- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
well you tried to reach out, i wouldn't reply, you did all you could. she is hopefully thinking over what you said in the email, and may in the next day or two send another email, with a longer response. it is good she replied and apologised though!
Well, you weren't expecting a good response, right? Obviously she wasn't going have that crystallizing I-need-help moment, as much as you'd want her to.
From the previous thread, it looks like you wanted to end the friendship anyway. If that's the case, I'd say no response is necessary and you two part company as amicably as possible. But if you do want to maintain the friendship, maybe it's worth a follow-up.
@Jacqui90: I doubt the apology is sincere to be honest...I probably should have been more clear about what she did exactly. Although in the email I made it clear there were "serious lines crossed."
You're right there may be a follow up email though!
@abbie017: No i definitely was not expecting her to respond that she's seen the light! :) No way...But...I don't know I guess I expected an angry, defensive response. This one is almost like...she doesn't care. But she's probably detaching.
@soccer25: yeah the apology may not be sincere, in which case it is even better not to respond. if she wants to get help, then she will, until then you will have friends surrounding you who are much better behaved and respectful, and do not cause so much drama. i hope it all works out :)
@soccer25: Agreed, I would have expected an angry response as well. In some ways, it makes it a lot harder to even come up with a response because you can't even tell if she's being ambivalent or if she really is angry. Do you have any plans to see her in the near future? I know you said she just moved, but if she's coming back to your area, maybe you can sit down over coffee and actually discuss what she did to hurt you and her inappropriate actions at the wedding.
@Jacqui90: Thanks! I appreciate yours and everyones responses...it has really helped me. This has been such a tough situation...
I guess the ball is in her court at this point. If she decided to withdraw and not speak to me, so be it...If she wants to discuss things with me when she's sober, I'll be there.
It's very strange to let go emotionally from a friendship that felt like family for so many years. Very very strange.
@abbie017: I actually did respond (maybe I shouldn't have I know!) and said, "Im here if you want to discuss it." Thats it.
We will both be in VA in May. I think...I'm not going to initiate seeing her. If she does, I'd be willing to meet up. I wonder if she'll ever want me to elaborate? Or...maybe she remembers.
@soccer25: You've said you don't want to be friends with her any more, but that's not the vibe I've gotten from your posts. You seem to keep wanting to reach out...are you sure you're done with her? If you are, don't reply. But again, you seem to want to...
ETA: Sorry, missed your reply!
I think if you want to be done with her, you just need to be done. This response sounds defeated, embarrassed, and not an invitation to discuss anything further. You made your choice to address it, hopefully now she can live in that reality for awhile if need be and then take steps to get better. You've said what you wanted to say, now be done. Hopefully maybe someday you two can reconnect when she is in a healthy, clear headed place.
@KatyElle: You're right. I was just surprised. I was preparing myself for a very angry response.
Im glad I made an effort to help. It was the right thing to do after so many years of friendship.
I will be around if she chooses to be sober and wants to reach out.
Now, as strange as it feels...time to let go.
@soccer25: I'm just coming in on this and catching up on your past threads... I had a similar situation with an alcoholic friend. He didn't act out the way your friend did at the wedding, but just the fact that he was dependent on alcohol and refused admit it, acknowledge it, or own it. He and I were both part of a group of friends that had known each other since 3rd grade. After spending years of (what I thought was) being a good, supportive friend, I finally had to be truly a good friend and be honest. I couldn't wake up each day and look myself in the mirror knowing that by standing by him and not being honest with him meant that I was allowing and accepting his behavior. And good God, he got a DUI and still didn't stop... what if he went out and killed someone with his driving?!
You did the right thing. The reply you got sucks, but it's typical... nobody wants to see the worst side of themselves, have someone call them out on it, and have to own it. Your friend isn't ready to admit that she has a dependency that owns her, and runs her life. Acknowledging it makes it true so she won't do that. It's sad, and she may have to hit rock bottom before she sees it and make changes. Or, like my former friend, never make those changes. I know her reply doesn't give you closure and that's difficult for you. At least you can go forward with life knowing that you did the right thing for both of you.
@MadameTussaud: Thank you for your response. You understand how difficult this is to go through with a friend you've had for so long!
You're right I would have liked to get just a little closure from her response, but the chances of that happening were so slim...
I do feel I did the right thing. I hope hope hope she decides to get help someday.
I'm sorry about your friend as well...
When I was in my 20's, I got an e-mail from the girl who was my best friend at the time calling me out for my 'drinking problem'. I was 24, I went out Thurs, Fri, and Sat because I didn't have to work the next day. Did I get drunk? Yes. Did I see a problem with that? No. It's what the people I surrounded myself with did. She did and wanted to 'save' me. I basically sent her the same e-mail back as what you got when I got her e-mail. I haven't talked to her since. For two reasons, if you send something that's important to you through e-mail, it's not that important to you. It's just passive-aggressive. I took it as her sharing her peace, in what she felt was the nicest, non-confrontational way possible, and it was the end of our friendship and she was ending that friendship. And, the second reason, I didn't care if it was the end of the friendship. After getting that e-mail, I really had no interest in ever seeing her again. Her 'concern' over what I felt wasn't a concern, just made me think she had a pole shoved up her butt and I wasn't interested in maintaining a friendship with a person with that trait.
Just to give you another perspective.
@ananeele: Thanks but the two situations are not comparable.
First of all- she doesn't casually drink on the weekends. She is absolutely an alcoholic with a serious problem that I've witnessed for years. I'm not sure if you read the previous posts, but her behavior was absolutely out of control at the wedding and she did some horrible things. She also drinks and drives. I could go on and on...
I purposefully wrote to her through email because I wanted to write everything out for her to read and think about- if we had a discussion on the phone (we are in two different countries now)- then it would have gotten heated and maybe have gone nowhere...i really wanted to write out my thoughts in a conscientious way.
@ananeele: In this case though, you (I assume) didn't create a scene at that friend's wedding by loudly crying, criticizing the food, being rude to her guests, vomiting all over her venue and grabbing at her new husband.
@ananeele: Alcoholism doesn't always mean drinking everyday, all day. Some people who go out on the weekends and require alcohol to be in certain situations are also alcoholics. It doesn't have just one meaning that fits everyone - it's a dependency and shows differently in different people. I actually think it's nice that you had friends that cared, and I'm sorry to hear that you felt it was their way of being negative toward you.
To the OP, I hope you one day do get the closure you need, and I'm sending hugs your way. It is very tough to be the one on the outside seeing someone you care about unravel their life.
I've read all the previous threads. Doesn't matter what I did or she did. I was giving the perspective of how she probably interpreted the e-mail. Sending an e-mail, one, is passive-agressive and, if I had a serious problem, I wouldn't want an e-mail telling me that. It's kind of like being laid off or reprimanded on the job or for any other inappropriate behavior. Would you rather they do it through e-mail or contact you directly? I believe e-mail is a cowardly way to approach situations you don't have enough guts to discuss over the phone because you don't want to actually hear or feel how the other person responds or deal with the negative response you might receive from that person. I explained my situation to share that she probably took the e-mail to assume the friendship is over and is moving on. I interpreted it as a 'Dear John' e-mail when I got that type of e-mail, and she probably did too. It's not going to make her think twice about her behavior, especially if she doesn't remember doing it. She can't change the past. She certainly doesn't want to get into an e-mail discussion over it or even discuss it again period. I've never wanted to discuss stupid things I've done when I'm drunk, they're embarrassing, so why would anyone else? So she's done. Friendship over.
Honestly, you got your sorry from her. She might mean it, she might not. But I don't think she wants to discuss it further with you and I wouldn't reply back. You might actually get a hostile response if you do.
@soccer25: Why would you expect anything more of a reply? You said clearly in your last post you DO NOT want to be friends and you did your best to word it that way so that she would read between the lines.....Did you want her to respond and beg for your forgiveness? That's what I am picking up. Why would you think you need to respond if your last email stated you don't want to be friends, and that you don't want to talk to her when she is drinking. She isn't going to stop over night.
I think it was good of her to respond in such a polite way considering how ashamed she would be of herself. Leave it alone girl - she doesnt want to start a fight- She is keeping it short and polite - what more is there to say?
I think her response was thoughtfully worded on her part. She may not be ready to agree with you about her problem with alcohol but she also did not slam the door on any possibilty of a friendship in the future.
@KatyElle: This.
I feel as though she didn't know what more to say than she was sorry, and for now you just have to accept it. I wouldn't respond, I'd give it some time and maybe eventually you both will be ready to talk about it. I must say when i saw the title my heart dropped, I feel like we're friends and I got an update on a story you shared with me last week or something!
I agree to just let it go. She sounds embarrassed and detached-- because she's got a lot of soul-searching to do on her own.
I would suggest that you quit thinking about it and quit responding "I'm here if you need to talk" if you don't want her in your life-- it sends a mixed message.
I agree with @KatyElle: in everything she said. I would wait and see how things go. She is going to be dropping your coat off to your parents, I doubt your mom will let her get by without the "mom look", so I would wait and see how she acts when she does that. ((HUGS)), I really think that you did the right thing and that isn't always the easiest thing to do.
@KatyElle: Exactly, thank you.
@ananeele: We'll just have to agree to disagree about whether email is passive aggressive or not. I've tried talking with her on the phone before during other issues and she's usually drunk and barely lets me get a word in, and barely listens to what I say.
I'm not complaining about her reply, I'm just surprised. She's usually more volatile in general when confronted.
I think her reply was polite and I hope she takes what I said to heart at some point in her life.
@tksjewelry: Thanks. It was difficult to tell her those things.
Yes, I am going to drop it and let go.
I was just trying to express that it's difficult and complicated after so many years of friendship.
Honestly, after all the awful things she did I wrote to her with compassion and love rather than anger. And now I'm just kind of taking in the reality that we probably are growing apart here..
I think its understandable for me to have mixed feelings about everything, due to our long history together.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MissBoPeep | 94 |
| ndreighton | 77 |
| hisgoosiegirl | 56 |
| beargoose | 55 |
| Mrs.KMM | 46 |
| akp0702 | 42 |
| BetterSherm | 42 |
| MrsBlueSeptember | 41 |
| MrsPom | 37 |
| Beckster329 | 37 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| MerryWidow | 6 |
 bricon |
6 |
| Jade33 | 6 |
| Sunfire | 6 |
| WillyNilly | 6 |
| Shera2550 | 6 |
| cardnasac | 5 |
| mags2233 | 4 |
| lorie | 4 |
| ananombee | 4 |
For the backstory here's the link: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/pls-help-revise-my-email-to-alcoholic-friend
Well...I just got a kind of...non-reply back.
She said:
I'm sorry.
I'll give your coat to your parents when I come back to Virginia for the wedding.
I hope all is well with you.
I have no idea how to reply to that.
At least I made the effort to help...maybe someday in the future she'll reach out.
Do I even reply at all? Or no?