.  

@futuremrsk18:  Yeah, I just wonder when he checked out:/ And why. He had only proposed 4 months before that. When he dumped me, he said "I did think you were the love of my life until last month. I simply changed my mind"

But the way he acted so cold, it was exactly like he had been gone for a long time. It makes me feel like he was lying to me about how he felt. 

@MissMelly:  You didn't completely answer the question though. You started to take yourself out of the situation, and then started listing everything you think went wrong with you and him. So let's say your best friend, the one who's been helping you through this, is the one who needs help from you. Everything he did to you, her ex did to her. What would you tell her? How do you think she would best move on?

ETA: The only reason I'm asking, and why anyone else would ask is because taking yourself out of it, hard as it is, will help you see things you might not have noticed before.

@shadowblind:  I'd tell her he never really loved her the way he said he did, because normal good people don't up and walk out and then act so cruel. 

@MissMelly:  I know it's still hard to process, because you're still missing the facade, but what you just posted is the simple truth. And you need to keep coming back to that.

You will be just fine. You're stronger and more capable than you know. You didn't pressure him, you weren't stressful, you didn't earn more money to spite him, and even if he had a problem, he swas stringing you along when he knew he didn't want to be a part of this relationship.

One of my favorite shows is Intervention, and one of the interventionists said to an episode subject, "No one should be allowed to live in your head for free." Kick his crap to the mental curb, no matter how long it takes. Hugs and love, you are still doing so great!

@shadowblind:  It's almost like he stayed with me because it was easy....we only saw each other 3 times a month. He got the fun and sex out of it, so it was worth it to him. Makes me sick to my stomach. 

@MissMelly:  It should make you sick, it's deplorable. Because like you said, normal good people don't up and walk out. Don't focus on it, but be sick about it, it's natural. He may have gotten the "fun and sex" near the end, but really you lucked out because you're not legally tied to someone who's going to treat you so crappily.

@MissMelly:  It's almost like he stayed with me because it was easy....we only saw each other 3 times a month. He got the fun and sex out of it, so it was worth it to him. Makes me sick to my stomach. 

What you wrote above hit the nail on the head. 

My ex used me for sex and absolutely did not care about me in any way.  He just went along with the "fake relationship" in order to keep getting sex.  Unfortunately, that's exactly what your ex-fiance did to you, and you should be sick over it. 

You should also be sick about what type of person he really is (lying, manipulative, childish) and that should negate everything that you ever thought was "good" about him. 

When he dumped me, he swore he didn't know he wanted to end the relationship until that morning. He said he did love me when he was still sleeping with me. That he truly did think I was "the love of his life" until the last month we were together. The weirdest part is, I think he thinks* that, but was somehow letting go inside...that, or he is just an incredibly good liar, or has some deeper mental health issues.

I'd like to say he just simply fell out of love (which would still be odd since that happened somehow in 2 weeks or he was lying for a while), and then didn't know how to handle the situation at the end. That would be one thing, even while that would be incredibly horrible to not at least for the sake of the other party involved TALK to them and TRY to work out whatever it is. But, looking past that, the way* he did it and the way he tried to justify it and talked to me, my parents--tells me it was something more of his character than just a mistake. It's hard for my brain to think he could be this bad guy I never saw at ALL, but the way it all played out in the end, I just don't know anyone who would do that to someone, let alone someone he loved at least very much at one point.

I know you are all also curious about my "hang outs"--I have one tonight (a second date, same guy) so I shall keep you posted on that. It's my first time going out with a guy on a second date other than my ex...so I feel very much out of my element but I'm going to try to have a good time!

@MissMelly:  Try reading " It's called a breakup becuase it's broken"

AMAZING BOOK!

@UberClaire:  That's why I'm not calling it dating. Just hanging out in a group of friends with some single guys. I am NOT ready to be doing anything remotely romantic! But I agree, I am not in a frame of mind yet where I'm ready for that.

@HisAngel:  I just got that one:)

@MissMelly:  Perfect!! It seriously helped me soooo much. And it's hilarious :)