Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off – Healing Journey (Part 2)

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’ll reply here to the posts you left on the last thread.

I would have been hurt that he not only forgot that we were hanging out, but that he preferred to hang out with his friend over me.  I’m not saying that I never let my FI go out with his friends or that I never have girls nights.  I wouldn’t say they’re as often as once a week and we live together, but whenever I want to go out with my friends without him, I just tell him “hey I made plans with so-and-so on Sat for dinner, so I won’t be around” and he tells me in advance, too.  I would probably go on an outrageous rampage if he just decided to cancel plans with me and hang out with his friend instead and not tell me til the day before because he “forgot” – he forgot because it wasn’t convenient for him to remember.  And, taking the relationship out of that equation, if I made plans with friend A and forgot and made plans with friend B, I would cancel on friend B b/c my plans were with friend A first and that’s only right.  Therefore, he should have cancelled his plans with his friend when he remembered that he had committed to plans with his girlfriend.  But he didn’t – because he knew you would eventually forgive him and he could do what he wanted – which is see his friend. 

I don’t think you overreacted at all or were dramatic.  He should WANT to see you – that’s what would hurt me, that he would prefer to see his friend instead of you, that your plans were so unimportant that they were forgettable, because it was more exciting to see his friends.  Honestly, it’s a very selfish and also a very immature quality.  One day, he’ll grow out of it by necessity – all his friends will have gotten married and not have time to go party with him and then he’ll feel the need to settle down.  And when he makes a new, single friend, he’ll be wishing to be single again.  And when his friend cheats on his wife, he’ll be wishing to do that, too.  That’s just who he is.  Uncommitted, immature, selfish. 

Sorry you didn’t see it earlier, but at least you saw it before the wedding!

Member
788 posts
Busy bee

Please don’t put so much pressure on yourself. You are not “behind” in the healing process! This is not a race.  It takes a long time to get over a breakup, especially if you didn’t see it coming. As a rule of thumb, I’ve heard that it often takes half the length of the relationship to completely get over an ex, or ~2 years for longer relationships. (Which isn’t to say that the whole time will feel like this. The good days will be better, the bad days will be fewer, and you will have whole weeks where it feels like the cloud has lifted, but it’s a gradual process.)

I’d also like to point out that the fact that this is so painful and such a long process is a testament to what a loving person you are and how committed you were. If you could brush it off and bounce back, what would that say about you? That you didn’t really care that much anyway?

In all 16+ pages, I’ve seen a great deal to admire and not one thing you should feel bad or guilty or embarrassed about. Please stop beating yourself up so much. If this were a physical wound would you be mad at yourself for being “behind” at healing? Is this so very different?

Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

@MissMelly: Don’t put pressure on yourself! It’s a good thing that you are moving on, but it’s okay to hurt too. You won’t be over it in just a few days, and that’s okay. You’ll start to feel better, and then each day will feel better until you get to a “new normal,” so to speak. And we’re all here for you! <3

Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissMelly:  He’s not going to grow out of being selfish and being a blamer.  That’s in his nature, that’s his personality.  And I can’t believe he brought that up as a reason why he’s breaking up with you.  That’s a good reason for YOU to break up with HIM.  I would have punched my ex in the face if he said I was pressuring him into hanging out with me – wtf?  He should WANT to.  I should be fun to be around!  And he should have wanted to hang out with you even when his friends were around.  You’ll find someone who DOES have fun being with you and prefers and picks you over his friends.  You deserve that. 

Member
232 posts
Helper bee

Stop obsessing over the fact that “he moved on”.  Let whatever girl have him because one day her eyes will be opened to the reality of what a loser he is. 

A man who loves you will do everything in his power (and attempt to work against anything not in his power) to be with you every minute of the day.  That kind of man is out there for you!

Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissMelly:  next time you should talk to your best friend about these arguments lol :) hopefully this is helping you to keep on in your healing process!  it takes time, don’t beat yourself up over how long it’s taking.  it takes a really long time for some people (myself included). 

Member
3167 posts
Sugar bee

@MissMelly:  Just wanted to check in on you. *hugs* I really do see you slowly getting better and it’s so great that you are hanging out with NB (new boy) again this week. I hope that you have loads of fun.

It sounds like you have a very wise best friend who is doing the best to help you (along with us Bees and your family too I’m sure). Just wanted to say that it might be an idea to send your BF a card or even just a test message telling her how much you appreciate her advice and her support. Sometimes as the BF who is helping someone through an awful time it can be tiring and frustrating if that person who is hurting (which they are allowed to do!) can’t see themselves as the person that their BF sees them as. Sometimes she probably just wants to grab you and shake some sense into you! To make you see that none of this was your fault, that you should never take him back and that he is just another girl’s problem now.

So it might be nice to just let her know how helpful she is being and to show her that you really appreciate her wisdom. She’s probably going through a hard time seeing you so hurt (and wanting to hunt him down and punch him in the face). 

P.S. Not saying that you aren’t thanking her! I just wanted to remind you to do it because I am someone who forgets to say thank you directly to those who help me. Not because I’m not thankful but because I feel thankful and feel like I’ve told them when I really haven’t. 

Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee

My comment keeps dropping out of this thread for some reason.

@MissMelly:  

Well, even if I did get upset…that argument happened a year ago. I couldn’t believe he was saying that was one of the reasons he was dumping me, that he couldn’t be with someone who would put so much “pressure” on him to hang out with me. He could have just talked to me, even if his reasons were somewhat ridiculous.

Yeah, it’s possible he’ll grow out of it. It’s something I think about, like oh maybe he’d come back then in 5 years :/

You know how absurd this sounds, right? The bolded part. One of my ex’s was like this. He wanted to be in the streets with his friends more than he wanted to be with me, and I was stupid like you were and actually let myself get blamed for wanting to spend time when him. Oh, makes me mad when I remember all the time I sat around contorting myself into a pretzel so that particular ex could do whatever the hell he wanted and be a half-assed boyfriend to me. Yeah, and like you, I thought God hung the moon and sun on him and he’d have a happily ever after with some other woman. Maybe he did eventually. But I’m sure he went through a lot of pain and changes first, because he was an asshole unfit for a good relationship. And so is your Ben.

I agree I may be taking or will take a bit of time to fully heal because I truly loved him with my whole heart. Seeing how quickly he has moved on, tells me he may have never felt that way about me, not even just not at the end.

He hasn’t moved on. If he had moved on, he wouldn’t have been sending you the messes he sent the other week. If he’d moved on, he wouldn’t have been talking to people about you in order to know what you said about him.

If he’d moved on, he wouldn’t be doing hurtful things to you or talking about blocking you. You only try to hurt people that can hurt you. If he had no feelings for you, then you would be no threat to him and he would have no reason to say such hurtful things to you. Saying hurtful things to you and blocking you on the phone is how he is trying to gain his power over his own feelings. Do you understand what I am saying?

And it’s childish and immature. He said he was ashamed of bullying someone? Well, He’s bullying you right now. Don’t you see that? It’s how he operates. He is a bully, and a lot of these things you have described in this so-called relationship you had with him can be see as a bully and a victim. You have let this man bully you, and you should be mad at yourself for that.

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