Update, the Wedding (and relationship) Is Off

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissMelly:  I am SO sorry to hear this.  No one should have to go through this.  I am with you on having broken up with a guy before and physically clung on and begged and cried to work things out.

Perhaps you did pressure him.  You probably thought you were pressuring him to better himself and just moving things along in the relationship in a normal pace.  Perhaps he wasn’t ready for all that.  Either way, the right thing for him to have done was TALK to you about it and COMMUNICATE.  He is a total ASSHOLE for just getting up and leaving without giving you an explanation or closure. 

Since he is not considering your feelings in the worst of times, that is why you shouldn’t want him back. 

I think he’s doing you a HUGE favor and you won’t see it for a long time.  He’s either being an asshole because that’s who he really is and you never got to see it or because he thinks it will be easier this way for everyone involved.  But, the favor he’s doing for you right now is not talking to you.  It will make it so much easier to move on if he’s not in your life.  I told my ex he couldn’t talk to me anymore after we broke up, he begged to stay friends at first and I said no and he listened and while it took me what felt like eons to get over him, it would have only been worse if he was still in my life.  Now, looking back, I’m so glad he listened – he did me a favor.  At first I was upset that he could cut me out so easily (I know, I said not to call me, but obviously I didn’t mean it lol), but today – I’m with someone else who is SO MUCH BETTER and to think I could have ruined it if he had stayed in my life!  Cut him out in return and start the healing process. 

I promise you, you will move on and you will find someone else and you will not be settling.  As long as you have faith in yourself and who you are, that man will come.  And no, it should never be this guy.  This guy couldn’t even give you the decency of communicating with you and giving you a decent breakup. 

Take some time to heal.  Take some time to work on yourself and be yourself and finding yourself outside of the relationship again.  Be open to love and it will come find you.

I wish you the best.  *BIG HUG*

Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh punkin, that’s just the most awful thing I’ve ever heard!  How terrible for you!  Don’t you listen to that boy, sooner or later he’ll figure out he’s crazy about you, but by the time he does that some lovely, hunk of a hunk of man will have swept you off of your feet, married you up and gotten you a house just beggin for some kids and a dog named Bingo!  

For now you do what you have to in order to get through this, cry, talk to your Mom, see your friends, cry some more and then have a power cry in the parking lot of David’s Bridal..whatever you need to do is ok!

The point is, whatever his problem is, it’s HIS problem and if he was right about one thing, it’s that he is in fact an asshole, I know you still love him honey, and that’s ok, let it hurt for now and know one day you’ll wake up and he won’t be the first thing on your mind, and then you won’t be able to remember his face, the sound of his voice, and then he’ll just be gone…as significant in your memories as the boy that took you to Homecoming, there, but like talking furniture….you’ll be just fine!

Member
883 posts
Busy bee

I am SO sorry you had to go through all of this.  I know many people will tell you things will get better with time.  Even though you can’t imagine that happening, trust me, it will.  During a breakup in a previous relationship, I truly didn’t think I’d recover.  People kept telling me that it would take half the time we were together to fully get over him (so, 2 years, we were together for 4).  They were pretty much right.

You’ll find someone else, and he’ll treat you like gold.  It probably hurts even more considering he’s cut you out of his life completely, but when you look back eventually you’ll see that’s what helped you move on.  One day, you’ll be sitting there and all of a sudden you’ll realize “Wow, if he asked me to take him back right now, there’s no way I would,” because you’ll be in a better place.  It’ll be a great feeling. Hugs! :)

Member
1259 posts
Bumble bee

(((HUGS))))

This is so easy for me to say, but in time, you will believe me and everyone that posts that he did you a favor by doing this now, rather than waiting until after you were married.

You will probably never know the real reason.  He may not even know the reason himself, all he knows is that it doesn’t feel right and I totally agree with your counselor, that true character comes out in times of hardship.  That’s when we see someone’s true colors.

Time really does heal all wounds.  The first days absolutely suck but you will get through them.  And you will be a stronger person.

You will find someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated.  You will not settle for anything less.  Be good to yourself.  Know that you are deserving of someone that will treat you well and not cop out, blame you and change his story and hire attorneys to get back wedding expenses.

Give yourself time to grieve.  Take each day one at a a time.  You will get through this.

 

Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MissMelly:  That’s because he’s an asshole and he knows it and doesn’t want to acknowledge it.  I told my ex that he does NOT get the benefit of being my friend without putting in all the effort for a relationship.  I did NOT want a new friend, I have plenty of those.  I wanted a boyfriend.  I shouldn’t have to settle for what I want!  This isn’t a compromise!  It’s all of me or nothing.  You should do the same.  Cut him out and if he tries to contact you again tell him that he doesn’t get the benefit of your friendship anymore! 

Member
61 posts
Worker bee

I am so sorry.

I can relate. I can tell you; it takes time and will get easier.

I was engaged at 23.  He was the love (I thought at the time) of my life.  I had followed him around the country while he persued his passion in his career.  He gave me a very romantic propsal (I still remember it).  He proposed on August 25, we planned a wedding for the the following October 17.  I planned an entire wedding, bought a dress etc.

One year exactly from the date he proposed, he woke up that day, and said “hey, we need to talk…I don’t love you anymore..we should end this” 

That is all the explanation I ever got.  It SUCKED!!!  Ironically, 5 years ago he called wanting forgiveness and to offer an explanation.  I was beyond either.

I can see now, that I am very greatful that things ended.  But, boy did the healing suck!

When I think of the person I am engaged to now, I am so much better off.  I still have “fears”; simply because of the way things were handled before; but I know they are unfounded.  My guy is great at making sure I know he loves me and what he wants.

It does get easier.  You are better off.  And you deserve so much better!  You deserve the guy that will put you on the pedlestool and love you!  That wants a partner not a trinket.  You deserve to be loved for you.  Don’t let yourself think otherwise. 

Member
5755 posts
Bee Keeper

@MissMelly:  honey, he sucks and that’s that.  And if your wondering what happened on that camping trip I’ll tell you.  All of his weiner friends tortured him relentlessly for being interested in marriage at 23….they drank a lot of beer, started talking, drank some more beer, started REALLY talking and he admitted all of the things that were bothering him to his friends, instead of you….he left that trip determined to break it off, chickened out, made you wait through those tortuous days of radio silence, rallied with his buddies and THEN dumped you…you’d have had better odds of bailing out the tide girl, he’s a shitheel and I hope his friends are as good of companions as you are, going to be a loooong winter for that boy.

Member
61 posts
Worker bee

@missmelly  yes he wanted back in my life.  No, I didn’t let him.  We were together for 5 years.  I was very close to his family.  That sucked too, I had a great relationship with his mom.

I started dating again about 6 months after the fact.  I have an unrealistic story though (about 2 years later my brother got extremely sick and I put my life “on hold” to take care of him through a liver transplant process)

I was guarded for a very long time.  But, when I met the right person, I let him in withouth thinking about it.  Instead of keeping all my other relationships at a safe distance.

Member
524 posts
Busy bee

@MissMelly:  I am so sorry that you’re hurting.  I can’t believe that he would think that you could still be friends after what he did.  I think that was his way of rationalizing what he did to you- that if you were friends afterward then he wasn’t actually an asshole and didn’t f*ck you over at all.  Stay strong and don’t contact him!  Also- he may start texting you a few months down the road, once he realizes he’s made a mistake- please don’t respond to those, either.  He’s shown you his true character, and you deserve much better.

Please also don’t think of it as ‘what you could have done to make him stay.”  You can’t make anyone stay.  It wasn’t your fault or what you did or didn’t do, this is completely on him.

Member
41 posts
Newbee

Aw, sweetie.  You don’t want to hear this right now, but time WILL heal this.  You think you won’t find anyone better, but you will.

Don’t forget who you are in all of this.  Get really angry that he wasted your time by being a …well, what he is being.  Then go take a kickboxing class or something.  Wink

I have been there, done that.  And I will tell you, they ALWAYS come back. Maybe not right away, but sure as the sun rises in the east, he will come sniffing around again.  Don’t you dare let him, though, because the only thing he needs to hear is YOU not talking to HIM.  The only thing he needs to see is your behind as you walk away and never look back.

You deserve someone who is certain of you, not this crybaby “I am letting my friends dictate my life” bs. 

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